Archive for November, 2007

Ramblings…

{ November 29, 2007 @ 5:42 pm } · { dating, family, life, love, random thoughts, relationships, work }
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So last night B told me that his Mom is coming to his work Christmas party (she worked there until she retired early this year).  Yikes!  I’ve never met any of his family.  I’m not even sure his family knows of my existence.  He has never made any comments to indicate that they know about me.  Unlike my parents and sister, who keep wanting to know why they haven’t met him (hello, GEOGRAPHY), and have spread the good word among the entire extended family (J has a boyfriend!  J has a boyfriend!).  Anyway, so I will meet his mother next weekend at the party.  In a crowd.  With a bunch of people around, all staring and watching to see how it goes.  Self-involved much?  Ok, perhaps they won’t all be paying attention, but still.  So I need a cute and festive outfit.  But not slutty.

 Anyway, so it turns out that B won’t be able to come to my mom’s with me after all (not that I had asked).  He has tickets to a football game on the 23rd, which is right in the middle of my visit.  So my mom (and sister and step-dad) will have to keep waiting out the old meet-and-greet.  Which is fine.  One meet the parents evening in a month is quite enough for me.

My family (specifically my mom) thinks that this relationship I have with B is weird.  Why haven’t we met him?  Why haven’t you met his parents.  So I move at the speed of glaciers when it comes to this stuff.  Is that so wrong?  Back off!  Maybe it is weird, I don’t know.  But also I don’t care. 

My boss has been planning a month-long vacation over the holidays.  I have been looking forward to his vacation for months.  Dreaming about this one glorious month when he’ll be gone, and I can go about my work unfettered by his constant buzzing me in my office, asking for this or that.  Ahhhhhhhh.  I can feel the tension leaving my shoulder just thinking about it.

But wait.  Yesterday he told me that he might not go on vacation after all.  I almost had a panic attack, all the while trying to remain outwardly calm, casually asking why not, and suggesting that he will be lonely if he is all alone for the holidays while his family is on vacation.  He is still up in the air.  I’m sure he’ll end up going.  At least that is what I tell myself in my darkest moments. 

I need to get going on my holiday decorating.  I haven’t even gotten my tree out yet.  I’m behind.  Although, the truth is that I always go all out decorating my apartment, and then virtually NO ONE sees it but me.  How pathetic is that?  But I’m so much less lonely this year than the last several years, so I don’t feel as bad about it.   

So I still have no idea what to get B for Christmas.  But I think I know one of the things (the only thing?) he is getting me:  a bluetooth.  Yes, that’s right ladies.  I can hear you all sighing in envy, wondering how you too can bag such a romantic guy.  But if that is what he gets me, I’ll open it up and act like it is the most beautiful bluetooth I’ve ever seen (much better than, say, diamond earrings), and in my head I will tell myself that he cares about me so much that he loses sleep worrying about me driving and talking on the phone at the same time.  Maybe I should do a preemptive strike and buy one for myself before Christmas.  No, that’s kind of mean.  He did ask me what I wanted and I didn’t give him any ideas, so it is not his fault.  I know how hard it is to buy gifts. 

Anyway, I think that is enough randomness for today.

Thanks(giving)

{ November 28, 2007 @ 4:32 am } · { family, love, relationships }
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So I went to my dad’s house for the holiday weekend.  It is about a 5 hour drive.  It was great to get to spend time with my family – I haven’t been there for quite some time, so it was overdue.  But I have to say, after 4 days, I’m all gamed out. 

I missed B.  Almost immediately.  When I was driving there (endlessly, it seemed), I was wishing that he was with me. 

Also, I hate it when I don’t get to see him on any given weekend, because that means I have to wait a WHOLE WEEK until I see him again.  I would like to get over this once-a-week hump (no pun intended), but I’m not really sure how to do so.  I feel that the limited amount of time we get to spend together is holding us back in terms of really getting more serious in this relationship. 

He will be off work from about the middle of December to after the New Year.  Lucky bastard.  I am going to visit my mom (on the other side of the country) from the 21st through the 26th, and I started thinking about asking him to join me, even if only for a couple of days before Christmas.  I haven’t decided yet. 

Also, I have to buy this man a Christmas gift.  I have no clue, seriously. 

Rising from the ashes…

{ November 19, 2007 @ 5:49 am } · { dating, do your job, friends, love, relationships, worries }
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So I took B home for my friend’s wedding this weekend.  I’ve been sweating this weekend for VERY LONG time, as B had yet to meet any of my friends.  As usual, my anxiety was much ado about nothing.  We had a good time. 

