Archive for September, 2007

You say tomato…

{ September 28, 2007 @ 4:42 pm } · { dating, relationships }
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So B and I are taking a little overnight trip this weekend.  Nowhere exciting, just following his favorite baseball team.  I’m pretty much just along for the ride. 

I’m really starting to hope that opposites DO attract. 

He told me last night what time he would be at my house to pick me up on Saturday morning.  He is picking me up in enough time to be sure we arrive at the airport a FULL 2 HOURS prior to take-off.  I said, ok, I’ll try to be ready.  He said, “no, you HAVE to be ready, because we’ve got to go catch the flight.”  Yes, I know, I said soothingly.  But in my head I was wondering who the hell actually gets to the airport that early and WHY?  But whatever, he paid for everything, so I’m just gonna go with the program.  But on my own I never get to the airport more than an hour in advance, if even that. 

So then he told me how  he had already packed his overnight bag, and had tried to scope out the area on the internet to find someplace for us to go for dinner/drinks after the game.  Already had his maps printed up and ready to go as well.

Me?  Not only am I not packed, I’m not even sure that whatever it is that I’m going to pack is clean.  I have to find some little bottles for all my liquids (I never carry-on my bag, but B never checks his, so I thought I’d just carry mine on so I don’t slow him down at baggage claim). 

Then he told me that the game time had been moved forward a couple of hours, so now we are going to be on a tight schedule because, if everything goes well, we will be landing a mere two hours before the game starts, so we have to go STRAIGHT THERE.  Because heaven only knows what might happen if, say, we got to the game just as it was starting as opposed to a hour in advance. 

So, we’ll see.    I will be on my best behavior so I don’t mess up his little travel schedule.  But I’m getting tired of being on my best behavior. 

More of the same (whining)

{ September 27, 2007 @ 4:34 am } · { dating, life, love, neuroses, relationships, worries }
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*Sigh*

……………………………………………Even I am reluctant to hear my same old whining.  I’m starting to think I’m a slow learner. 

So I had a talk with B on Sunday.  It was pretty weak as far as heart-to-hearts go, but it was enough to make me feel better.  Except I felt a little worse about myself because I’m not sure when I became such a pansy.  He talked about how he has been in a funk because of stuff going on at work, so then I felt kind of like an asshole.  Like some crappy girlfriend who is kicking her boyfriend while he is down.  But that is the thing about relationships – you can talk to me when you are feeling down.  You don’t have to always entertain me – if you want to just hang out at home and don’t feel like going out, that is fine by me.   I should be able to help you feel better.   I’m not just a good-time girl.   I want to be there for you.  But I didn’t tell him any of that – I just let it drop.  So now I’m in a funk, and it has his name on it.

Anyway, so then I felt a little better.  And then the last couple of days……dead silence.  He hasn’t called.  Which by itself is no big deal.  If he is out, I don’t expect him to answer.  But I don’t remember the last time he answered the phone when I called him.  And I’ve mentioned the screening the calls thing in a passive aggressive manner a couple of times, so he could at least pick up the phone and talk to me for a few minutes.  If he is tired, then he can just say so.  But him screening my calls is making me feel crazy.

So I did what is almost a knee-jerk reaction for me – I sent him an email.   (see Someone Like You).  I almost always end up regretting it when I do that, but this time I almost don’t blame myself.  I don’t have another way to tell him how I feel if he won’t answer the phone, except for waiting for him to call me, but I wanted to get out how I feel RIGHT NOW.  So I did.  I have no idea how he will receive it, but we’ll see.  I don’t expect a response – he never responds to my emails.  He is one of those people who doesn’t do personal emailing at work.  I know, its maddening. 

But for better or worse, I finally articulated my feelings, even if the format was lame.   I guess it makes me feel slightly better.  But not that much, hence this post.  Its just that, well, I read Kara’s blog and the way she talks about her and Chris makes me feel almost wistful.  Like the way I feel a relationship should be.    The way he brags about her to his friends and family, the way he is open about his feelings toward her, the way they both definitely can see a future together.   I can’t tell if B and I are just bad at communicating together, or if it just isn’t quite there.    Maybe I’m waiting for something that isn’t going to happen with this man.

