Archive for August, 2008

Reason number 4,872…..

{ August 29, 2008 @ 3:58 am } · { Facebook, aging, babies, random thoughts, worries }
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why Facebook is evil.

Now, I’m barely a member of Facebook.  I have a page, have filled out the bare minimum of a profile, and have posted exactly one picture on there.  I have about 35 friends, most of whom I never see in real life.  I don’t have anyone to stalk on Facebook, so that isn’t a problem. 

But.

Tonight I decided to do a search on the folks who graduated in my law school class.  Can I tell you?  It had to be about 90% of them that had babies/children in their main pictures.  I was all “awww” and “ooh, that’s a sweet baby” for the first page, but by the second, third and beyond pages, I started to think, “wait a minute, how have ALL of them managed to marry and reproduce in the last 5 years?”

Now.  Basically all of my friends have babies, so that’s nothing new.  But I always think, well, I’ve taken a little bit of a different path – having gone through 3 more years of school than they did.  So somehow I found it shocking that all those people who did follow the same path as I did are all married with children.

So, yeah.  It’s official – I’m WAY behind the eight ball.  Of course I know that everyone has their own timeline in life and these things are not to be worried about, but still.  The clock’s a tickin’

Let not your hearts be heavy

{ August 27, 2008 @ 2:18 am } · { death, family, love, relationships, worries }
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That’s what the priest at B’s dad’s funeral kept repeating:  “Let not your hearts be heavy”. 

Easier said than done though, right?

NotAmy reminded me after my last post that although the services were over and life was back to normal, likely the death of B’s father will affect us for quite some time to come. 

It’s not my father.  I try to thank God every day for that very thing – keeping my family healthy.  It’s no small thing, that I know for sure.  So for me, life as usual resumes, and it is easy to forget that the same isn’t true for my B.  He is still hurting so much,  and sleeping fitfully at night.  But he’s brave and he’s a man, so he doesn’t talk about it, and I follow his lead and gloss over it as well.   But said or unsaid, it is still there.  Indeed, his heart is heavy.

B has made it clear that he intends to visit his mother every weekend.  Indefinitely, I guess.  His parents moved about 2.5 hours away last year, to a city where they know no one.  So now his mom is all alone, with all of her family back here.  B is worried about his mom and I think feels some sort of responsibility to take care of her, even though she is a very capable woman and doesn’t really need taken care of.  But he has decided that he will go to see her every weekend. 

As you dear readers know, because of the distance between my house and B’s, I only get to see B on weekends.  And regrettably, weekends are only two days long.  So B doesn’t have time to visit his mother and see me.   All of our plans have fallen by the wayside for the forseeable future.

Initially, I’m slightly irritated, I’m not going to lie.  And believe me, I know how selfish that is.  But it just makes me sad not to see B.  I want to be with him.  But it isn’t about me.  And I have to keep reminding myself that it has been less than two weeks since B’s dad passed away.  So I have to be patient and supportive and understanding.  I just wish it came a little more naturally to me than it does.  Regardless, I know I can’t lay my issues on top of what he’s already dealing with, so I’ll suck it up.  I’ve been trying to figure out what I can do to make this time easier on B, and I guess this is it – allow him to do what he feels he needs to do without hassling him.

Of course, I’m glad that B is the kind of man who can be counted on, and will do anything for his family.  I know those same qualities make him a caring partner, and will someday make him a wonderful father.  I just miss him, that’s all.   

My heart too is heavy.

It’s just tears and rain

{ August 21, 2008 @ 1:02 am } · { death, family, work }
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Thanks again for the well-wishes, ladies.  You guys are the best.

We made it through the wake and funeral.  It went as well as it could, and they had a really nice turnout.  There were a lot of rough moments, as there always are in this type of situation.  But overall B and his family are holding up pretty well under the circumstances.    And I think they are relieved that all of the services are over and they can have time to themselves. 

As for me, I tried to walk to line between being there for whatever B needed and being unobtrusive.  Because no matter how important B and I are to each other, the fact is that I didn’t know his dad all that well, and I don’t know his family all that well (although better now).   So there were times I felt out of place, because of course, my level of grief is not even remotely on the same level as theirs.  In fact, most of what I feel is sympathy and caring for B and the rest of his family, as opposed to my own grief at the loss of B’s father. 

It is kind of an awkward spot to be in, because B and I are not married or engaged or anything of the sort.  Many of the family members that were there I was just meeting for the first time.  So I’m not exactly part of the family, but I wanted to be as supportive of B as I could.

