Archive for May, 2007

Nothing much to say

{ May 29, 2007 @ 4:19 am } · { dating, online dating, random thoughts, relationships }
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I’m finding it hard to come up with things to say lately.  Partly I think due to the fact that I’ve been dating the same guy for a few months now, so the issues I really would like to address are pretty personal, and probably more than I want to get into here. 

 Sometimes I feel like this guy is really growing on me, and then sometimes I look at him and wonder what the connection is between us.  Does he feel it?  I don’t really know.  We don’t have any real or heavy “relationship” talks, and yet my perception is that he thinks of me as his girlfriend.  He is not real communicative in general, so it is hard to get a read on him. 

This weekend we went to a party at his friend’s house.  So I met more of his friends.  I sat down with the women, and tried to dream up things to talk about.  They asked me how I met him.  I had to admit it was online.  I never thought I was ashamed of it - all of my friends know I’m doing online dating, but I found admitting it to other people a little embarrassing. 

His one friend (“M”) kept flirting with me……and then he grabbed my ass.  I couldn’t tell if he did it on purpose.  I chalked it up to him being a flirty guy in general, but I don’t really know him.  But he’s married, so I don’t really think he was making a pass at me or anything.   

 Today we went to a baseball game.  He goes all the time, and he likes to get there REALLY early so he can catch batting practice (?).  Anyway, he came to my house, and I totally slowed him up – I had to go to the bank, get gas, etc.  I drove (because it would be easier to parallel park my little car), and then I missed the exit, and it took us about a half-hour to get back to where we should have been, and since it was later than he expected, we had a really hard time finding parking.  At one point, I said, “you really hate me today, don’t you?”  He said, it’s ok, we’ll get there.  Um……that didn’t really answer the question I asked.   Anyway, whatever, going to the game with me is not like going with the boys.  Get over it.  But I got him a couple beers and he was fine.  That’s what he gets for asking me to drive.

That’s all I have today.  Having a little writer’s (and I’m using that term loosely, of course) block. 

Reality (TV)?

{ May 22, 2007 @ 3:38 am } · { dating, love, neurosis, relationships, tv, worries }
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Ok, so I watched the finale of the Bachelor tonight.  I know, lamer than lame.  I have been over Andy and his monotone voice for several weeks now, but nonetheless wanted to see who he chose. 

He didn’t pick who I wanted him to pick.  And the rejectee was heartbroken, and of course went away in the limo feeling lower than low and like a total fool.  She said she should have known, because that is how things end for her.

Now, I hate to compare a reality tv show to real life, but nonetheless, the ending of the show made me feel a little uneasy.  I mean, who’s to say that couldn’t really happen?  One person truly feeling like the other was The One, and feeling it with all of her heart, and the other not truly feeling it.  Scary.

Granted, nobody really goes eyes wide open into a relationship with a guy who is dating another woman (or multiple women), so in that way, reality is not so much like The Bachelor.

But one of the main reasons I’m still dating BigBoy is because I’m worried it is just me.  I know it takes me a while to warm up to a guy.  When I am in any relationship, I can literally feel myself physically holding back.  And I can feel myself not always saying what I want to say.  I haven’t yet been able to really and truly let it all go.  I wish I knew why I do that. 

So I guess my concern is that the reason I never get really close to anyone I date is because of me.  It starts with me holding back, which of course they can feel, and that changes the way they feel and react, and the relationships just develop differently than they would have if I could open up. 

I guess what I don’t know is how to walk the fine line between hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.  And I suspect that if you err on the side of preparing for the worst, you will probably always get it.  Nasty little self-fulfilling prophecy.   Because it is impossible to really put it out there and allow yourself fully give of yourself and let yourself be loved while you are fearing rejection or hurt, and thinking that things probably won’t work out. 

Besides, what is the worst that can happen?  You let yourself fall in love, and then get blind-sided by rejection?  Is rejection any better just because you knew it was coming?  And isn’t that really just like double the rejection anyway?  You basically rejecting yourself before someone else does it?  Not truly believing you can make it work or that you are someone worthy of something great? 

Ok, guess I’ve got it all figured out.  Now all I’ve got to do is banish all the negative thoughts and self-doubt from my head.   No problem. 

Guess I touched a raw nerve…..

{ May 21, 2007 @ 1:40 am } · { These people are killing me, mean people, online dating, random thoughts }
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Ah, my first negative comment.

I’m sure I’ve already mentioned that I’m not one to leave well enough alone.  Hence this post.   If I’m being honest, it did bother me a little bit.  Instantly it made me feel defensive, and I reread my post, trying to figure out what about it was offensive.  Ultimately I decided that it wasn’t. 