Or maybe I’m just a crazy girl who got her panties in a bunch about her boyfriend not calling her for 2 days.  Totally overreacting.  I honestly have no idea anymore.

*sigh*

…….and I ain’t got nobody

{ September 23, 2007 @ 2:40 am } · { dating, life, love, neuroses, relationships, sex, worries }
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You guessed it……Saturday night.  And here I am, alone. 

*Sigh*

Why do I have such an inability to tell this man what is bothering me?  It’s like a nasty cycle – I get upset and vow to tell him what is on my mind.  Then he’ll call or text me, and I’ll feel momentarily better, so don’t say anything.  Then I’ll see him and everything seems fine.  And then it starts all over, and thing just start building up.

I think I’m with a man who doesn’t really care about spending time with me.  And I have a very hard time asking for what I want, in any situation, really.  I don’t want to put people out, and I have a hard time showing any kind of need.  But in a relationship it is ok to have needs.  It is even a good thing, probably.  I need more attention.  Period.  And I’m not talking about a lot of attention, I’m talking about hanging out once a week.  I’m fairly certain that is not too much to ask.  Part of the reason I have been reluctant to bring it up is because I want this stuff to come naturally to him.  It seems to me that if he had any real feelings for me, he would WANT to spend more time with me.  So I don’t want him to spend time with me because I am nagging him, I want him to want to do it.  But maybe it is too much to hope that any man is going to know what you want if you don’t tell him.  I don’t know. 

So I HAVE to have this conversation tomorrow.  I just have to.  I’m worried the conversation will lead to a break-up (see my posts from February for details on the last time I had such a conversation), and then it will be like breaking up with my only friend.  Not fun. 

We are going out of town together next weekend, just overnight.  So I think he might be saving his tolerance up because it will be a WHOLE 24 HOURS that he will be with me.  We wouldn’t want him to get burnt out on me, now would we?

Next week is his birthday as well, so I’ve been shopping for a gift.  I have struck out thus far.  And I’ve been shopping for some sexy lingerie just for fun, and that has been going about as well.  I don’t have the prettiest body, and lingerie is not forgiving.  I get embarrassed just trying it on, and I’m the only one who can see it, so I know I wouldn’t feel too good wearing it for him.  Obviously he has seen me in my birthday suit, but somehow it feels worse for him to know I’m actually trying to be sexy by wearing some slutty get-up.  Makes me feel a little vulnerable, I guess.  Does this make sense to anyone else?  But I didn’t buy anything anyway, so I guess that is a moot point. 

 Ok, that’s all for now.  I’ll have the conversation tomorrow, I promise.

What can I do for you?

{ September 12, 2007 @ 9:36 pm } · { These people are killing me, how you found me, random thoughts }
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Well, I am sometimes humored by the various searches that bring folks to my blog.  I’ve read posts from many other bloggers who discuss their own searches, so I thought I’d do one. 

 I get a lot of the same stuff.  And I have to say, in general, if one just looked at the searches, you would think my blog was very depressing.  Is it?  I never intend for it to be, and certainly I’m not depressed, its just that the things I usually write about are things that I am struggling with in some way. 

For example: “my life is a mess”, “I don’t have any goals in life”,”no confidence”

Apparently, those of you lacking direction have found a forum. 

I have been found by someone who has been “ditching friends for a married man”.   Well, I never like to offer unsolicited advice, but since you asked, I have the following advice for you:    DON’T DO IT! 

Another search (and I’ve had this one a number of time) that bothers me is “I want to date with my stepsister”.  For the record, I want to state that I have NEVER engaged in any untoward behavior with my step-sisters, nor have I ever had the desire to do so.  But since you are here, I also have advice for you:  DON’T DO IT!  I know, I know, I’m a one-trick pony here, but seriously, that is just wrong.  So stop it!

But what I really hate are the ones that leave me hanging.  I wish wordpress would find a way to put all the text of the search onto my dashboard, instead of cutting it off, because some of these really make me wonder.