During the funeral ceremony there wasn’t room in the front row for me to sit by B, so I sat in the second row, all by myself.  Of course, I cried through the entire thing, just as I feared I would, but it was ok.  It’s ok to cry at funerals, and obviously I wasn’t doing it in a loud or disruptive way.  Anyway, when the funeral was over, the funeral director announced that everyone should come pay their last respects and then exit through the side door, starting with the back row.  I started getting nervous, when it is my turn, do I stay or do I go??

Anyway, so when it was my turn, I went up to the casket, paid my respects, and then turned around and sat back down.  The only people left at that point were B’s immediate family (mom, brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew) and his Dad’s sister and brother.  At that point the two of them (B’s aunt and uncle) went up to the casket and were holding each other and sobbing.  It was breaking my heart, and B’s immediate family all started breaking down then too.  Then his aunt and uncle exited through the side door.  That’s when I thought, yeah, I don’t think I should be in here for this, so I got up and quietly exited myself.  So I felt kinda stupid, not knowing what the right thing to do was.  But I felt that B’s immediate family should have their privacy, so I think it was the right thing.  Of course, nobody in there was paying any attention to me during this time, so I’m sure I’m the only one who was worried about it.

The nice thing is that I did get to meet pretty much all of B’s extended family.  Of course, I wish it hadn’t been in that way, but I guess that’s just the way things work out in life.   They were all very nice and seemed very happy to meet me.  His aunt told me that his grandmother said that she was pleased with me, which is apparently about as good as you can do with her, so I was happy with that.  Some of the others were just very very happy B had a girlfriend.  He must have been one sad case before me. 

I was thinking about how hard it would be to work at a funeral home.  From the funeral directors down to the ushers, I just don’t think I could do that type of job.  You have to be with people during the worst moments of their lives and witness pain at its rawest.  I could not do it.  It’s nice, I guess, that you can help someone out during such a tough time, but no.  I would weep every day.  I might write the funeral home a thank you note, because it is probably a pretty thankless job, and hey, someone’s gotta do it.

Anyway, thanks again for the kind words.

In passing…

{ August 18, 2008 @ 5:56 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Thanks for all the well wishes, girls.  I really appreciate it.

I spent the weekend with B and his family.   I came home last night to finish a brief that’s due today.  I’ll go to work for a few hours and then go back up to B’s place for the visitation and funeral. 

It is going to be a really rough 2 days for him.  I know he’s a little bit nervous about everything to come – greeting all the people, saying a final good-bye to his father. 

I’m trying to do whatever he needs me to do, but truthfully, I’m not even sure what it is he needs.  Or if what he needs is anything I can provide.  All I know is that I love him so much and watching him suffer has been breaking my heart.  He tries to be stoic, but still I can see his sadness, his worry, the tears he tries to hide when he’s thinking about it.  

And I have been a big baby since the day I was born.  My mom and sister almost laughed thinking about someone calling me in tears and needing strength.  And unfortunately, they’re right – it is almost laughable.  I went to B’s house on Friday night and started crying almost immediately, and continued even after he was asleep.  I tried to do so quietly, of course, so he didn’t always know, but still. 

My goal for the next two days is to provide whatever support I can, and not cry like a baby.  Because that wouldn’t be right.  But when I think about my big guy (and the rest of his family) being so sad, I just can’t help it.   But I’ll do a lot of deep breathing and buck up.

I don’t know what to say…

{ August 15, 2008 @ 2:47 am } · { death, love, relationships }
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B’s dad passed away tonight.

Out of nowhere.  Heart attack, I think.  The information I’ve had, that B himself has had, has been pretty scarce. 

He called me.  First to tell me that his dad had gone to the hospital and had arm pain.  Evidently they told him it was an infection, but they wanted him to go to a larger hospital because of his leukemia.  Now, he has leukemia, has had it the entire time I’ve known B, but I think it is some kind of chronic leukemia that wasn’t life threatening.  But anyway, they wanted him to go to the other hospital and they were going to do some tests on him there. 

Twenty minutes later he called me again and said it didn’t look good.  And I said, what do you mean, babe?  He said his mom, who was about 30 minutes away from the hospital at that time (I assume his dad was flown there) was told that he went into cardiac arrest and that they were performing CPR on him.  “I don’t understand,” I said, “they are still performing CPR on him?”  B said he didn’t know, but he thought that was just what they told his mom since she was still driving there.  It took my breath away, even the thought of it.  But B let me go so he could go to his brother’s house and the two of them could drive up there.

20 minutes later I got another call from B.  He was practically wailing.  One of the worst sounds I’ve ever heard.  All he could say was, “[h]e’s gone.” 