So what gives?  I thought, well, maybe I was being shallow.  But no.  All I’m doing with the online dating thing is looking for someone who fits with ME.  And that just isn’t someone who substitutes letter and/or numbers for words.  Sorry, can’t do it.  I think that is fair.

 And it is not like I haven’t had my fair share of those who didn’t respond to my emails.  I don’t send out emails anymore, but back when I did, the recipients ignored them all the time.  Such is life. 

Guys lower their standards all the time?  I don’t know if that is true or not, but I do know that I in no way suggested in my post that men have an easier time with the online dating thing.  I’m sure all the same issues go both ways. 

On the other hand, I have frequently told people, in my real life and here that ALL of the men that I have actually gone on dates with were very nice, sincere people.  But I think it is ok (and necessary) to sort through those you think you could potentially be a match with and those with whom you wouldn’t.    

The problem judging a person by reading ONE post on their blog is that you aren’t really getting the full picture.  If Bleah had read my other posts, he would have found that I have more often discussed my own shortcomings and things that I need to work on. 

I guess negative comments are to be expected.  Of course, if I came across a post that I didn’t like, I would just exit it, and not feel compelled to leave a comment, but I guess that is just me.  I put my thoughts out there, so I will have to take whatever is given back. 

Oh, and by the way, Bleah, I don’t have a cat.   So I guess you’ll have to come up with some other nasty little stereotype for me.

Nothing like a little pick-me-up…

{ May 18, 2007 @ 2:18 am } · { random thoughts, tv }
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Geez, Grey’s Anatomy wasn’t exactly the feel-good finale of the year.  Everybody miserable in their own way. 

Makes me glad my life is just boring.

The dating pool is getting a little too diluted…

{ May 17, 2007 @ 6:37 pm } · { These people are killing me, dating, online dating, random thoughts }
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So today I have an email in my inbox from a new match.  My optimistic heart did a little flutter like it always does when I get a new one, just imagining the possibilities.  Ok, I made that up.  My heart stopped doing that around week 2 of the online dating, but still, I do get a little hopeful with each one that he might be a good prospect. 

Wrong again.  This time it is a guy who lives in a different state, a good 4 four hours away from where I live.  Wonderful.  Then he says in his profile that he basically has some top-secret research job which involves him being spirited away at a moment’s notice to some unknown (to me) location.  So, he says, he is not very reliable and may have to cancel plans at the last minute.

Be still my beating heart.  How did he know that is EXACTLY what I was looking for in my dream man?  Secretive and unreliable, and long-distance to boot.  Perfect.  Or better yet, maybe he emailed me because sometimes he secretly travels to my city, and then I can one of his “girls in every port”. 

Then I noticed that while he didn’t have children (allegedly), he didn’t mind if his woman did, as long as they don’t live at home.  Um….what?  So his perfect match is a woman who has given up custody of her children, or worse yet, has had her children taken away by the state?  I suppose it could mean that her children are old enough to live outside the home, but come on now, I’m 29 years old.  Any children I might have over the age of majority would have been birthed sometime before I was 12.  Yuck. 

Come one folks, THINK before you write. 

… continue reading this entry.

Apropos of nothing…

{ May 17, 2007 @ 2:16 am } · { family, life, random thoughts }
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So a while ago I was hanging out with a guy I used to date, CityBoy, and although I don’t remember how it came up, I said something to the effect of “everyone thinks pregnant women are cute”.  And he was really surprised, asked me what I was talking about.  He said, no, that I was wrong.  Then he went on some long rambling about how far from attractive he found pregnant women to be.  A little too emphatically, I thought.  I thought he was nuts and told him so.  Then I said, well maybe it is just women that think pregnant women are cute, and he said, no I think it is just you.

Anyway, for some reason I was thinking about that, so I started asking around.  Turns out he was right.  Well, partially anyway.  All of the women said they thought that pregnant women were cute, but most of the guys I asked said no, usually after some hesitation.  I’d say, no, no, tell the truth, and then they’d say, no, I don’t find them attractive.  Needless to say, some of their wives’ were none too pleased with this revelation. 

Go figure.  Not only do women have to do ALL the work of bearing children, but men are not even appreciative of the physical manifestations of that effort. 

Anyway, I just found that interesting because I always assumed everyone thought pregnant women are adorable. 

Beer Goggles?

{ May 15, 2007 @ 3:13 am } · { dating, love, random thoughts, relationships }
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So this guy I’ve been seeing…..I think he likes me better when he drinks. 

 We usually only see each other once a week (if that), and usually on Saturday evenings.  So we usually go out for dinner, have some drinks.  And he never drinks enough to be drunk (and in truth, I am usually more buzzed than he is – I’m a lightweight).  But he definitely seems more into me when he has a beer in his hand.  When we go out, he is very affection – he holds my hand, gives me little kisses (nothing overbearing in public, of course), puts his arm around me, flirts with me.  The good stuff.

