Archive for January, 2008

Romance and Vomit

{ January 28, 2008 @ 4:25 am } · { dating, indoor sports, life, love, relationships, sex }
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So it has now been a year since my first date with B.  We didn’t make any big deal about it being an “anniversary” or anything, but to commemorate the occasion, we went back to the restaurant where we first met.  It was a nice change of pace, because we tend to only go to a few restaurants that are very near B’s house.  And as we talked, I found that he remembered a lot of details from our first date – what I wearing, what we both had to eat, etc.  I don’t always think he is paying attention to such details, so it made me happy that he would remember stuff like that. 

After dinner we went to the bar (where we always go).  He knows all of the people working there, and most of the people who go there.  And, by extension, I know a lot of them now, too.  Everything was going fine, and I was drinking the same drinks I always get, but I started feeling a little queasy.  My belly hurt.  And I started sweating.   I knew then that things were not going to end well.  Soon I found myself running to the bathroom where I promptly tossed my cookies.  All over the place.  Why hello, Bloody Mary.  You look the same coming as going.    Yikes. 

Mercifully, nobody else was in the restroom at the time (it is a TINY bathroom with two little stalls and standing room for one person).  So I was trying to clean up the mess I made (considering that if I didn’t, whoever had to clean it up at the end of the night is someone who is good friends with B and someone I will see next week and the week after that, etc.).  But, oh, that was not the end of the fun.  Everything that was left in my stomach then came out the other end just as rapidly.  Yep.  As much as I detest discussing, well…pooping, on my blog (or elsewhere), I hate even more doing so in a public place (or really anyplace other than my house).  So just about the time that tiny bathroom was thoroughly molested by me and my (not normally) weak stomach, B sent in Caitlyn, one of the bartenders, to make sure I was ok.  Needless to say, I was more than a little embarassed.   Nothing too ladylike about smelling up the bathroom.

I think it will be a good while before I am ready to have another Bloody Mary, which is a shame because Todd, the bartender, makes a damn good one and he always gives me a lot of extra olives. 

Oh, and I don’t know what made me sick, but I think it was karma biting me in the ass as last week I made a lot of fun of my friend LG when she threw up in the driveway of her house.  Yeah, turns out we’re both pretty cool. 

Anyway, after that little episode I felt perfectly fine, so when B and I got home, I was ready (after some toothpaste and mouthwash, of course) for some indoor fun.  He told me he had a sexy surprise for me, but he said it was a little weird and he wasn’t sure how I would react.  I consider myself fairly open-minded when it comes to sex, but he did make me  little nervous.    But it was not weird at all, it was actually very thoughtful and was…mmmmmm….very wonderful.  That’s all I’m going to say about that.  :)

No more whining (for today)

{ January 23, 2008 @ 1:43 am } · { dating, is it just me?, life, neuroses, random thoughts, relationships, what am I doing with my life?, worries }
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Ok, dear readers, you will be glad to know that I’ve taken a break from the whining.  I can’t promise it will last long, as I do have a tendency toward whining.  Sometimes I don’t even when I’m doing it.  My dad has a video from our family trip to DC when I was in about second grade, and I hate to watch it because even when you can’t see me on the screen, you can hear me whining.  And when I was in high school, my history teacher would always say, “would you like some cheese with that whine, J?”  Asshole.  I like to pretend I’m better now, but there is a very strong likelihood that I’m not. 

Anyway.

I called up B after I wrote the last post, blubbering like a fool about how I’m not sure I’m good enough for him.  I felt sorry for him – he had no idea what I was talking about, considering we had just talked about 30 minutes prior and I had been fine.    I told him that he is so responsible, and I am not.  He said, well, but different personalities complement each other.  He said, “I’m responsible, and you’re….”.  Irresponsible, I finished for him.  Which I’m not sure is a good complement to any personality trait.  Which of course is not what he meant, but I, like most women (right??), like to put words in my man’s mouth. 