“why does the guy I’m seeing want me to…..”  Imagine the possibilities.   And I would like to help this lost soul, but I can’t provide any assistance without knowing what he wants her to do.  I’m going to need you to be more specific.  And apparently more concise, we only get so much space in that section.

“when he just won’t invest financially in…..”  Again, it is hard to lend support without knowing the full story.  This could go either way.  If the rest of the sentence reads “my engagement ring”, then I think we all know the answer.  Buh-bye. 

“From:  Guy Subject:  She was decent enou……”  Ok, this leads me to believe she was decent enough for some things, but not so much for others.  On second thought, this one is not so much a mystery.  Except for the form of it – this “guy” must have been sending around an email about her, which I don’t think is very nice. 

“boyfriend feels more comfortable discuss….”  Discussing what?  Cars?  Sport?  Snooze.  Discussing my shortcomings with his mother?  RED FLAG!  Discussing interior design?  Another RED FLAG, although for a different reason.  Again, I need more details, please.

My advice generally here is not to mince words when you do an internet search.  Leave out non-important words. 

And there are some of you I feel sorry for.  Obviously you are looking for answers, and for whatever reason you were directed to by blog.  And for those of you who have actually read a post or two of mine, you know I CLEARLY do not have the answers to all questions.  Two in particular jump out at me right now, and I get these all the time:

“Why won’t he make plans to get together?”

“Why doesn’t he like me?”

If I knew the answers to these questions, what would I be doing here?  I’d have to find something else to whine about, I guess.

And, to you who “want to be exclusive”?  Me too, sister.  Me too.

Also, if you are the one who found me by typing “on second date he called me beautiful”,  I have no idea why you are here, except maybe to rub it in.  My boyfriend has yet to call me beautiful, not even on the second date.  Not even on the THIRD date, which leads me to believe I might be too easy.  But that is a topic for another time.

And lastly, there are many many many of you who find me by asking in some form why you bruise so easily.  Sorry you were brought here.  I have no medical training whatsoever, but I wish you the best of luck, especially the one who asked like this, “WHY BRUISE ALL THE TIME?”  It seemed a little desperate, maybe angry.  Good luck with that though. 

Seriously, though, I am happy even to have readers.  Whatever brings you here, I hope you get something out of it, even if you are just laughing at me.

New Look!

{ September 12, 2007 @ 12:37 am } · { Uncategorized }
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Don’t push the “back” button – it’s me!  I’ve just chose a new theme.  I was tired of the one I had.  None of the wordpress themes really feel like me, but I thought I’d switch it up anyway.  I wish wordpress was like myspace, where the choices are virtually limitless, and very easy to customize.  I can never figure out how to change anything here on wordpress.  Seems to require at least a little programming knowledge, and that is entirely above my head. 

 Do any of you know anything about LibraryThing?  I saw a LibraryThing link on a blogspot page, went and created an account, but I can’t figure out if or how to add a link to my page.   

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room?

{ September 11, 2007 @ 4:12 am } · { dating, love, neuroses, random thoughts, relationships, worries }
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 It’s not a silly little moment.  It’s not the storm before the calm. This is the deep and dying breath of this love that we’ve been working on.

Can’t seem to hold you like I want to.  So I can feel you in my arms.  Nobody’s gonna come and save you, we pulled too many false alarms.

We’re going down, and you can see it too.  We’re going down, and you know that we’re doomed.  My dear, we’re slow dancing in a burning room.

-John Mayer

Here I am again tonight…..sending of my thoughts into cyberspace instead of actually speaking them, making them known to those who are actually affected by them.

I always come here when I have something to say that I don’t want to say directly to B.  But this outlet is starting to not be enough. 

I’m so independent and so afraid of showing people that I have any kind of need, so I swallow whatever is bothering me.  Usually things work out fine and I shrug it off, forget about it.  I am perfectly willing to admit that most of the worries I have are just that – a nagging feeling in my head that turns out to be nothing.  And there is a very good chance that the worries I am having tonight will turn out to be nothing too, but they are plaguing me right now.    