My friends were great, as always.  They didn’t try to humiliate me, and they met the balance of behaving good but not too good.  They had told me before that they would be on their best behavior, but truly, it would have creeped me out to see them all acting perfectly nice.   Anyway, they made an effort to include B in the conversation and try to get to know him.  I appreciated that.

And I was happy with B, too.  He was very affectionate, more so than usual.  I like to think it was just because he liked seeing me in my natural environment – smiley and talkative, but it was probably the quantity of the beer he drank too.  Whatever the reason, I basked in the attention.  I just felt good having him see where I come from and that there are people out there who love me, because my life here is often lonely. 

In other news, that rat bastard of a tailor I took my dress to gave it back to me on SATURDAY (read:  mere hours before I was supposed to wear it) smelling like a dirty old ashtray.  I had a feeling there might be a little smell to it, given how his shop smelled, but I figured since he was a professional and a business owner, he would know how to work with clothing in a satisfactory way.  I was so wrong.  It REEKED.  He literally must have been blowing smoke right onto my dress for several days.  And to add insult to injury, I tried it on when I got home, and while he hemmed the dress as I asked, it seems he forgot to hem the lining.  Or perhaps having the lining hanging out for several inches on the bottom is the new hot trend, and I’m just behind the times.  The lining hem I probably could have taped, but there was no way in hell I was going to go to the wedding smelling like ass (excuse me, ash), so I had to go to the reserves and pull a dress out of my closet at the last minute.  Needless to say, I was NOT happy about that.  So me and my dress will be taking a little trip back to his store tomorrow, demanding our money back. 

But, overall – a good weekend.  And mercifully, a short week ahead!

Give me a little more you…

{ November 15, 2007 @ 5:55 am } · { life, love, random thoughts, relationships, worries }
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I talked to B tonight.  Left me wanting more, and not in a good way. 

I don’t think what he is giving me is enough.  I hate to say that, honestly I do.  He does all of the surface things that boyfriends are supposed to do:  calls me frequently, takes me to dinner, takes my hand to guide me in a crowd, puts his hand on my knee underneath the table at dinner, holds me to his chest when we go to bed. 

I just don’t feel that he tries to dig deep to get to truly know me.  I don’t know, maybe his personality is just different from mine.  I will ask question after question about all manner of things, trying to get to the center.  He listens when I talk, and can usually remember what I tell him, but he doesn’t really try to learn more.  I don’t know – maybe he doesn’t need to, maybe I volunteer enough.  But I don’t think that is it. 

Tonight I shamelessly went on a fishing expedition.  Didn’t catch a thing.  I was telling him that I had planned to meet a friend of mine for dinner, ManWhore, who is going to be in town.  I told him that we aren’t meeting up anymore because my cousin is going to be in town, so now I’m going to meet up with her instead.  But I told him that ManWhore had been kind of feeling me out, trying to find out whether I would get down and dirty with him while he was here, and I didn’t think he really wanted to go to dinner with me anymore once I told him that we would not be engaging in any sexual activity.    B just said something like, “well, maybe you can catch lunch with him next time you are home”.   Makes me feel foolish about the conversation with ManWhore about why I couldn’t hook up with him, telling him that it just wouldn’t be right, me doing that behind B’s back, and that I didn’t want to be the kind of person that couldn’t be trusted.

Is a little jealousy too much to ask for?  I just need some sort of passion for me (outside of the bedroom) and I’m finding it hard to come by.  I don’t need someone to love everything about me, because that isn’t realistic, but I have to feel that my man is compelled to learn things about me.  I know I hold back a little, but I don’t think I’m that tough of a nut to crack if you care enough to try.      

He’s gonna have to step it up.  Soon.  And if he has issues with anything I do or don’t do, I would absolutely LOVE to hear about them, and try to do better.  I would be so happy to just know that he had some kind of thought about this relationship.  I like to tell myself that he is just playing his cards VERY close to his chest, but come on, this isn’t poker.  I need to see those cards. 

As I write this post the Oprah show is on, and the topic today is true love.  All these amazing love stories. 