Anyway, it is never fun to have a witness to our weaker and possibly irrational moments, but ultimately I think one needs to open up to the person they are with.  So in the interest of full disclosure, I think it is probably better for B to know I have these worries and crazy moments.  And he’s so cute.  When we hung up, he kept asking with his best soft voice if I was going to be ok, and he texted me the next day to ask if I was feeling better.  I think B has a lot to learn about women – he doesn’t understand that we have these moments and they leave as quickly as they come. 

So, onward and upward.  Well, onward anyway. 

Wallowing

{ January 21, 2008 @ 4:07 am } · { aging, dating, goals, is it just me?, life, neuroses, random thoughts, what am I doing with my life?, worries }
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I’m still in a funk. 

I had a dream on Friday night.  B and I were (inexplicably) at a street fair in Cincinnati.  We don’t live anywhere near Cincinnati.  But anyway, there were hoards of people, and somehow we got separated.  I don’t remember how, but I do remember it was his fault.  So I looked around for him for a while, and then I called him and asked him where he was, but before he could answer, my cell phone battery went dead.  So I kept walking around and around and around trying to find him – for hours.  I was crying and was really frustrated, and I couldn’t even borrow a stranger’s phone to call him because I don’t even know his number (the hazard of never actually dialing phone numbers anymore).   I woke up without having found him and I was actually crying in my sleep. 

So who cares about dreams, right?  But when I woke up, I could hear B’s voice in my head saying, in that I’m-talking-to-a-child” voice, “well, you should have charged your phone last night”.

 So when I think about getting more serious with B, I start to feel a little panicked.  What it boils down to is that I’m not sure I bring enough to the table. 

 I am not quite the responsible citizen that B is:  I don’t charge my cell phone every night, I don’t go to the mechanic as soon as my “service engine soon” light comes on, I almost always let my gas tank get to “E” before I go to fill up, I don’t go to the dentist every 6 months, I don’t have life, renter’s, or dental insurance, I don’t clean my bathroom every Thursday, and I don’t have a 401(k).  The list goes on and on. 

Furthermore, I have no money or assets to speak of.  In fact, I come with student loan debt somewhere in the six figures, and a credit score that is less than perfect. 

I guess I’m not sure why someone would want to be with me, outside of just some good times.  I mean, really be with me, share a life and responsibilities with me.  I still feel like a child in that regard, and I thought I’d be smarter by the time I got to this age. 

*Sigh*

Thirty something…

{ January 18, 2008 @ 3:21 am } · { aging, goals, is it just me?, life, neuroses, random thoughts, what am I doing with my life?, work, worries }
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So today my friend asked me how I feel about turning 30 in a month.  My mood went from cheerful to depressed in about 10 seconds flat. 

Not great, that’s how I feel.  Like I’m still perpetually behind the eight ball.   Which seemed ok, I guess, during my twenties (not that I liked it).   I look around to see what I have to show for my nearly 30 years, and what I find, folks?  It ain’t much.     

I didn’t make enough of my twenties.  I spent too much time being self-conscious and not enough time enjoying life.  Too much time playing bit parts in the lives of others and too little time making something of my own life.  Too much time in my head and not enough time out in the world – meeting new people, breathing in the fresh air and lifting my face to the sun.    And I didn’t appreciate my beautiful youthful skin the way I should have – the way I would now if I had it back.  Regrettably, I allowed those years to just pass by me.  Those years are coming to a close and I’ve only just begun to enjoy them.

 I don’t mean to be all melodramatic, like 30 is so old or that the end of my life is closing in (although one never knows).

