Beautiful Mess

I’m blue today.  No particular reason.  Just so tired. 

 I guess I’m just stressed out about life in general.  When all my friends were getting married 5, 6, 7 years ago, my mom would tell me, oh, they are too young.  Don’t you worry about it.  I was going to school (forever!), and it seemed like that was the right thing to do, and that I wasn’t giving anything up, I was just doing in a different (read: right) order. 

So here I am.  29.  I’m not married.  I don’t have any children.  I don’t own a house.  I haven’t even bought a new car.  All I got for my trouble was some very serious student loans, and expectations that I’m not sure I can live up to. 

The problem with growing up as an over-achiever and people-pleaser is that it is really hard to stop.  And I don’t think anyone else really cares if I’m perfect or not, but once you’ve done the right and best thing (according to whom?) for so long, your fear of letting people down or failing even a little bit can be overwhelming. 

That makes just following your heart very very hard.  The endless worrying.  Will my friends and family approve of this man?  Will his friend like me?  What if I don’t like him?  What if he doesn’t like me?  I am good enough? 

I don’t know, maybe if I met a man who really moved me, some of the other worrying would just fall away.

But in the meantime, I just need something to go my way.  Career, love, family – I want to feel like I’m making progress in some area.

So it is no secret that I’m not that into BigBoy.  We went to that wedding last weekend, a decent time was had, but I still wasn’t really into him.  I thought he was still really into me.  So I saw him last Saturday, and again on Sunday (morning after). 

Then he called me on Monday evening, just like a good boy.  I was starting to get really nervous about how I was going to show this guy the door (a real weakness of mine).  I was thinking maybe I could phase myself out so he wouldn’t really notice.

I think he is phasing me out. 

He was very scarce all weekend, never asked me to do anything.  I should be glad right?  Relieved, even.  But no, I’m sitting here wondering why he hasn’t called.  Was it something I said, something I did?  Why doesn’t he like me?

What is my problem?  I DON’T EVEN LIKE THE GUY!!  But the minute I start to think he doesn’t like me, I get all indignant. 

I have issues.

Granted, once I get a few days distance from my bruised ego, I will be glad that he is ditching me.  Because really, I didn’t have the guts to do it, and it needed to be done.

But this brings up another point (and believe me, I know how hypocritical this is) – if you are not into me or don’t want to date anymore, you can JUST TELL ME!  I’m a big girl, I can take it.  It is better than that constant wondering and dissecting conversations. 

On the other hand, I frequently think guys are blowing me off, when really they have just been busy for a few days, or whatnot.  I guess I’m hypersensitive about it.  I think most women are over-analytical, and I am certainly no exception.

BUT WHY AM I EVEN WORRIED ABOUT IT??

Sigh….

So I was talking to a friend of mine today.  She has been my Best Friend for about 15 years.  We are not as close as we once were, but still I consider her my Best Friend.  The one who has borne witness to some of my best and worst moments.

 Anyway,  she was asking me how the dating was going.  She, like my other girlfriends, is very happy that I’ve started dating, and is wanting only wonderful things for me, all the same things I want for myself.  The thing about my BF, though, is that she saved herself for marriage.  Great, right?  She got married when we were about 23, and now has a beautiful baby boy.  A wonderful life. 

Well, obviously she knows I’m not saving myself for marriage.  I never was.  The ship has long since sailed.  The thing is, I have been celibate for a very very long time, not by choice, but just because I haven’t dated at all for such a long time.  So sex isn’t an issue that we have discussed in a very very long time, or at least not in the context of me having any.  

So I haven’t been as chaste lately.  And obviously I’m glad.  And recent activity notwithstanding, the number of people that I have been with is extremely underwhelming for a girl of my age.  I never intended or wanted to be celibate for the better part of my twenties. 

When I was talking to BF today, she expressed disappointment at what she views as my recent promiscuity.  And no, of course she didn’t use those words, but the message was conveyed nonetheless.  And it really kind of stung. 

