Beautiful Mess

SF (and Elton John)- thanks for the title.  Didn’t mean to steal it from you, but it fit. 

Kinda blue today.

I don’t know why, specifically.  A combination of not feeling all that well and stress at work.

But whenever I’m in this kind of mood, I tend to take it out on my relationship with B.  All of my negative feelings surface and I focus on them.

I need this boy to love me in a way that I don’t think he does.  I want him to be captivated by my words, find me beautiful, think that I’m brilliant and funny, basically adore me and be proud to be with me. 

Ok, so maybe that’s a little bit too much.  I’m a real person with real flaws, and I don’t expect them to go unnoticed.  But at the very least, I would like him to, no, I need him to be interested in what I’m talking about, engage in conversation with me, understand my sense of humor, and in general, be happy to be with me.  I don’t mind conflict or argument (I am an attorney, for Pete’s sake, so I can handle it), and I think you need to have some conflict in your relationship so that wants and needs can be more defined and understood.

It’s not that B isn’t a good boyfriend.  He is.  He treats me very respectfully, and he would do anything for me.  But I don’t always think he gets me.  Sometimes I feel like I’m just someone for him to be with.  Like his love for me has nothing to do with me personally.  I would be afraid to ask him what it is that he likes/loves about me, because I’m very nervous that he wouldn’t be able to come up with an answer. 

Part of the problem is that it is not his nature to really discuss his feelings.  I asked him about a month ago about affection in his family.  Basically what he told me is that there is none.  His parents never showed him physical affection or told him that they loved him.  They are nice people, and certainly do love their family (and he knows that), but like a lot of people, it just isn’t their way to openly express it. 

My family is not entirely different.  My dad is affectionate, my mom isn’t.  My relationship with her doesn’t suffer for it – we are very close.  And she is better now than she used to be, but she isn’t a huggy,  PTA type of mother.  My dad on the other hand (as well as his extended family) is affectionate.  He liked to hug me as a child, and hold my hand and tuck me in at night. 

So as B and I had this conversation, he said, “oh, so you are more like your dad.”  And I had never really thought of myself that way.  Because affection is not that easy for me to give in a romantic relationship.  I have to get it before I can get it.  The more comfortable I am, the easier it is, but I don’t jump into a relationship quickly, physically or emotionally.   And B is reasonably phsyically affectionate.  It comes in waves.  He was definitely more affectionate at the beginning our of relationship than he is now.    And so I’ve become fairly affectionate with him, and now I do a lot more touching than he does.

Anyway, I got off track there.  Anyway, I know that just because B doesn’t express his feeling for me doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have them.  Of course, he tells me that he loves me.  But in a more perfunctory way, at certain times, like when I’m leaving.  Not in a “I’m really feeling it right now” kind of way.  And that is ok, I don’t necessarily need him saying the words all the time.  But I need to feel it somehow.  We have moments when I feel it.  But I’m not sure it all adds up to enough. 

I need to know that there are specific things that he likes about me.  I need to know that he finds me attractive.  I need to know that he wants to be with me, that he misses me when we are apart all week every week.  I need our phone conversations during the week to be at least a little more than just a recitation of our days.  I hate to fish for compliments.  I find it humiliating to ask if he finds me attractive, if he misses me, to make a joke about him finding me charming.   But I do it, because sometimes I need to hear it.  But when I do fish for it?  Still NOTHING. 

For example, here is an exchange we had tonight.  And believe me, I’m embarrassed even to write this.  But anyway:

Me:  I still haven’t taken my dress (for a wedding this weekend) in to get hemmed yet.  I definitely need to do that tomorrow.

B:  Why didn’t you do that today?

Me:   Well, just because when I came home from work I wasn’t feeling well, so I took a nap, and just didn’t end up to getting around to it.  Plus, I feel self-conscious when I have to put on a dress for the tailor to pin up.  I’m always worried they are thinking that I shouldn’t be wearing this dress.  I know that is stupid, considering I’ll be wearing the dress in public on Saturday, but I can’t help it.

B:  I’m sure they’ve seen everything.

Me:  I know.  But I don’t want them to put me in that same category:  gnarly people they have to deal with.

B:  I’m sure its fine.

Me:  Do you think I’m gnarly?

B:  No.

Me:…..do you think I’m cute?

B:  Yeah (in an unconvincing tone of voice).

Now, mind you, I know my part of that conversation was nothing to brag about.  I’m not saying that I don’t have my issues.   But seriously, the best compliment I ever get from him is “you look nice”.  And that doesn’t come very often, believe me.

I truly don’t think I’m needy.  I don’t need him to hang all over me, I don’t need him to shower me with compliments.  But I need SOMETHING.  Anything, really.  Some spark of life, some indication that I mean something to him. 

I know that he loves me in some sense.  I know that he sees me in his future.   We’ve made vacations plans, he’s talked about us moving in together at some point, things like that.  But I need to be more than just a person to be with. 

I know, I need, I need, I need.  I don’t mean to make it sound like the relationship is all about me.  But my blog is.   And honestly, if he needs something from me that I’m not giving, I would be happy to hear it, really.  I would honestly be happy that he gives our relationship some thought, as well as thinking about what he is looking for.  I don’t want to be unreasonable.  And having very little experience with relationships, I just don’t know.  What is reasonable and what isn’t?  I know relationships have ups and downs and everything is not all candlelight and roses and grand gestures of love.  Like I said, I know still waters run deep.  And I understand that not everyone expresses their feelings very freely and openly.  I certainly don’t.  But I gotta have something. 

Ignore me.  I’m just in a mood.