It’s just…..not only am I not where I thought I would be when I was 30, I’m not where I realistically should be.  When one is 15 or 20, you have an idea of where you should be at 30, but I don’t know how realistic it really is.  I’ve been out of school for almost 5 years now, but I still feel like a student.  For that matter, I still live like a student.  I still live in the same small apartment, still drive the same car, I’m not married, I don’t have children – my life is still all about me.  The only thing different is that my parents no longer support me (regrettably) and now I actually have to pay my student loans instead of just taking them out (DEFINITELY regrettable).   I just haven’t come far enough.  It has been years since my friends all passed certain milestones (getting married, having children, buying homes), and I feel like I am not any closer to any of that than I ever have been. 

I am the most educated person I know (outside of my step-father), and the least wealthy.  I have all the tools I need, I just have been too lazy about getting ahead in the world.

*Sigh*

Clearly I’m just having a pity party wherein I lament all the things I do not have.  Allow me a moment please.  In my heart I know that I have more than 90% of the world’s population.  It is just easy to lose perspective because I don’t know that 90% of the population.  I guess I need to do some volunteering and spend more time doing something with/for those who are less privileged.  Although my work is pretty much entirely with people who are down on their luck in some way.  And to think those people turn to me for advice and assistance.  Ha!

Anyway.

Oh, and I was reading the local bar association newspaper, and I read through the obituaries, and then I started to notice that most of the deceased people were either in their 50s or 60s.  I’m not thinking the law profession is a good place to be if one is looking to live a long life.  Yikes.

This 30 stuff is messing with my head.

A Hairy Situation

{ January 14, 2008 @ 4:24 am } · { is it just me?, random thoughts, unattractive }
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I was inspired to write this post after reading a post by MollyElizabeth regarding her new-found talent of hairwaxing. 

What do we think about hairy men, readers??

I was always grossed out by seriously hairy men.  I would see men at the pool virtually covered in dark hair, like some kind of modern day wooly mammouth man.     I would look away, gagging a little in my mouth, reluctant to reenter the water lest some of that hair float up on me (as though that is the worst thing one can encounter at a public pool).   Even now I shudder just thinking about it.   And what is almost worse?  How men can have weird patches of hair pretty much everywhere.  I’ve seen men who aren’t overly hairy in general, but might have a random patch of hair on the side of his back or elsewhere.  For some reason that really creeps me out.

 So I started dating B, and the first few times we fooled around a little, he always kept his shirt on.  The first night I stayed the night with him, he finally took off his shirt, and as I reached over to him in the dark, I felt, well, hair.  Hair covering his back, his chest, and yes, even his shoulders.  Fuzzy little hair.  I silently screamed in my head – I was so completely blindsided.  It hadn’t even occurred to me that he might be totally hairy – I always thought that was reserved for black-haired men, not my light brown-haired B. 

But, then I got over it.  Fairly quickly even.   It’s hair.  So I can now touch that fuzzy hair on his shoulders just as easily as I can touch the hair on his head, although he does keep his shirt on most of the time.  But seriously, thank heavens he doesn’t have LONG black hair covering his body like one man I always see at the pool.  Love or no love, that crap is gross. 

On a completely unrelated note – SF, can’t you do something to end this writers’ strike??  I’m going to be pretty pissed off when Thursday rolls around and there is no new Grey’s Anatomy episode.   My only saving grace is that Lost will be coming back on, and considering they skipped the entire fall season, they do have a number of episodes already written. 

Ok, I have to go now and mentally prepare myself for the beginning of another new week.  *Sigh*     

Pain in the ass…..

{ January 10, 2008 @ 2:58 am } · { clothing, dating, random thoughts, size, unattractive, worries }
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Two posts in one day.  This is a personal record for me. 

So in addition to the very very lovely crocs that B bought me for Christmas (oh, and Jess, I saw you making fun of my crocs on Kara’s comments – come on now, don’t hate just because I have beautiful shoes :) ), he also gave me some panties from Victoria’s Secret.  And alas, I have figured out what Victoria’s Secret actually is – she caters only to very small girls.  A club to which I very regrettably do not belong. 