Twice now I’ve hung out with him on a Sunday evening, last night being one of them.  The first time, he was sick (read: seriously hungover).  But still, he invited me over.  But when I got there, he kind of ignored me.  We just layed on the couch together, but he barely spoke to me, we were barely touching, and he hardly even looked at me.  It made me feel kind of weird.  The next day he called me, and said he was sorry that he hadn’t been more “frisky”.  I didn’t care that he was “frisky”, but still, he could have acted like he was happy I was there. 

So last night he invited me over again, so I went.  He wasn’t sick or anything this time, so I thought it would be better.   The fact that I’m writing this post probably makes it clear that it wasn’t really better.  It was marginally better.  But after he got the intial “friskiness” out of the way, he didn’t seem that interested in me.  Again we layed together on the sofa and watched tv.  His arm was around me, but it just sort of hung there limply.  Again, it made me feel weird, like he would have rathered I wasn’t there. 

I can’t figure that man out. 

But then again,  I like him better when I’m drinking too, so I guess the feeling is mutual. 

I’m movin’ on (up?)

{ May 10, 2007 @ 3:22 am } · { life, love, random thoughts, relationships }
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Ecrivain’s post today (A State of Flux) discussed something I’ve been thinking about lately. 

 I have 5 girlfriends that I’ve been friends with since I was fifteen.  They are absolutely wonderful, and the best friends a girl could ask for.  I would never ever complain about them.  Never do I feel so loved, appreciated, and wanted as I do in their company.

And old friends are the best in their own way.  They know everything about you.  They know your whole history without you having to explain it to them, so they understand how things will affect you and why.  But the thing about old friends is that they have their perception of you (and rightfully so), and can sometimes pigeon-hole you into a specific role. 

But who I was at 15 is not who I am at 29 (God willing, anyway).  And it can be uncomfortable to allow your friends to change.  I know I want my friends and loved ones to be just who I think they are.  And when they are who they always are, I know what to expect, and I know that we fit together.  I think sometimes we subconsciously worry that if our friend evolves, she might grow away from us.  Maybe our friendship won’t fit as well.    And so our friends may unwittingly keep us in that spot, convince us that that is who we are, who we are destined to remain.

I always think of the song “I’m Movin’ On” by Rascal Flatts:

I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they’re always the same
They mean me no harm but it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong
I’m movin’ onI’m movin’ on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarantees, but I’m not alone
There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
  

And that is why I didn’t move home (where most of them are) after I was done with school.  Part of me wanted to do so -very very badly.  It would have been so easy, and seamless.  It would have made my days so much less lonely.  But there was another part of me, a stronger part of me that wanted to stay in the city and see what I could make of myself, without the comfort zone of my girlfriends.  And that’s what I’ve been trying to do these last few years, with varying degrees of success. 

I’m still lonely.  And there was a very long period of time when the years were just passing me by.  And I’m sorry for those years that I’ll never get back.  But in the last year or so, I’ve stopped waiting for something to happen to make that better.  I’ve done things to make me feel better about myself, more confident, and gone outside my comfort zone to do things I didn’t think I would do.  But I know that if I’d have gone home, with my friends who I love so dearly, there would have been no impetus for me to change, to grow.  I wouldn’t have had everything I wanted, but it would have been enough to get me by, and I know myself, I would have just left it at that.  I’m too lazy.  Too willing to settle for enough instead of striving for great.  

And so here I am.  I keep trying to make small steps to find what I want, to be who I want.  Even though I’m not brave enough to take great leaps, I’m hoping that the baby steps eventually add up to something.  But then, that’s life, isn’t it?  Always have to keep moving forward, always have some new goal to reach for.  You never fully get there.  And that is a good thing, I suppose, even though the couch potato in me wishes I could just get to the perfect life already and be done with it.

This ain’t a love song (still)

{ May 7, 2007 @ 5:16 am } · { dating, life, love, online dating, relationships }
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I started writing a response to a comment left on my last post (This ain’t a love song…), and it started getting long so I just decided to turn it into a new entry. 

I don’t really feel like I’m cheating on BigBoy, even if dinner with no physical contact could be considered cheating.  He and I have never discussed dating each other exclusively.  I’d be surprised if he was dating other women, but I know he still goes on Match pretty much daily, so he definitely could be. 

But I do lie about it.  He asked me the other night if I went to dinner with a friend, and I said “uh huh”.  That is the main problem with the situation.   I want to be able to be straight-forward about it, but at the same time I don’t want to force a that conversation right now. 

