Archive for June, 2008

I guess that’s why they call it the blues…

{ June 25, 2008 @ 4:32 am } · { dating, is it just me?, life, love, neuroses, relationships, unattractive }
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SF (and Elton John)- thanks for the title.  Didn’t mean to steal it from you, but it fit. 

Kinda blue today.

I don’t know why, specifically.  A combination of not feeling all that well and stress at work.

But whenever I’m in this kind of mood, I tend to take it out on my relationship with B.  All of my negative feelings surface and I focus on them.

I need this boy to love me in a way that I don’t think he does.  I want him to be captivated by my words, find me beautiful, think that I’m brilliant and funny, basically adore me and be proud to be with me. 

Ok, so maybe that’s a little bit too much.  I’m a real person with real flaws, and I don’t expect them to go unnoticed.  But at the very least, I would like him to, no, I need him to be interested in what I’m talking about, engage in conversation with me, understand my sense of humor, and in general, be happy to be with me.  I don’t mind conflict or argument (I am an attorney, for Pete’s sake, so I can handle it), and I think you need to have some conflict in your relationship so that wants and needs can be more defined and understood.

It’s not that B isn’t a good boyfriend.  He is.  He treats me very respectfully, and he would do anything for me.  But I don’t always think he gets me.  Sometimes I feel like I’m just someone for him to be with.  Like his love for me has nothing to do with me personally.  I would be afraid to ask him what it is that he likes/loves about me, because I’m very nervous that he wouldn’t be able to come up with an answer. 

Part of the problem is that it is not his nature to really discuss his feelings.  I asked him about a month ago about affection in his family.  Basically what he told me is that there is none.  His parents never showed him physical affection or told him that they loved him.  They are nice people, and certainly do love their family (and he knows that), but like a lot of people, it just isn’t their way to openly express it. 

My family is not entirely different.  My dad is affectionate, my mom isn’t.  My relationship with her doesn’t suffer for it – we are very close.  And she is better now than she used to be, but she isn’t a huggy,  PTA type of mother.  My dad on the other hand (as well as his extended family) is affectionate.  He liked to hug me as a child, and hold my hand and tuck me in at night. 

So as B and I had this conversation, he said, “oh, so you are more like your dad.”  And I had never really thought of myself that way.  Because affection is not that easy for me to give in a romantic relationship.  I have to get it before I can get it.  The more comfortable I am, the easier it is, but I don’t jump into a relationship quickly, physically or emotionally.   And B is reasonably phsyically affectionate.  It comes in waves.  He was definitely more affectionate at the beginning our of relationship than he is now.    And so I’ve become fairly affectionate with him, and now I do a lot more touching than he does.

Anyway, I got off track there.  Anyway, I know that just because B doesn’t express his feeling for me doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have them.  Of course, he tells me that he loves me.  But in a more perfunctory way, at certain times, like when I’m leaving.  Not in a “I’m really feeling it right now” kind of way.  And that is ok, I don’t necessarily need him saying the words all the time.  But I need to feel it somehow.  We have moments when I feel it.  But I’m not sure it all adds up to enough. 

I need to know that there are specific things that he likes about me.  I need to know that he finds me attractive.  I need to know that he wants to be with me, that he misses me when we are apart all week every week.  I need our phone conversations during the week to be at least a little more than just a recitation of our days.  I hate to fish for compliments.  I find it humiliating to ask if he finds me attractive, if he misses me, to make a joke about him finding me charming.   But I do it, because sometimes I need to hear it.  But when I do fish for it?  Still NOTHING. 

For example, here is an exchange we had tonight.  And believe me, I’m embarrassed even to write this.  But anyway:

Me:  I still haven’t taken my dress (for a wedding this weekend) in to get hemmed yet.  I definitely need to do that tomorrow.

B:  Why didn’t you do that today?

Me:   Well, just because when I came home from work I wasn’t feeling well, so I took a nap, and just didn’t end up to getting around to it.  Plus, I feel self-conscious when I have to put on a dress for the tailor to pin up.  I’m always worried they are thinking that I shouldn’t be wearing this dress.  I know that is stupid, considering I’ll be wearing the dress in public on Saturday, but I can’t help it.

B:  I’m sure they’ve seen everything.

Me:  I know.  But I don’t want them to put me in that same category:  gnarly people they have to deal with.

B:  I’m sure its fine.

Me:  Do you think I’m gnarly?

B:  No.

Me:…..do you think I’m cute?

B:  Yeah (in an unconvincing tone of voice).

Now, mind you, I know my part of that conversation was nothing to brag about.  I’m not saying that I don’t have my issues.   But seriously, the best compliment I ever get from him is “you look nice”.  And that doesn’t come very often, believe me.

I truly don’t think I’m needy.  I don’t need him to hang all over me, I don’t need him to shower me with compliments.  But I need SOMETHING.  Anything, really.  Some spark of life, some indication that I mean something to him. 

I know that he loves me in some sense.  I know that he sees me in his future.   We’ve made vacations plans, he’s talked about us moving in together at some point, things like that.  But I need to be more than just a person to be with. 