And, so, while it makes me a little nauseous to tell you, dear internets, my panty size, I will do so for the sake of this story.  B asked me a while back for my sizes (which I reluctantly told him), my underwear size being one of them.  I told him  a size large/7.  Yes, I know, this is not a small butt.  Yes, a large butt with an inexplicably flat shape.  The best of both worlds, no?  But anyway, it is what it is. 

So, what I’ve learned is this:  a large/7  granny-panty that one buys at, say, Kohl’s, is not the same size as a cute little (but thankfully not thong) panty that one buys at VS.  I cannot imagine B holding up one of those little panties at VS and possibly thinking it might fit my butt.  However, bless his heart, he went ahead (probably for the sake of our relationship) and bought the L/7 panties. 

So I brought them home and thought I would just go exchange them for an XL and he would never know.  Wrong.  Vickie’s doesn’t carry an XL in this particular line.  Bitches!!  And yes, I could probably just exchange them for some other panties at VS that would work, but I wanted to get the same exact ones so that he wouldn’t notice, and I wouldn’t have to explain to him how I had to go back and exchange them for some panties that came in EXTRA LARGE.  And so it is that I am stuck with the L.  Most of them will be ok, although half of my ass will probably be hanging out.  It is really only one pair that would just be completely ridiculous, so I’ll avoid those. 

Being a woman is fun, no?  Oh, and Victoria, I’ll let you in on a secret……some of us ladies are a little more…um…shapely than others.  And while you, me, and perhaps most of the free world would rather not see me in a skimpy pair of sexy panties, my boyfriend does.  Big girls need panties too.  Help a sister out.   

The Fog has Lifted

{ January 10, 2008 @ 2:28 am } · { dating, friends, love, random thoughts, relationships }
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The fog in my head, that is.  For the most part anyway.  I’m finally back at work today (and already wasting time writing a post). 

Thank you, ladies (Kara, SF, Jess) for the comments to my last post.  I’m not the kind of girl who talks about feelings in person (at least not the good kind), so I would have felt a little lame calling up my girlfriends and saying, guess what?  I think B finally likes me.  M said he was crazy about me.  That kind of thing makes me feel weird.  I have never being that comfortable being on either end of the “that is soooo sweet” conversation.  On the other hand, if B said/did something wrong or something I thought was funny, I would have no problem passing that along.  Anyhow, so it is easier to write thing than to say them, and it is nice to have blogfriends who will get excited with me, and I can maintain my cool exterior (which I’m pretty sure is all in my head anyway) to the outside world. 

Oh, I finally asked B about his dating history.  I have been meaning to talk to him about that for about 6 months.  Turns out to be much ado about nothing.  Although B has more dating experience than I do, and let’s be honest – it would be hard not to, there hasn’t been much of length or significance.  And he told me that he has never before introduced a girl to his family.    So that made me feel important to him. 

In her comment to my last post, Jess said it seems like B is growing on me.  He is.  He has been for a long time.  Is it okay for relationships to evolve that way?  Sometimes I worry because he and I did not click instantly (at least for me).  But now?  I love that boy.  I do.  But I have been unable to tell him that.    Soon though, I think.  It has been on the tip of my tongue for some time now.

So I went back through my pda and my old emails to figure out when my first date with B was, and it will be a year ago in about 2 weeks.  I think I’m going to make reservations at the restaurant that we first met at, and surprise him.  Maybe I’ll even buy some sexy lingerie for later.  I don’t want to make it all “one year anniversary” dinnery, but just something nice and simple to mark the passage of time and the growth of our relationship.  Plus he ALWAYS plans our dates, so it will be nice for me to plan something for a change. 

Happy hump day!

Miserable Monday

{ January 8, 2008 @ 4:32 am } · { dating, friends, love, random thoughts, relationships }
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Sick today.  Ugh.  What started out as a cold over the weekend reared its ugly head this morning with a sore throat, earache and vomiting.  So I’m pretty miserable.  And I’m not hungry, but my brain is craving something really yummy — like pizza or chinese food.  Mmmmm.  But probably not a good idea for my uneasy stomach.  So I had to settle for an apple.    