BF knows how much I have struggled over the past ten years.  She knows, or at least she should know, how profoundly lonely I’ve been.  She knows that I’ve spent more time by myself than anyone else she knows.  She knows that about 6-7 years ago, I stopped getting as many invites to hang out with friends because I didn’ t have anyone for their husbands to play with.     She knows how much that hurt me.  She knows that I’ve yearned for someone who wanted to be with me first, be with me most.  She knows that I have put my friends first for all these years, attended all of their weddings, showers, baby showers, kid’s birthday parties, more so than anyone else, even when I didn’t live in the same area.  She knows that I have all these wonderful people at the top of my priority list, and yet I’m not at the top of any of theirs.  And I definitely shouldn’t be – they have husbands, children.  Still, though, it’s hard.  She knows that when I broke my foot last year, I had to go to the drs. office alone, and I felt ashamed when the dr. and nurses kept asking me who came with me, and who was going to drive me home.   She knows how I then cried and cried and cried after they gave me the shot for my foot, first because it hurt like a bitch, and then just couldn’t stop, because I felt sorry for myself because I knew I had to call a cab to take me home.  She knows that I’ve paid for massages just so I could get basic human touches.  She knows how much I have been starving for affection.  She knows how all these lonely years have made me feel invisible, and ugly, and just apathetic in general. 

She has never lived alone.  Not for one day.  I’m not saying that being married is the end-all, be-all, or that it guarantees happiness every minute of the day.  It definitely doesn’t.  And the truth is, I am fairly independent.  I can handle a fair amount of alone time.  But being alone and being lonely are not necessarily the same thing.  I have been both.  Continually, for years.  Of course, I have a life, I have a successful career, friends, family – I don’t mean to suggest that I’ve spent the last 10 years wallowing in misery.  Because I haven’t.  But I suspect any of you that read my blog understand what I’m talking about. 

I guess what I’m getting at is that she has no first-hand knowledge of what it has felt like to be me.  She knows the bits and pieces that I have let on over the years.  The judgment hurts.  Not because it makes me feel guilty, but because I would think she of all people would appreciate the steps I have taken to move forward, and the affirmative moves I have made to find what I want.  She has her values, and I can appreciate those values, but they are not necessarily my values.  She knows that.  And it is not like my values are that far off – I am certainly not ever going to be the type of girl who sleeps around incessantly or has one-night stands.  I guess I just wish that she could look at things from my viewpoint instead of hers.  Take into account who I am, and if given the values that I hold, if something is good or appropriate for me. 

So really, if you haven’t lived someone else’s life, you don’t know.  I have definitely done things in the last 6 months that I didn’t think I would do.  You don’t know until you have faced a situation how you will react, even if you think you do.  I hope I can keep that in mind when it comes to other people, because being judged doesn’t feel good.  But really, I have been the one person in my group of friends for the last 10 years who has been seeing and discussing what everyone else has been doing, and who hasn’t had to worry about people talking about what I’ve been doing, because I haven’t been doing anything.  My life has been very even, very dull – school, work, that’s it.  So ultimately I would rather be in the place that I am right now, actually doing a little LIVING, even if it means that now I am giving others something to talk about.  It is about damn time.

I’ve been doing this blogging thing for a few weeks now, and am always surprised when I see that my blog has been read.  And all the comments I’ve received have been eoncouraging.  And surprising too, that others see themselves in my writings.  Because I was starting to think that my combination of neurosis was unique, and not in a good way.  But there are others of you out there.  I am somewhat sorry for you!  On the other hand, I think that in all truth, we are women who have it pretty well together, but have just been unlucky in love (thus far only, of course).

Anyway, I got a wonderful comment from somebody who identified herself as R. Gabrielle.  R. Gabrielle – thank you for taking the time to read my blog and write such a heartfelt comment.  It makes me feel good to know that someone has been (or currently is – you know who you are, ecrivain) where I am, and has gotten through it in some way.  And of course, it is also very flattering when someone likes the way I present myself in writing.  I like to write, but do not do so for a living, at least not in any creative way. 

Anyway, R. Gabrielle, I have to say, living in Paris at 27 working for a major fashion house sounds pretty incredible to me.  Glamorous, even.  I would not say my life is that way at all.  But maybe the point is that loneliness can find you anywhere, even in the most beautiful of places.  Maybe even more so, because your expectations are higher.  And you said, perhaps in a better way than I was able to express, that I should do as you did, and become my own best boyfriend ever (not a really tough task, I have to say).  Learn to do things by myself (traditional “man” stuff), and try to meet new people. 