I know, I need, I need, I need.  I don’t mean to make it sound like the relationship is all about me.  But my blog is.   And honestly, if he needs something from me that I’m not giving, I would be happy to hear it, really.  I would honestly be happy that he gives our relationship some thought, as well as thinking about what he is looking for.  I don’t want to be unreasonable.  And having very little experience with relationships, I just don’t know.  What is reasonable and what isn’t?  I know relationships have ups and downs and everything is not all candlelight and roses and grand gestures of love.  Like I said, I know still waters run deep.  And I understand that not everyone expresses their feelings very freely and openly.  I certainly don’t.  But I gotta have something. 

Ignore me.  I’m just in a mood.

Girls, Girls, Girls

{ June 16, 2008 @ 7:42 pm } · { friends }
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So this weekend I took a little trip to my hometown to visit with my girlfriends.  One of my friends had planned a girl’s night out, and has been waiting for me to be able to come home so we could all go see “Sex and the City” together. 

We had such a great time.  We ended up with a group of five of us, and we went to dinner, to the movie, and then out for dessert and drinks.  I just love these girls SO MUCH.  They are just the best and the most fun, and whenever we get together we just laugh nonstop.  I so wish they lived closer to me.  But sadly, my efforts at recruiting them to the Chicago area have been unsuccessful.  Probably because back home they can buy a beautiful and large house for 200K whereas here that amount of money would get you only a tiny condo. 

As is usually the case when I get together with my girlfriends, the conversation at dinner very quickly descended into such topics as:  bikini line shaving and shaping methods, my friend Nicole’s silver bullet and her use thereof, and sexual positions (including 3D demonstrations using fingers in the place of legs to explain the positioning to those who are a little slower on the uptake, like myself). 

I really do love them, in all their quirky glory. 

The evening ended on the perfect note, with my friend Little T pulling down her pants from the back seat of the car that I was in with my other friend Linds, and pushing her entire bare ass out the window for the other two, who were walking to their cars.  While I would never show my bare ass to the free world, I was suitably impressed  that she could get her butt up high enough to stick out the window and that the entire thing fit out the window.  I’m not sure mine could do the same.

Anyway, the weekend left me feeling happy, refreshed and loved.  I really do need to find some girlfriends here.  I just haven’t yet managed to connect with anyone new on that level.

Happy Monday!

Batting A Thousand

{ June 12, 2008 @ 3:08 am } · { baseball, dating, love, neuroses, relationships, worries }
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So B called me after work tonight.  He was on his way to go out, I was out at the mall.  We were just chatting, and he was telling me that they (see my previous post) had a good time at the game.  And he was telling me how bad traffic was and how long it took them to get there.  Great, I thought, more time spent together.

So in my typical perfect-timing fashion, I told him that it makes me a little uncomfortable when he hangs out with other women alone. 

Silence.

“Rebecca is my co-worker,” he tells me, with the slightest touch of irritation and defensiveness.

“And yet……she is still woman, no?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Listen, I’m not saying that you can’t hang out with her or other women, I’m just saying it makes me a little uncomfortable, especially when it is a girl I don’t know.”

“But you’ve met Rebecca.”

“I know, but I don’t know her.  The only things I know about her is that she is newly divorced and she saw your man parts at the Christmas Party.”

So then he proceeds to tell me about her – about the work she does, and how his friend M fixed up her townhouse when her husband moved out, and how she has had a really bad year.  In addition to the her divorce, her 28 year old cousin passed away from a brain tumor, and her aunt passed away also from cancer about a year later.  So she is going through a rough time.

So, yeah, I’m an asshole.  A selfish paranoid asshole.  Here I am begrudging this poor girl a good time out with my boyfriend. 

But really, all I was thinking was that all of the facts that he was giving me about Rebecca are not the kind of things I need to know in order to feel comfortable with them being alone together.  

But after that I just let it drop because like I said, I wasn’t trying to say that he shouldn’t have women friends (although I would be happier if he didn’t have SINGLE women friends that he hang out with alone).  I suppose there was no point in even telling him that it bothered me a little, but what can I say, sometimes I like to hear myself talk.   Sometimes I even like to hear myself whine.  Kinda like right now.

Ok, I’m done.  Oh, and Kara, SF, and RWG?   Thanks for the comments on my last post.  It always helps to get input from others so that I know I’m not totally nuts/paranoid and what might be an adult way to handle the situation. 

Getting to Second Base Redux

{ June 11, 2008 @ 4:58 am } · { baseball, dating, love, neuroses, relationships, worries }
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So tonight my boy is on a date with another woman. 

Ok, so technically it isn’t a date.  He’s at a baseball game with a girl from work.  We’ll call her Rebecca.  Anyway, last night I was talking to him and he mentioned that he was going to a game tonight.  I expressed suprise, I wasn’t aware he had a game tonight.  He said, yes, I told you that.  I said, well, who is going with you?  And he told me Rebecca.  Oh, I said.  Yes, I’m very articulate. 