*sigh*

Say it isn’t sew

{ November 14, 2007 @ 3:43 am } · { These people are killing me, do your job, mean people }
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So I had to take a dress to the tailor to get altered.  I walked in and the place REEKED of smoke.   Unfortunately, I need the dress for this weekend, so I didn’t have time to leave and find another place.  So this little guy comes out and I told him that I need my dress altered.  He asked me what I needed, and I told him I needed it to be hemmed and I would like the straps to be taken up (tired of my boobs hanging out, as I’m sure are the people around me).  I decided to leave out the part about how I wanted a new sash on it, as he seemed kind of put out already.  He asked me when I needed it by, and I told him Friday evening.  The look he gave me was so withering that I squeeked out a “saturday morning?”, and he shook his head and made some indecipherable sounds.  “No?” I said, and he just kept shaking his head and then told me to go try it on. 

I did so and he came and pinned it up.  I took it off, got dressed and took my dress back out to him in the front.  He then wrote me up a receipt, and he said, “you need it by this weekend?” and I said, yes, Friday evening or Saturday morning.  He said, “what time do you need to wear it on Saturday?  I am very busy.”  I was thinking that I’d rather not leave it until the VERY last minute, considering that I have to drive a couple hours to get where I’m going.  I told him that I wanted to pick it up no later than 11:00 a.m.  He said, “11:00 is fine?”  And I said yes.  I suspect if I show up at 10:45 on Saturday, he will have just started the alterations.  

Oh, and he is charging me more than the dress actually cost.  And I mean that literally.

Why did I let him make me feel bad?  I’m paying him for his service, and I almost felt like apologizing for bothering him.  I don’t sew (obviously), but I’m pretty sure a simple hem job will take no more than about 20 minutes.  The straps will probably take a little longer, but I can’t imagine that it will be too complicated.  Not to mention that my dress will likely come back smelling of smoke, and heaven knows that by the time I get it back at 11:00 on Saturday, it will be way too late for any kind of cleaning. 

I didn’t like him too much. 

Make those chocolate chip, please!

{ November 12, 2007 @ 9:25 pm } · { dating, friends, is it just me?, life, love, random thoughts, relationships }
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So on Friday I went to an awards service dinner with B.  He has been with his company for 10 years, so they gave him, (along with all the others who are celebrating an anniversary with any number that is a multiple of five) an award.

His work friends were pretty fun.  More so, I thought, than his bar friends.  They were actually interested in me, and engaged me in a lot of conversation, which was nice.  I can hold up my end of a conversation, I just can’t manage to hold up both ends, which is how it usually feels around his other friends. 

Anyway, so the company had given all of the honorees a catalog with a list of items they could choose as their award, depending on how many years they had been there.  Well, B already had everything that was on the list that he could choose from, so he ordered a stand mixer.  You know, for making cookies or other baked goods.  When we got there, he realized that the company had listed the gifts chosen by each employee next to their name on the program, and also they announced it when each employee went up there to be lauded by his supervisor.  So my poor boy had to proudly take this HUGE box with a red stand mixer in it back to his seat.  His face was so red.  All of the other guys were giving him so much crap.  It was pretty funny.  But hey, I like cookies.  And cupcakes.  So I’m all on board with boys having mixers. 

And maybe once he has mixed up a batch of cookie dough he can learn how to use his oven, too.  It will be like a whole new world for him. 

B’s friend Ben was at the dinner too.  Ben is probably his closest friend, but I had never met him.  Ben and B see each other every day at work, but Ben doesn’t go out much because he is married and has a family, so he has never been around at the same time as me.  So it was nice to finally meet him.  He told me that he has heard so much about me.  It really made me wonder what B could possibly have told him about me.  I don’t get a lot of feedback directly from B, so it is hard to say what he would pass on about me.

Anyway, at one point someone at the table had asked me where I live, which is about 35 miles from the area where all these people work/live.  Ben then made some comments suggesting that he knew a REALLY GREAT place to live, and he was talking about B’s place.  I just kind of laughed it off, but seriously.  No.  B and I are definitely not ready to move in together.  Certainly not into his one-bedroom condo.     We need to find some happy medium between the once a week that we see each other now and living together 24 hours a day before that idea can even be considered.   

So I’m trying to write posts more frequently.  As a result, they may become a little boring (not exciting like they usually are!).   Sometimes I have a hard time coming up with stuff to say.  I have an even harder time imagining that anyone would want to spend time out of their lives reading my words.  But that was never the point for me anyway – I never assumed anyone would read my blog.  I started writing it just to.  So any readers I do have are a nice bonus.  :)

Oh, how I wish I could blame all these songs about rain

{ November 12, 2007 @ 4:52 am } · { dating, family, is it just me?, life, love, random thoughts, relationships, worries }
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I borrowed the title of this post from a song aptly entitled “Songs About Rain”.   Seemed to fit my morose mood.