That’s really what I was trying to say in A Real Fine Place to Start, that I need to keep moving in life, develop myself as a person more, treat myself well.  Doing so, presumably would have its own rewards.  But also, I think that when men and women look for a significant other, the most attractive people are those whose life stands on its own.  I don’t want to be someone who is holding back in life, just waiting for the right one to come along to start my real life.  Because that would make me a sad (and bored) little girl until it happens.  Time is going to pass regardless of whether I’m using it wisely. 

R. Gabrielle – I was disappointed that you don’t have a blog.  I wanted to see more of what you have to say.  And I really loved the Erica Jong quote at the end.  So thanks!      

I haven’t had much to write about lately.  There hasn’t been much going on.

 I started corresponding with a new potential match.  Yet another one I’m only mildly interested in.  I’m trying to keep an open mind with this online dating thing, but more and more I feel like my chances for success with it are minimal.  On the other hand, it has made me feel more comfortable with the dating thing, and more confident, so in that respect, I guess it is worth the time and/or effort (both of which are minimal anyway). 

Anyway, so this guy asked me what I like to do for fun.  I know, pretty much a standard question.  But one that always makes me a little uncomfortable.  The truth is, I don’t really know.  Is that ridiculous?  I mean, I like to do all the standard things to have fun – shop, movies, hanging out with friends, etc.  I like to cook.  I like to read.  I like a certain baseball team.  But I’m not sure I have a passion in life.  And I definitely wouldn’t describe myself as someone who truly enjoys life and really lives.

I have been held back by being shy.  Maybe lacking confidence.  I moved to this city, oh, about 7 years ago, for school.  I didn’t really know anyone.  I have a lot of amazing girlfriends, but they don’t live here.  I talked to some people in my classes, but didn’t make any friends that I would hang out with.  I have made a couple of lasting friends through work over the last couple of years, but I work in a really small place, so it is not a great place to make friends.  So there are a lot of things that I want to do, but don’t end up doing them because I would have to do it alone.  

I am very independent, and thankfully so, since I spend so much time alone.  Alone time is not a problem for me, and there are a lot of things I will do alone.  I’ll eat alone in restaurants, go to movies alone (neither of these on a Friday or Saturday night), sometimes go to festivals or fairs alone, shopping alone, etc.   But there are a lot of things I would like to do that I don’t end up doing because I can’t find anyone to do them with.  I want to feel more comfortable doing more things alone, things that might lead to me meeting other people, because I don’t want to always be alone.

I’m just not sure how to get started, I guess. 

There is a chance that I will never find “the one”.  And even though it goes against my pessimistic nature, I really believe that I will.  But in the meantime, I really do want to develop more interests.  Get outside of myself.

In doing so, I think I will worry less about the love thing.  And I will have more of an idea of what I want, out of life, out of a man, out of myself.  Right now I feel like I just kind of float through life, going to work, coming home, just basically passing time.  I want to spend more time doing, less time thinking. 

I just recently turned 29, so I think that will be my goal for the year.  I need to make some changes before I turn 30. 

But still, I have no idea how to do something different. 

So tomorrow I am meeting CityBoy for lunch.  It’s really no big deal.  The last time I was at his house, I forgot my watch there (I didn’t know I wouldn’t be returning), and I told him that during the last conversation we had (ie the break-up).  He said, well, I can send it or you can let me know next time you are in the city for work and we can meet for lunch.  I didn’t know when the next time I would be in the city for work around lunchtime, so I said, you should maybe send it.  The next day I sent him an email with my address, but also told him that I would be in the city in a couple of weeks, so we could meet up then if he hadn’t sent it yet.

Anyway, of course he didn’t send it.  Men are not good at mail (and truth be told, neither am I).  So I emailed him a couple of days ago to let him know I would be downtown on Thursday, we could meet up for lunch f he was interested.  He emailed back and said, hey, I’ve been meaning to call you.  Call me about what?    So he can tell me how wrong I am about everything again, maybe discuss some more of my flaws?  Anyway, we set up a place and time to meet for lunch.

Here’s the dumb thing:  I can’t stop myself from hoping it will lead to more than lunch.  I really hate to admit that.  I KNOW that it isn’t going to lead to anything other than him giving my watch back, and therefore not have to worry about sending it, but there is a tiny tiny part of my brain that keeps thinking maybe he’ll want to see me again.  So pathetic. 

So basically I’m setting myself up for disappointment. 