B didn’t call me tonight.  So I called him.  He didn’t answer.  Not a big deal, but it seems like every time I’ve called him lately, he hasn’t picked up.  So I think he might be screening me.  And it makes me sad to think of him looking at his caller id, seeing my name – sighing and/or rolling his eyes before putting the phone back down, still ringing.  Maybe he pushes the “ignore” button like I do when I’m screening.  I feel unfair even thinking that, because I know that he calls me way more than I call him.  And I know he is out doing stuff when I call him, and I don’t expect him to answer when he is out with other people.  But it has just happened a lot lately, so now I’m thinking about it, and every time he doesn’t pick up I make a little checkmark in my head, trying desperately to stop my mind from adding them up. 

I’m not sure B has room in his life for me.  No, that’s not it.  He went looking for something he felt was missing, so I know that he CAN make time for me in his life.  But I don’t know if he wants to.  But I know if I broach that subject with him, he’ll point out, and rightfully so, that I’m the one that has been out of town 6 weekends out of the last 8. 

Oh, I just don’t know.

I’m going to have to talk to him.  As lame as it makes me feel.  I would actually be glad if he tried to start a conversation with me about something that was bothering him.  Then I would feel like this is a real relationship, instead of whatever it is – some nice and easy, competely undefined relationship wherein neither one of us is expressing our true feelings.  And I think (given my obviously VERY VAST knowledge of the menfolk) that men like to feel needed and wanted (actually, don’t we all want that?), and it is probably hard to feel that way with someone who doesn’t muster up any true feelings about anything. 

But then I start to think that you should ask questions unless you want to hear the answers.  I think I’m getting to the point where I would rather hear the answers, regardless of what they are, because the ignorance is bliss thing can only work for so long. 

In my quest to be some evolved, cool, and understanding girlfriend I’ve turned into some lame, opinionless girl.  Which sucks, for me and for him.  And what is the point of pretending that I’m cooler than I am?

I think it would actually be an improvement to use this space to vent about the arguments I have with B after I freaked out about something stupid instead of using it as a place to vent my feelings to INSTEAD of telling him. 

Ok, when this boy finally calls me back I will really really try this time to be a grown up and tell him how I feel.

*sigh*

Getting to second base??

{ September 11, 2007 @ 1:30 am } · { dating, friends, neuroses, random thoughts, relationships, worries }
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So today B went to a baseball game, which he very frequently does.  We go together fairly often, although we like different teams.  But more often he goes to games with his friends.  Today he went to a game with a GIRL friend….

It’s making me feel a little weird.  I feel about 98% confident that he is just friends with this girl, but the other 2% has a very loud voice that has been talking in my head all day.  He didn’t try to hide the fact that she was going with him, so that helps me feel ok.  But still, things happen, and I know they probably had a fair amount to drink today.  And, from the sound of it, his little friend doesn’t hold back when it comes to alcohol. 

Part of the problem is I don’t know this girl. 

In any case, I’m pretty sure I’m not going to bring it up to B.  I don’t want to create an issue where there is none.  But I sure wish he would call…..

Wistful…

{ September 7, 2007 @ 9:49 pm } · { family, friends, love }
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One of my best friends (“T”) is hugely pregnant (actually 2 of them are, but I’m only discussing the one here).  She is far and away the best person I know – and absolutely beautiful person inside and out.  And I mean that wholeheartedly.  Her husband (“S”) is also a wonderful person – together they are the most amazing (yikes, now I sound like Tom and Katie!)couple I know.

 They had trouble getting pregnant.  It was not an easy road.  By the grace of God they did conceive, and are expecting their baby girl in less than two weeks.  I am so happy for them and can’t wait to meet their new baby.

Anyway, so today S sent around a mass email to everyone just saying how T is pretty uncomfortable right now, and she is still teaching, in a school with no air conditioning.  He talked about how she can’t sleep, is having contractions, and is just ready to have the baby.  He said that she has been such a trooper, and he is so very proud of her.  He attached some pictures of he and T and her huge belly.

It was just so…..loving.  Like you could tell just from reading this short email that his heart is so full of love for T and for the baby.  Oh, to have someone feel that way about you.  It just made my heart ache a little.