So I talked to my mom today, and she told me that she is putting down our cats.  Well, they are really her cats, but they lived at home before I left for college, so I consider them partly mine.  Anyway, they have been urinating all over the place for a long, long time, and my mom is at her wits’ end.  I’m sad.  I just can’t stomach the idea of her chasing those poor unsuspecting cats down to get them in their carriers for the death march to the vet’s office.  I know it will be really hard for my mom, but I just wish she wouldn’t do it.  I cried about it all morning, and I’ve been in a funk all day.  I just sent my mom a list of links that discuss what you can do to stop cats from spraying or urinating around the house, pretty much begging her to at least give them a look before doing anything, and at the same time I’m praying that the cats miraculously stop peeing on the carpet for the next few days. 

So what did I do today to cheer myself up, you ask?  I went dress shopping – my very very favorite.  I still have to find a dress for my friend’s wedding on Saturday.  Dress shopping for me is something akin to that horrendous shot I got when I broke my foot – literally the worst pain of my life (ironically, even more pain than when I actually broke the foot and then walked on it for a week in Mexico).  I do not have a good dress body.  My boobs are too big (and not in a sexy way), my waist too short, my arms too flabby.  Now that I think about it, my dress shopping should probably be done when I’m already in a bad mood, because I’m definitely gonna be getting there eventually anyway. 

And then to top it all off, I went and had dinner by myself.  Which I do frequently enough, I guess.  But I’ve never become entirely at ease with it.  Sitting there trying to look like I’m enjoying my own company.  Trying to look busy while I’m sitting there doing nothing.  Smiling unnaturally.  The waiter/waitress speaking to me in too cheerful of a tone, me doing the same in return.

B doesn’t understand why I go out to eat alone.  He hates it, actually, says it makes him feel bad.  I’m hungry, I tell him, and I don’t want to cook and I don’t want to eat fast food.  It is as simple as that.  I want to enjoy a nice meal, just like the coupled folks.  I wouldn’t expect him to understand, since everywhere he goes in the town he lives in is like “Cheers”, where everybody knows your name.    And they are always glad he came.  My existence is not like that.

Right now I’m watching Planet Earth.  It’s the jungle one, where all the male birds of paradise put on their show in an attempt to find a mate.  Pretty impressive, I have to say.  And on another day, I would probably say, yes, that’s right.  Make the males work it to find a worthy female to mate with.  Today it made me feel a little sad for the birds.  One of them in particular would do his dance and then look around, trying to find a receptive mate.  I felt his pain.  How it stings to give it your best shot, showing all that you’ve got, only to have your prospective mates look you over and say, “[m]eh.  no thanks.”   Ouch.   

 Now, you’ll never find me doing any kind of dance to attract a mate (no need to actually LESSEN my chances), but I do know how it feels to dress yourself up and try to look pretty, just aching for someone to find you irresistible, only to go home lonely and defeated once again.   Pull in your feathers, hang your head and slink away. 

*sigh*

Time for bed.  Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow my black mood will have vanished.  But on a Monday?   Doubt it.

Random

{ November 10, 2007 @ 6:56 pm } · { random thoughts }
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So a man from the local grocery store just called me and asked if I was at the store earlier asking looking for a blow-up turkey.

“Huh?” I said.  I was thinking that someone had stolen my identity (and good luck to you with that).  I said, “was I looking for a what?”  He said a blow-up turkey.  I told him I don’t know what the hell that means.  He said ok, obviously it wasn’t you.   He had a woman with my same last name come into the store looking for one of the blow-up turkeys, but they were out of them.  Subsequently they found one, so they were trying to find her by going through the phone book and calling everyone with my (fairly common) last name. 

Ok.  No, I’m not going to need any blow-up turkeys this year.  But thanks for asking.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker

{ November 9, 2007 @ 2:13 am } · { These people are killing me, dating, friends, online dating, sex }
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So today I was chatting with my friend, ManWhore.  I told him that I have this “friend” on myspace, a girl I knew in high school.  I haven’t seen or heard from her since high school, and when I first saw her myspace page, I was shocked by the blogs she writes.  They are all very naughty – highly explicit stories about her sex life.  She talks about anal sex, the length and girth of her booty call’s package, her skills in the oral area, and  she uses the nastiest words possible to describe such things. 

I’m not saying I don’t enjoy reading her blogs, but I was just surprised that she would post them for all the world (including her friends and family) to see.  I mean, blogging about that stuff anonymously is one thing, but owning up to this stuff in front of everyone you know is quite another. 