And WHY anyway?  Now I’m hoping to get back together with some guy that I only slightly liked and who couldn’t be bothered to hang out with me on a real day, like Saturday???  Total silliness. 

Got an email from a new match today.  I read his profile, which was just fine, until I got to the part where he said he was “separated”.  HELLO!!  What would make him think I would date a MARRIED man??  Separated or not.  Did he even read my profile?  Because I’m pretty sure I checked the box next to “single” only as regarding my prospective matches. 

Even if I didn’t care that this guy is technically still married (with children, I might add), I am of the opinion that people need to take time after ending serious relationships (which a marriage should most defnitely qualify as, and if not, well, that’s an entirely different issues, but equally as bad).  If you are not taking time and taking inventory, then what really are you learning?  To me, that suggests that you are one of those people who can’t be alone, and I would just be a warm body to cushion the fall.  Come on, people, take some time, be by yourself, and think about what you really want. 

As much as I complain, being single is not THAT bad.  And I really mean that.  I know this blog makes it sound like I just wallow in the misery of my singleness, but that’s not true.  It just happens to be the subject matter of my blog.  I know I could go on being single until the end of time, and be reasonably happy.   I don’t want to, but I could if I had to.  I’m really hoping it doesn’t come to that…..

 I read somewhere once that a person needs 10 human touches a day in order to feel self -worth.  That always stuck with me.  I go for weeks at a time with NO human touches.  Not great.

So I’ve been doing the online dating thing for about 6 months now.  I resisted and resisted and resisted, but eventually gave in because my friend wrote a profile for me and posted it, and although I could have taken it down if I wanted to, I thought, what the heck, I have nothing to lose.  And so it began. 

I am now 29 years old.  I am not exaggerating when I say that prior to starting the online dating thing, I had not had a single date since I was about 20.  So I was literally starving for attention and affection.  Going that long with NO male attention made me feel invisible and asexual.  Now, I consider myself a fairly attractive girl.  Not beautiful probably, but cute anyway.  So it is not like I’m so homely that that could be the reason why I haven’t been asked out.  I spent years begging my friends to tell me what it was about me, how it could be that I could be so ridiculously dateless.  My friends tried to pretend it was no big deal, but come on.  I’m no fool.  I know that NO dating for that long of period of time is not normal, it is weird.  Nonetheless, my friends could not, or at least would not pinpoint for me just exactly what the problem was.  They would just say, oh, you are so beautiful and so smart and such a wonderful person that any guy would be so lucky to have you.  Well, that is all well and good, but no guys seemed to want me, so that didn’t seem to make much sense. 

I consider myself a tough girl, so it has always been hard to admit that any of this stuff bothers me.  And as much as I hate to own up to it, the lack of attention from men really bruised my ego and self-esteem.  When the lack of dating is so noticeable and so anomolous, it is impossible not to take personally.  And it affected me, in so many ways. 

Literally ALL of my girlfriends were married by the time we were 24, and I was a bridesmaid about 8 times in 3 years.  So my whole life was consumed by weddings – shopping for dresses, helping with other preparations, showers – basically nonstop for several years.  During which time I was so overwhelmingly lonely, and I was trying so hard not to be bitter.  I was probably depressed, in all truth.  Every time I hung out with my friends (and this happens still), the girls would all group up, and the guys would do the same.  But at some point in the evening, the couples would all couple up, and sit together or whatever.  Or every New Years Eve at midnight (every single girl dreads this), all of the couples would kiss, and I would stand there, looking around, trying to be inconspicous, so my friends wouldn’t feel sorry for me.   

As embarrassing as it was to talk about, sometimes I would talk to my friends about it.  I tried to make them understand how the lack of affection, or at least the possibility of it, was really hurting me.  I told a couple of them one time that it is similar (I think anyway) to a woman who wants nothing more than to have a baby, but no matter how hard she tries, she can’t get pregnant.  That’s how I felt.  Like it was something I wanted so bad, more than anything, but just couldn’t have.  And they just kind of laughed at me, and said, are you trying to tell me that you want to have a baby?  So I just shut up.

Also, whenever I talked about it, people would always say, oh, you are young, you have plenty of time to find the one.  They didn’t understand that the reason it bothered me was not because I couldn’t find “the one”, but because I couldn’t find anyone.  I wasn’t having the normal dating experience, working my way through all the wrong ones, on the path to finding the right one. 

