Feeling a little blue today. And whiny.
Going to a wedding this weekend with BB. I’ve met several of his friends, but this will be a whole new crowd. I wish I were evolved enough to not care what they think of me, but the real truth is this: I want them to think I’m pretty. Even typing that makes me cringe.
So I’ve been looking for a dress. Never an easy task me for. I don’t have a good dress body. Never have. So I had a tough time, and it is bringing me down. I talked to BB, and he did not exactly make me feel better about it. I think I actually made him nervous that I’m going to look bad. Not the reaction I was looking for.
I hate to admit it, but I was fishing. I wanted him to tell me that he was worried, that he knew I would look beautiful, like always. The thing is, BB doesn’t give much away. I can’t tell if he thinks I’m cute. I can’t really tell what it is that he likes about me. And while I’m certainly not needy, I want to be adored, just like everyone else. Openly adored, even.
I’m not getting that from BB. I can’t tell if he just isn’t demonstrative in that way or if he just doesn’t feel it. But tonight when I talked to him I wanted to cry, because I felt like I was getting an answer. He really doesn’t find me beautiful.
I don’t mean to sound shallow. It’s just that the looks thing is what I’m insecure about. I know I’m smart, I know I’ve got personality. And I think I deserve someone who thinks I am the total package, and I’m not sure BB is that person.
I know, pot, kettle, black. I might be asking for more than I’m giving here.
*sigh*