Anyway, so I was telling him about the blogs, and he decided, quite quickly, that he wanted to read them for himself.  He got all excited, told me it “made his day”.  Then he sent her a message telling her that he found her blogs very entertaining, because, of course, this is someone he wants to know.

Aahhh, ManWhore found his soulmate.  A girl who likes (or at least tolerates, if you do it right) anal, whose “specialty” is going down, and apparently isn’t too discriminating about her partners.  Oh, the satisfaction of bringing two slutty people together.  Should be one great night.  Makes me feel warm and fuzzy.  But kinda makes me itch too, like when you hear about a child having lice, adn all the sudden your head itches.  Yeah, kinda like that, what with all the potential diseases floating between the two of them.

Yikes.

Love me, love my friends

{ November 6, 2007 @ 4:48 am } · { dating, friends, life, love, neuroses, random thoughts, relationships }
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So in two weeks one of my best friends is getting married back home.  I’m taking B with me, and I’m very nervous about it.  My friends have been dying to meet B for a long time now, and I have been stubbornly holding off.  Pretty easily, actually, considering that they live over 2 hours away.  So, like the genius that I am, I waited until the exact moment when virtually everyone I’ve ever known (outside of my family) will all be in the same room.  Nothing like easing in. 

I can’t really articulate why I’m so nervous about it.  Some girls introduce their friends/family to a guy on their second date.  I wish I was that girl, so it wouldn’t be a big deal.  Unfortunately, I’m not that girl.  I’m the girl who not only hasn’t had a boyfriend since high school (read:  11 years ago) –  I’ve barely had so much as a date.  I’ve been to wedding after wedding after wedding, not once have I brought a date to them.  Not even a girlfriend or a cousin.  I’m the girl who perpetually flies solo, and, shamefully, the one whose friends will call her name on the microphone when she doesn’t get out on the dance floor for the bouquet toss.  Oh, the horror to be the only big girl amongst the children in that little ritual that could only have been designed to humiliate those who are already unfortunate enough not to have found “The One”. 

I digress.  The point is, for me to have a boyfriend is a monumentally big deal, and it (and he) have been the subject of much speculation.  I’ve been the cliche bridesmaid more times than I care to count, and what I hate about it is the feeling that everyone is looking at me (self-involved much?).  This feels even worse than that.  I guess I’m worried about being judged.  My life has always been so plain, and by the book, and while it hasn’t been above reproach, it certainly hasn’t been anything to talk about.  I got used to it being that way.

Anyhow, so I was talking to my friend Nicole, and she said I should probably warn B about her husband, Jesse.   I said, are you kidding me, I have to warn B about all of you.  They all have their quirks.  Of course, it the quirks that I absolutely adore about them, but I just want to prepare B.  So I’m picturing B and I spending the 2.5 hour drive home with me giving him a crash course on my friends, complete with pictures. 

“So don’t be surprised if Jesse tries to get me to go back to his and Nicole’s room with him for a threesome.  He has been after me for years.  And he is not shy about his appreciation for my breasts.  Oh, and neither is Nicole.  She has been known to grab them on occasion or rub hers up against mine (although less so since she had the reduction surgery).  And she’s also famous for asking seriously inappropriate questions to a large group at the dinner table.  ‘Have any of you ever tried anal sex?  Jesse and I tried it and it just made me feel like I had to poop.’  And this here is Angela.  Don’t be surprised if she asks you when you are going to marry me, and discusses with you the 4 Cs of buying a wedding ring.  She’ll probably tell you that we aren’t getting any younger, and that we should start trying to have babies (she has 4) right away.  I’ll try to head her off when I see that coming, because believe me, it will come.  And Angela’s husband, Michael?  Yeah, if he says anything about what it means to ’pull a [Jem]‘, don’t be alarmed.  It is an undeserved reputation that I have developed……”

Yikes.  And that is only a few of them. 

On the other hand, he will have no choice but to fall madly in love with me when he sees Angela and I do our signature dance together- the polka.  Dead sexy. 

I could not love someone who didn’t love my girlfriends.  I was telling my friend that the other day, and she said, oh, that’s sweet, thanks.  But I didn’t mean it in a sticking-up-for-my-friends kind of way.  I just meant that we are so much a part of each other, and our personalities so much of a blend, that I cannot imagine being able to appreciate me but not my friends.  We are all very different people, of course.  But we grew up together, developed our senses of humor at the same time, developed our personalities.  If you took the pieces of each of them out of me, I wonder what would be left. 

But no pressure, B.  :)

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