Archive for July, 2007

Not quite there yet…

{ July 24, 2007 @ 11:54 pm } · { goals, life, love, random thoughts, relationships, what am I doing with my life? }
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I’m turning 30.  In 7 months.  And I don’t know why, but I was thinking about it today. 

Of course, my life is not what I thought it would be at this age.  But I’m pretty sure everyone feels that way.   And that is not to say that my life is bad, just different than anticipated.

Anyway, I’ve got some time.  And some goals.  Reachable ones.  And while my New Year’s Resolutions fall by the wayside usually by the end of the first week of the year, I am cautiously optimistic about my ability to fulfill my “30 and Fabulous” (for lack of a better title) goals.  Some are big, some small.  In the interests of accountability, I will post them here.  They are as follows (and this list is a work in progress as it is just off the top of my head):

1.  Lose some weight.  Just for me – so that my appearance doesn’t stand in the way of my self-confidence.  As we know, self-confidence affects all aspects of life (work, love, social, etc.).    I don’t need to lose a great deal, but I do need to get in shape.  And healthier wouldn’t hurt either.  So I’m bringing the sexy back.  Although saying “back” suggests that it was present at some point, which may be stretching the truth.  

Anyway, I digress.

2.  Start an investment portfolio.  Even if it is teeny-tiny.   Just seems like it is time to start thinking about my future, and not just figuring out how to get by today.

3.  Take some cooking classes.  I already can cook.  My repertoire is very limited, just because I don’t cook that much (take-out is faster and easier).  But really the reason I want to do this is just to (a) get out and cultivate some interests and (b) be around new people.  I am concerned that I don’t really have any passion(s) in life, and I don’t put myself in situations to meet new people.  Plus I am very self-conscious about cooking for other people (other than baking), so I would like to have some go-to dishes that I feel good about.

4.  Simplify, simplify, simplify.  My life is cluttered.  I have just so much STUFF.  Too many clothes, books (VERY hard to part with), shoes, etc.  This goal is two-fold:  (a)  get rid of existing stuff and (b) stop the bleeding.  Slow down on the shopping.  This sort of goes hand-in-hand with no. 3 above.  I go shopping because I’m bored.  I need other things to do to pass the time.  AND, once I slow the shopping, I won’t be spending much money, which will help with no. 2. 

I feel like I’m having one of those A-HA moments that Oprah is always talking about.  Like I’m starting to see how everything fits together. 

Of course I have much bigger goals for my life, ones that have to do with finding and being a better half, a sparkly diamond ring, and the pitter-patter of little feet, but I don’t want to overwhelm myself.  This is only 7 months that I’m talking about here.  And I figure that having my act (more) together can only help with these major goals as well. 

 Ok, that is just a start.  If/when I think of more, I’ll add them. 

I bruise easily

{ July 14, 2007 @ 4:22 am } · { dating, life, love, neurosis, relationships, worries }
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Sigh….

Why is it that when one thing gets you down you start picking apart all aspects of your life?  Or is it just me?

I was supposed to go out with one of my girl friends tonight.  She cancelled on me (which she always does).  No big deal, right?  But I was just sitting at my desk, feeling low.  Like a loser.  The thing is, and I never really admit this, but I don’t really have any friends. 

Ok, of course I have friends.  I have very wonderful friends that I love dearly.  They don’t live here.  They are never going to live here.  And I’m never going to live there.  So while they will be in my life, and they would do anything for me and vice versa, they are not going to be people I spend great amounts of time with.   

I have friends that live in the area (although remotely).  There are two.  One is married and has a 6 month old baby.  The other is a flake and a half.  So I never hang out with them either.  While it is great to have all these friends I can call anytime of day and certainly do spend enough time talking to/emailing with, I desperately need friends to hang out with.

So anyway, I always feel a little bit like loser when B asks me what I’m doing on the days that I’m not spending time with him (read:  six days a week).  My answer is always this – “nothing much”.  I hate that.  He has many friends, and goes out all the time.  I feel like some girl who has no life of her own, which nobody really likes.  And it’s not like I rely on any guy to be my everything – after all I have been single since time immemorial.  I can and do do things on my own and by myself.  But the fact remains that I have no friends. 

Simply put – I am lonely.  Profoundly lonely.  The kind of lonely that leaves you yearning for human touches.  And yes, it is better now that I’ve started dating, but sometimes I find that it sort of shines the spotlight on my loneliness, because I try to see what my life looks like through somebody else’s eyes.  When I am able to go home (where I grew up), I literally bask in the attention and affection of my friends.  I always come away from those weekends feeling happy and appreciated and well-loved.  A way I never feel here.  I always think, and sometimes remark to others that nobody gets me and loves me the way that they do.  But as time passes those feelings seep away, sometimes quickly, and I’m left here wondering why I’m not able to make new friends and live in this space. 