I’m kind of sad the holidays are over.   Now it is back to real life, working full time.  I was really enjoying getting to spend more time with B.  I was getting to see him every couple of days instead of once a week.  And I got to spend longer periods of time with him too.  So now it kind of sucks to be back to once a week.

Anyway, I went to B’s on Saturday night.  We went to see a movie, and then went to a dinner at a new steakhouse in town, and then out to the bar.  When we were at the bar, B’s friend, M, talked to me most of the time.  M was drunk, and I was closer thereto than I have ever been (what, you aren’t supposed to mix drinks and cold meds??  Who knew.)

So at one point M said to me “you know this guy [B, of course] is crazy about you, right?”   And I told him that I wasn’t sure, and that B is a hard read.  He said, “Oh, come on.  You know he is.”  I don’t know.   I know it isn’t as good as straight from the horse’s mouth, but still……it made me feel good. 

Ok, so I hate to judge anyone who reads my blogs, especially those who take the time to comment, but……I just got a comment to one of my older posts from a guy that said he broke up with two girlfriends because of their hair.  One was a four year relationship and the other was a one year relationship.  Yikes!!!  I sincerely hope there were other reasons, and those decisions weren’t based entirely on the hair(s).  Kinda harsh, no?

Ok, time for some more meds. 

Beauty Is In the Eye of the Beholder (or not)

{ January 4, 2008 @ 4:19 am } · { dating, friends, goals, is it just me?, life, neuroses, random thoughts, relationships, worries }
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So I was all prepared to write a post about my resolutions/goals/dreams for the New Year.  My heart was full of goodwill and a “go get ‘em” attitude.  And then B emailed me the pictures from New Year’s Eve.  Ew.  I didn’t look so hot. 

I already felt kind of self-conscious about my appearance on New Year’s Eve.  The girls from the two other couples we were with are very cute, small girls.  We will call them Blond and Blonder.   They were wearing sexy (but not slutty) outfits.  Me?  I could stand to lose some poundage.  And I felt frumpy.  Like one of these things is not like the others. 

This is not a new feeling for me.  I’ve felt this way since I was in about the 8th grade.  And back then I definitely wasn’t overweight at all.  But somehow I often (and still) get consumed with feeling like the ugliest girl in the room. 

I know it shouldn’t matter.  I have other assets and positive attributes.  I know it is so very un-evolved of me to concern myself with such matters.  But nonetheless I am.

If that were it, I probably wouldn’t even have written this post.  But then I was talking to B about it.  I told him I always feel a little bit yucky (yes, I was using all my best words) when I am around Blond and Blonder.  And don’t get me wrong, they are both very nice girls.  I am slowly becoming friends with them.  Anyway, he asked me why I feel that way and I told him because they are very cute and shapely, and I feel gnarly and like an ogre next to them.  All he said was, “you shouldn’t worry about it.”  Sometimes I swear I must be the first woman this man has dated – he definitely doesn’t understand what response a woman is looking for when she goes on a fishing expedition.   The correct response seems obvious. 

I’m pretty sure he doesn’t think I’m cute.  I really hate that.  I know he likes something about me.  Honestly, I have no clue what, because he never says.  But I want him to think I’m pretty.  The last guy I dated (briefly), CityBoy, called me beautiful all the time.  I always sort of felt that it had more to do with his vocabulary with woman than it had to do with me personally, because whatever I am, I know it isn’t beautiful.   But still.  It made me feel good.  But B?  I can’t remember him ever commenting on my looks, other than to say that I look nice. 

Why do I care?  How can I date a guy that doesn’t think I’m pretty?  Should it even matter?  I hate even to publish this post, because it is so lame.  I’m probably setting the feminist movement back about 20 years worrying about (let alone putting into words) such matters. 