It got to be so bad that it was just such a focus for me.  While all my friends were getting married and buying houses, I was still to school, getting a law degree.  I became apathetic about all things having to do with school and career.  That stuff has always been easy for me, and I was tired of focusing on that, what I really wanted was love, marriage, children, the whole nine yards. 

Anyway, what I had intended to be this post about was the online dating thing.  I guess what I am getting at is that the online dating thing is fine.  But even though I get a lot of emails/winks, there are very few that I have actually been interested in enough to even bother emailing back.  But compared to all the years before, it feels like an embarrassment of riches.

And even though the online dating thing is ok, it has always pissed me off that I had to resort to such measures.  My friends kept telling me to do it, put myself out there, everyone is doing it.  Not a single one of them had to do it.  I didn’t know anyone else doing it.  Why could all my friends find their guys the normal way, and seemingly effortlessly?  Why is it so hard for me?  What is wrong with me?  Why should I have to do it?

Ultimately though, I guess it didn’t really matter why.  And really, spending time and effort wondering why and being mad about it was nothing more than a way to distract myself from just doing it.  The point is that doing what I had always done was only going to get me what I had always gotten.  And that was a whole lotta nothin’.  

So I guess that is why a little attention from someone for whom I have lukewarm feelings is, at least right now, infinitely better than none. 

I still feel like I’m rambling in some of these posts.  It is hard for me to stay on task.   

So I was dating CityBoy (sort of), and everything was nice and easy.  Seemingly uncomplicated.  But in my head, nothing is ever that easy.   I think too much.  Over-analyze, like most women I suppose.

Anyway, I saw CityBoy about once a week, usually on Tuesdays.  No real reason it was always Tuesdays, that is just how it happened.  And had I been Mitch and he had been Morrie, I probably would have been ok with that.  But I am not “tuesday people”, at least not when it comes to dating. 

So I bitched about it to my friends behind his back.  He had no idea it bothered me.  I didn’t want to bring it up because we didn’t have the kind of relationship where one brings up such topics.  And I am always afraid of being too much of a typical girl.

Anyway, once it happened for long enough so that I was sure it wasn’t just coincidence or the result of our two busy schedules, I broached the subject in a very lame, passive-aggressive way over email.  Told him that I felt like he was blowing me off lately.  Told him I felt like I was just his “best tuesday girl”, and that I wasn’t particularly interested in being someone he wanted to hang out with only when there was nothing better going on.  Send.

So he emailed me back, and sounded pretty pissed off.  I didn’t blame him.  Said basically that those sentiments were pretty rich coming from me because he can’t even remember the last time I called him.  And when is the last time I asked him to do something, instead of the other way around.  He’ll answer that for me…..never.  He likes how things are going, and he could try to change some things if it bothered me, but he didn’t see anything that needed changing.

I talked to him on the phone about it.  Ok, I said sheepishly, you have a good point.  Really, at that point I wished I had never even said anything.  It bothered me, but not so much that I would have rather ended it with him than continue the way we were going.  So then we get into this long train-wreck of a conversation about where this relationship is going.  Nowhere, obviously, we both knew that.  He is just looking for something casual right now.  Fine.  Is that the stuff my dreams are made of?  No, of course not.  But I could do it for now.

He said, well, I’ve had women tell me before that they are ok with that for now (had this conversation a few times before, huh?), when they have expectations of it changing soon.  I said, hey, I’m not stupid, I’m not expecting you to wake up one day in love with me and all the sudden become a proper boyfriend, I just meant, I can do it for now and when I can’t anymore then I won’t.   And I couldn’t help thinking that while my approach was all wrong, my theory was right – I was nothing more to him than some girl to hang out with on Tuesday night, when nothing else was going on.  But why was I pressing the issue?  I didn’t want to get serious with him, because ultimately I knew I would have had to break it off because I wasn’t going to fall in love with him, and I don’t have the heart to do that to somebody.

Then he went on some rampage about how I have no confidence and no ego, and how I underestimate myself and that really pisses him off.  I say, well, I think you are wrong, and I don’t want to talk about this anymore.  Then he says, I could give you 100 examples off the top of my head that show that you lack confidence, and you wouldn’t have any argument to make about them.  I said, well, I can’t tell you how badly I don’t want to hear your examples, and luckily he spared me from them.