So anyway, once I’m feeling bad about my lack of friends, I start feeling negative about my relationship with B.  After all, how could he really find interest in some girl who has absolutely nothing going on?  And why is how I feel about him contingent upon how he feels about me?  I can’t analyze my feelings for him without considering how he feels.  And since I don’t have a clue how he feels, that is indeed a difficult task.  But then I start thinking maybe I should just break it off – that way I won’t have to spend what is not an insignificant amount of time worrying about what he is doing and how he feels.  That it is a complication I don’t need in my life.  That I can go back to my comfortable life.  And yes, it is really only half a life, but there was very little potential for hurt and/or disappointment.  No chance to be rejected and conversely, no chance to be loved. 

Were this a romance novel, some man would come along, somehow see my vulnerability, find it endearing, and care enough to do whatever it takes to find a way get past my tough exterior.  I would have no choice but to let myself fall, and he would catch me.  Love would be found and the rest would be history. 

This is not a romance novel.  This is my real life, and men are, well, just men.  Human.  Most of whom have their own issues, and don’t have the energy or inclination to spend the time trying to figure me out when there are so many beautiful and emotionally available women for the taking.    While my inner romantic is virtually screaming to get out, I’m the only one who can hear her.

So B and I slowly circle around, each waiting for the other to make a move, show their cards.  Probably with a window of opportunity to do so that is always narrowing.  And me, I’m so scared of making the wrong move that making no move seems preferable.  But that always ends up in the same place, with me back where I started. 

I always think that it will be easy when the right man comes along, but more and more I’m getting nervous that it will just be the same, and if that is the case, then how do I know B (and those who came before him) isn’t the right one?  Maybe I don’t need a different man so much as different attitude.    

And I guess I need to decide if giving up on the idea of love is worth knowing that I won’t be hurt, that I won’t suffer disappointments.  If if not, how do I move forward, be different, better, braver?

 All of this because my friend ditched me tonight. 

A tale of two theories…

{ July 8, 2007 @ 11:30 pm } · { dating, love, neurosis, random thoughts, relationships }
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So time marches on.  I’m still dating B.  It’s a relationship I really haven’t figured out.  In fact, he’s a man I haven’t really figured out.  And we are going on, oh, about 6 months of dating.  Still haven’t figured out how to read him.  I see him about once a week, so I wouldn’t say it is a serious relationship.   

I have narrowed the whole thing down to two theories about B/the relationship.  The first one I’ll refer to as “still waters run deep.”  This scenario assumes that B is one of those guys who are not chatty or communicative.  Doesn’t like to talk about his feelings.  Also not too touchy (feely, I mean, as opposed to sensitive).  Not big on giving compliments.  This theory allows me to believe that he has feelings for me, but just doesn’t express them in any major (read:  cannot be seen to the naked eye and requires some interpretation) way.  There are brief flashes of feelings, some nice touches, arms around me when we sleep.  Other than those flashes, I have to assume he likes me based on his actions:  inviting me virtually everywhere, introducing me to his friends, taking me to my team’s baseball games even though he is a fan of the other team in the city, calls me pretty much every day.  Not the stuff of grand romance, to be sure, but some effort on his part. 

 As I writing this I’m realizing that the “still waters run deep” theory is actually the best case scenario here.  Yikes. 

The other theory is entitled “he’s just not that into you”.  Not my original theory, of course.  And frankly, though I’ve never read the book, I’m not sure the author was really doing women any favors.  It breeds a little bit of paranoia, I believe.  Anyway, this theory is pretty self-explanatory as well.  B doesn’t talk about his feelings for me because he has none.  Ditto with the touching.  Doesn’t tell me I look/smell/dress nice because he doesn’t think I do.   So why bother with me, you ask?  Well, you know.  A little something is better than nothing, no?  I never thought of myself as a booty-call kind of girl, but c’mon, it does happen. 

On the other hand, we live too far away from each other to really be an effective just-for-sex relationship.  And truly I don’t think it is.  It is just that the relationship is lacking any real intensity.  And so I just try to interpret every last word, look, gesture, touch, etc.  And God knows that a guy’s mind does not work the same way as a woman’s, so probably my interpretations are a little off,  and then I go get my feelings hurt over something not based in reality.  * sigh*

Not to mention that I’m not exactly a wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve kind of girl, so I’m sure that his behavior is affected by mine. 

Clearly the answer here is that I need to talk to him.  I always intend to, but I never really do.  Outwardly insecure and unsure is not a role I play very well.  That’s the problem that I find I have in relationships – I have a hard time dropping the tough exterior and allowing myself to be and allow people to see my vulnerability.  So maybe I should spend more time working on that since my behavior is the only thing I can really control. 

This stuff is harder than I had imagined during all those years of singleness.  I’m not as good at it as I thought I would be (although I had no reason to think I would be good at it).  But I’m trying.   Hopefully that counts for something.