So I’ll write a post about resolutions later.  Clearly one of them is going to be to get my ass back to the gym.  But right now I’m too busy whining about “why doesn’t he think I’m pretty” to concern myself with what I can do to have a good year. 

I know I’m ridiculous.  And I’m on my inactive week with my pills again.  Hmmm.  I’m starting to sense a pattern here.

In With the New

{ January 3, 2008 @ 4:21 am } · { family, friends, goals, life, love, relationships, work }
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Hello Readers!  I have missed you.  It feels like forever since I have blogged.  It feels like forever since I had enough time to sit down and even think about blogging.  But I had to spend the first hour catching up on everyone else’s blogs.  It is amazing to me how caught up I get in the lives of strangers.  I think about you guys when away from my computer for an extended period of time.  And so it is that now, in my first real chance to be home since the 21st, that I am catching up with (and to) blogs when I should be putting away Christmas gifts, unpacking my bags, cleaning my fridge, doing laundry, and/or taking out the garbage. 

So another new year begins.  I don’t feel ready.  I feel like I need another week to catch up (see chores listed above), get organized, and close out 2007.  And yet 2008 is here, ready or not. 

My holidays were nice.  Got to spend a lot of time with family – always a good time since I don’t get to see any of them very often.  Also went to B’s family Christmas.  It went well.  It was a little awkward at first, but they really tried to include me in the conversation, so that definitely helped.  Told me stories about B as a child.  Cute.   

Of course, B hasn’t said anything about what his family thought about me.  He never talks about stuff like that, and I hate to fish for it.  But some feedback would be nice!   B and I exchanged gifts later that night.  He gave me a bunch of random stuff.  He did a good job using his imagination, since I didn’t give him any ideas of what to give me.  Most of the stuff was good, and all of it was thoughtful.

But he got me a pair of Crocs.  Yep.  With the logo of my favorite baseball team.  I’m not sure what it is that I have worn in the past that suggested to him that I might consider wearing Crocs.  I’m not even sure he has ever seen me wearing tennis shoes.  He gets annoyed that I am always wearing heels, regardless of the activity.  But I’m 5′2″.  Wearing flats doesn’t seem like an option, and if I do, my pants drag on the ground.    So anyway, the Crocs.  I’ve never understood them.  For the longest time I thought they were some kind of gardening shoe (?).  I think they are desperately homely.  I’m not sure I have it in me to actually wear them, other than, say, to take the garbage out or go get the mail. 

New Year’s Eve was fun too.  B and I went out with 2 other couples.  I’m starting to loosen up more around his friends, but still not fully myself.  Getting there, though.  I went to the restroom at some point that night and noticed I had a voicemail from one of my best friends.  Just hearing her voice wishing me a Happy New Year made me tear up.  I missed being with my girlfriends. 

But I had someone to kiss at midnight!  For the very first time in my (nearly 30 years of) life.  Mmmm.  That was wonderful.  Normally I just stand around when the clock strikes midnight, smile frozen on my face, waiting for everyone else to kiss their significant other, trying to go unnoticed.  But this year I looked forward to midnight. 

And I was able to spend a good amount of time with B over the last couple of days.  Just hanging around.  It was a good time.  But seriously, when the hell is football season going to end?  Enough already, I say. 

Back to work tomorrow.  I haven’t been to work since December 20th.  It has been so so nice to have all this time off, but I think I’m ready to get back to regular life.  Ready to get back to work, get organized (I know I left my office a mess in my rush to get out), and quit lazing the days away (although that has its good points too).  And with any luck the boss will be on vacation for a couple more weeks, so I’ll have a chance to get caught up on everything without him bothering me.   

I was going to write about New Years resolutions/goals, but I think I want a little more time to think about it, firm them up in my head, figure out what is possible, what is important, and what I really want.  So more on that later. 

Happy New Year internets!  I hope all of your dreams come true in 2008.   Make it happen.