 I know that ending up with someone that I’m not truly in love with is not what I want, and I don’t think I’d ever do that.  But I can see now how people find themselves in that situation.  There is an element of instant gratification that might make it seem reasonable at the time.  But I do know, and am hopefully farsighted enough to understand that it would be a only a momentary solution, and would only cause more heartache down the line.

So I don’t necessarily keep dating  BigBoy (and CityBoy before him) because I’m hoping it will turn into love.  I started doing the online dating thing because I was lonely.  Not the sort of existential lonely because I couldn’t find my soul mate (although that too).  But actually physically lonely.  Alone. 

All of my friends have been married for at least 5 years.  They have their own lives, and while those lives include me, it is only in a peripheral, me-fitting-into-their-lives sort of way.  It didn’t feel like I had a life of my own, but was just sort of piggybacking on theirs. 

So the online thing for me was about meeting people and recreation.  And of course finding someone special.  So casually dating fulfills some of those objectives.  I have met nice men who are fun to hang out with, and that makes me feel less lonely.

So I could break it off with BigBoy, and not continue to date any others that I meet who I don’t immediately feel a connection with, but then would I have?  And I know that sounds bad, like I’m one of those girls who can’t be without a man, and only breaks up with one when she finds another.  But I don’t think that’s true.  I have been alone, for years at a time.  I know I can do that.

That all being said, my main concern is that BigBoy (or any other guy I date) can’t read my mind.  He doesn’t know that I’m not serious about him, so I’m concerned that I’ll work my way into a corner where he gets more serious and I don’t, thereby giving me the ability to really hurt him when ultimately I have to call it quits. 

Luckily (??) for me, I am pretty confident, and past experience has shown that guys get tired of me before that happens.  So I’m kind of rely on it, and then things just end naturally, and relatively easily without it ever haven gotten serious, and before anybody’s feelings are really vested. 

 I know, I know.  I’m working on it.  Or at the very least thinking about working on it.   

And BigBoy got sick this weekend, so we didn’t hang out.  Thus I did not have the opportunity to put my weekend goal into action.  So I’m putting that goal on hold until the next time we hang out.  Or at least the next time we talk. 

This ain’t a love song….

{ May 5, 2007 @ 3:13 am } · { dating, life, love, neurosis, online dating, relationships }
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So I went on a meet and greet last night.  With a guy that we’ll call The Golfer.  He is someone that I’ve been feeling lukewarm about since he started emailing me.  He skipped entirely the part where the correspondence moves from email to telephone, so I had never actually talked to him.

Anyway, we met for dinner last night.  So we got seated and settled in, and then…….nothing.  Silence.  So immediately I started talking, about anything and everything.  And it turned out ok, he is fairly attractive, a gentleman, well-dressed, etc.  But still…….nothing.  I felt nothing.    Didn’t even remotely light my fire.  I’m starting to feel like it is asking to much to want a man with a dynamic personality.

 So as we were leaving, he asked if he could call me.  I said, “Sure!”, all cheerful-like.  Just like I always do.  My (brutal) truth-telling skills need a little work.  And so I continue to add another guy to the list of men I date because of my fear of hurting someone’s feelings.  Only it is even worse this time, because now I am practically cheating (in a no physical contact sort-of-way) on BigBoy (who is number one on my list of men with whom I have failed to end it) with a guy I could take or leave.  Go me. 

But hey, I’m a glass-half-full kind of a girl (and now I can hear my mom and best friend laughing in my head), so we’ll start with the good news - I am VERY good at the first date.  I have a 100% success rate.  The bad news the first date leads to the second date, then the third, fourth, fifth, etc.  And next thing I know, I’m knee-deep in an actual relationship that I’m not really into. 

Don’t get me wrong – I’ve liked all the guys I’ve dated.  The relationships have all been pleasant, and since I have been so starved for even basic physical affection (hand-holding, hand on the small of my back and the like), it is nice to have the attention of a man who is into me.  But the relationships have never progressed to anything serious, and I’m pretty sure that’s my fault. 

I’m not putting it out there.  The conversations never progress to anything other than basically light-hearted subjects.  But I don’t know how to make it deeper than that.  And undoubtedly the guys I date take the lead from the vibe (or lack thereof) they are getting from me. 

But I’m trying, which is much more than I was doing a year ago.  So hopefully I’m making progress. 

Goal for the weekend: I’m going to be spending a lot of time with BigBoy this weekend, so I am going to make a concerted effort to get to know him on a more personal level.  I’ve been sort of dating him for about 4 months now, and I know all the basic stuff about him – job, family, friends, etc., but I don’t know anything about his dating history and things of that nature.  Sometimes I avoid asking such questions because they usually come right back at you, and my dating history of, oh……basically NONE, is kind of embarrassing.  So I will attempt to throw caution to the wind and ask, even if it means I will have to answer as well.

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