But part of me thought he was right.  And I started to think about what his examples could be, and it surprised me how many ways that lack of confidence can manifest itself.  And those were just the things I could think of, who knows exactly what he had in mind.  That’s what started me thinking about the putting yourself out there stuff, and how the way you feel about yourself, and the way you feel about the way others feel about you reveals itself in a million different ways.  So much so that fake confidence is so easy to see through if you are even remotely paying attention.

I’m so afraid that someone won’t like the real me that I become this person that, really, nobody  would like.  A person with no opinions (ok, so I’ll probably NEVER become a person with NO opinions, just muted, maybe),  a person who wants to do whatever you want to do, etc.  When really, all people want is to see someone real, someone whole, flaws and all.  I keep trying to tell myself that if I lose someone because they don’t like who I am, that what really am I losing?  But still, you want people to like you.   

So all this angst over someone I didn’t really like that much anyway.  I’m starting to worry what would happen and what it would feel like if I actually had to deal with someone I truly liked and wanted to be with.  Maybe it would all be different.  Maybe I would be different.  Who knows.

 Well, this blog had no direction.  I need to start focusing more when I’m writing. 

So I went on a date last night with a guy I’ve been out with a couple times.  We’ll call him BigBoy (this is a reference  to his height).  I’ve been out with this guy twice before, just to dinner.  I like him just fine, no real spark, but he is a nice enough guy, so I decided to keep seeing him and thought maybe he would grow on me.  So he asked me out again, and I said yes.  And so begins the infamous “third date” .  He invited me to meet him at his house, so I figured he was going to try to get more intimate. 

As a side note, I’m not really a giving-it-up-on-the-third-date kind of girl.  I’m not a prude or a virgin or anything, but I consider myself fairly inexperienced and shy, so getting that physical that quickly makes me a little uncomfortable.  I find that it takes a while for me to warm up to a guy (or at least those I have been on dates with – but I’m still holding out hope that I will meet a guy that I warm up to instantly). 

So anyway, I knew that he wasn’t going to be getting lucky, but I’m not sure he knew that.  Prior to last night, BigBoy had kissed me a couple of times, but basically just little pecks, no real kisses.

It didn’t take long for me to figure out that this guy is not a good kisser.  Like I said above, I consider myself pretty inexperienced for a girl my age, and have always been a little unsure as to whether or not I myself am a good kisser, but regardless, this guy is not a good kisser.  It was kind of weird, actually. 

Anyway, we go out to dinner, then out for some more drinks, and then decided to go home and watch a movie.  Of course, I expected that that would eventually lead to making out.  BUT, I would have appreciated it if, when we got back to his house he would have at least PRETENDED like we were going to watch a movie.  But he didn’t.  He started kissing me as soon as we got in the door.  After a couple of minutes, he was breathing heavy, but I was not the least bit turned on.  He then lead me to the couch, and continued the making out.  Things progressed from there, and he was rounding the bases.  First, second, and on his way to third.  I was trying to think of a polite way to tag him out before he reached third. 

Eventually we made our way to the bedroom (but don’t worry, I had already made it clear that we were not going to be sealing the deal) and continued making out.  And he started pushing my hand toward his crotch.  I don’t like that.  If I wanted my hand in your crotch, I would put it there.  I know where it is.  I know it is no big deal, but like I said, I’m shy and it takes me a while to warm up.  And maybe it is not fair, in terms of getting more than you are giving, but I would have been perfectly happy with him not putting his hand in my crotch either.  I just prefer a guy to let me move at my own pace.  I will get there, don’t get greedy. 

I don’t know, I like to be touched.  I like it a lot.  But I want to feel like a guy wants to touch me because he wants to touch me, not because it is ALWAYS leading somewhere. 

So I really don’t want to see this guy again.  But I know I will, I already made plans to get together with him in a couple of weeks.  I don’t know what my problem is.  I have a real problem telling a man that I don’t want to see him anymore.  But I really have no desire to sleep with this guy.  I can’t sleep with a guy just because I’m too nice to tell him I don’t want to see him anymore, can I? 

Sigh….I just wish I could go out with a guy that I liked immediately with no reservations, as opposed to dating guys that I have no attraction to and keep seeing on the off chance that something will develop, and/or because I don’t want to be mean and blow him off.