It bugs me a little bit.  Don’t get me wrong, I trust B.  I do.  I truly don’t think he would ever cheat on me.  But there is one little tiny part of my brain that says, “you never know….”  And it’s not even so much that I worry he would cheat on me so much as I worry that he might enjoy spending time with another girl more, and ditch me somewhere down the line.  I know this is ridiculous.

Mostly the problem is that I don’t really know Rebecca that well.  Here’s what I know so far:  she is newly divorced and she saw B’s weenus at the office Christmas party.  I exaggerate a little- she just walked in on him in the men’s restroom.  It was a story that I didn’t find particularly amusing at the time, and I don’t now.  Anyway, the point is that there is so much I don’t know, such as what exactly is their relationship and if she has any romantic interest in my man.  And, she gets to see him everyday, and I don’t.  He has this whole life that I’m not a part of, and so I think in many respects the people he works with and his friends know him much better than I do.

I had this same issue last year when B went to a game with another girl, Katherine (I’d link to that post if I weren’t too lazy to find it).  If he went to a game alone with Katherine now, I wouldn’t care at all because I know her a lot better now.    If it is a girl he is friends with that he knew before me (which is pretty much everyone), then I assume they would have gotten together before I entered the picture if they wanted to.  But Rebecca was married before, so this is a little different.

Anyway, it really is no big deal, but it is bugging me a little bit.  But my problem is this – I could talk to him about it, but what result am I looking for?  I don’t necessarily mean to say that he shouldn’t go to a baseball game with Rebecca (or any other woman for that matter).  I certainly don’t mean to say that he isn’t allowed to have female friends.   I definitely don’t want to be that girl.  So I don’t know.  I’ll probably be over it by the time I talk to him, but I might just tell him it sketches me out a bit and leave it at that. 

But I still don’t know (a la “When Harry Met Sally”) if women and men can ever be just friends.  Is there always some sexual tension from one side or the other?  I don’t have any male friends that I hang out with alone.  All of my guy friends are the husbands of my girl friends.  I have ManWhore, but he doesn’t live around here, so I don’t ever see him.  And if we did hang out, he would forever be trying to get into my pants. 

Anyway, good night.

On My Nightstand

{ June 10, 2008 @ 4:40 am } · { blogger participation, books }
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So today Kara asked for blogger participation, and her request was that we all take a picture of something in our environment and post it on our own blog.  I am happy to participate, because as anyone who attempts to read me frequently knows, I have been struggling for content. 

So Kara posted a picture of the contents of her bag.  I decided that would not be an appropriate picture for me, because I could not fit the contents of my bag in one frame.  Here’s a picture of my bag:

Trust me, one does not want to look in there.  It’s like the Bermuda Triangle of bags - things go in, sometimes never to be seen again.

Anyway, so I decided to take a picture of the book stack on my nightstand.  I am an avid reader, and I’ll read pretty much anything.  My stack isn’t that big right now.  It is about time to take another trip to Borders.

 

So let’s see what you’ve got, dear readers!

Cohabitation?

{ June 5, 2008 @ 4:35 am } · { dating, is it just me?, life, love, neuroses, random thoughts, relationships }
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After my last post, several of you dear readers asked me what I think about the possibility of moving in with B.

My feelings on the subject are somewhat mixed at this point.

On the pro side? Well, first and foremost, we would get to be together a lot more. We would be more intimate, more honest, more real, and learn a lot of things about each other that we don’t already know. Our lives would be more together, and not so clearly his life and my life. And that would be great. I want to be able to share myself with someone, with B. My life for so long has been just about me.

Some of those things fall on the con side as well. I guess I’m afraid to be that completely intimate and open. Of course, I’m always myself when I’m around B and try to be honest about everything. But still, the times that we share right now are easy and carefree. We don’t share any responsibilities.

When I think about the fact that there are a lot of things I don’t know about him and a lot of things he doesn’t know about me, it makes me very nervous. And not really because of the things I don’t know about him, but mostly because of the things he doesn’t know about me. It’s nothing I could say in so many words, nothing specifically I have been keeping from him, but I just don’t think I’m a picnic to live with.

I’m a slob. But I always clean before he comes over here, so he doesn’t really know that.

Also? I’ve been living completely alone for 8 years. I’ve gotten used to it. I like it. I can do what I want when I want, or nothing at all if I so choose. I can leave the dishes in the sink for tomorrow if I want to. I can sit around in various states of undress. I can watch what I want to watch on tv, I can eat what I want and when I want, I can go to bed as early or late as I want, and I can wake up as early or late as I want. My money is my money and my debts are my debts.

Geez, selfish much? I know, I know. And like I said earlier – I never intended my whole life to be entirely and wholly about ME.

So anyway, despite the fact that I just spent about 5 paragraphs being all negative about it, if everything fell into place (or rather we made everything fall into place), I would probably move in with him. Because otherwise, what am I doing? Things will never really progress past a certain point with this relationship if I don’t. I’m sure it would be great, but I’m just a cautious person by nature, and I have trouble making even the smallest decisions. I’m so afraid of making mistakes. So that decision would be a big one for me.

I guess I had always pictured me moving up BY him at some point (but still in my own place) and easing into it a little more. Who knows. It just depends on timing and any number of other factors.

Later!