I cried (as I had been since he first told me that he probably wasn’t going to make it) and asked him where he was.  He was still at his brother’s house, so I asked if he wanted me to come over.  He said yes, and gave me the address.  As I was getting ready he called me back and said not to come because he and his brother were going to pick up their mom, who was at the hospital alone, several hours away.

So I can’t be with him right now, and I hate it.  I want to hold him in my arms, stroke his back, do whatever he needs me to do.  I can’t do that right now, and it is breaking my heart.  I can’t imagine what he is going through.  I, even in my darkest moments, cannot even allow myself to think about losing one of my parents.  I can’t even go there, even for a minute. 

Ok, deep breath.

I need to be able to pull myself together, for him.

Picture this

{ August 14, 2008 @ 2:32 am } · { pictures, travel }
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As promised, here is some pictures from my trip. 

We’ll start with the cabin:

Looks spacious, no?   Obviously it was pretty tiny, but it was clean and well-kept and was definitely adequate.  After all, you shouldn’t be spending that much time in your room anyway, right?  My only complaint was that the water smelled like metal.  And had too much color.  I prefer my water clear, I can be funny that way.

Next is a picture of part of the resort, as seen from a boat on the lake:

It’s cute, right?

Here’s one I took of the lake:

B was fishing and I took a book down to read while he did so.  At that time in the evening the lake was very calm and peaceful.  It was a nice place to sit.  Well, until the bugs came anyway.  And come they did.  But I’m trying to keep this post positive, so I’ll say nothing more about the bugs.  And the bites.

Lastly, I have a picture of the first fish caught by B this year.  This was long after I had abandoned the dock for a bonfire with some other guests because of the aforementioned bugs.  But I left B with strict instructions to call me over to get a picture when he caught something, no matter how small.  He caught his fish and proudly started calling my name, and I rushed over.  Without further ado, here it is:

Yep.  There it is.  Can you see it?  It is the shiny thing on the left side of the picture.  If you could see B’s face, he has a big old smile on it.  Triumphant, showing off his first catch of the year.

Yeah.  So one of the guests asked me why we weren’t married yet.  I told him, seriously, a fish like that is not going to feed the two of us and a family.  His food gatherer skills need some work.  Once I see some improvement, then we can talk.

Well, there you have it.  Now don’t you all hate on me because of my fabulous vacation.  Jealousy is so unbecoming, folks. 

All kidding aside, we did have a nice time and it was a wonderful opportunity to spend some quality time together, which we don’t normally get nearly enough of.  And the other guests and the resort owners were very nice and fun.  And my friends told me how very proud of me they were – that I had managed to brave the wild without being a pain in the ass.  Geez, they must think I’m a total priss. 

Clearly they are wrong.

I lived

{ August 12, 2008 @ 3:23 am } · { travel }
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So against all odds I survived a week in the northwoods wilderness. 

And I hate to admit it, but…….it wasn’t that bad.

Yep.  I almost liked it. 

There was no 5-star hotel, no room service, no waiter keeping me constantly supplied with boat drinks while I lazed on the beach.  No clear cerulean blue waters, no balmy salty air, no evenings of dressing up for  fancy dinners.

But there was sun, (a little bit of) sand, nice people, and my boy.  Unlimited leisure time, no calls from clients (or my boss), no traffic, and nice views.    Books to read, kayaks to….I can’t think of the word…..kayak in, boat rides to take. 

So it was a nice time.  I didn’t get attacked by any bears or snakes, and in fact, I didn’t even see any.  Which makes all that time I spent reading up on what to do during bear attacks seem like a waste, but I guess one can never be too prepared.

B’s family.   They are not that great at conversation, and although they are nice, they don’t seem all that interested in me.  The invited me places while B was golfing a couple of times, and I went with, but much of the time with them I spent quiet, just listening to their conversations.

B’s family knew most of the people at the resort, as many of the same people have been coming the same week for years and years (I’m talking between 15-30 years for most of these folks).  But B and I met a new couple there, Paul and Sarah.  They were there with their grandchild.  And the first night we met them we spent about an hour talking with them about various topics, and in that amount of time they asked and learned more about me than B’s parents have in all the time we’ve spent together.  It’s not that they are disinterested in me, they just don’t necessarily chat like other people.  I wish they did. 

Anyway.

I survived, and our relationship survived.  And believe me, among my family and friends, there was some doubt as to whether I could behave well enough in the Northwoods for an entire week such that B would want to continue seeing me.  Oh thee of little faith.  I was a model citizen, a delight to be around. 

Ok, that may be going a little far.  But I tried to assimilate as much as I could.  One night after coming back from dinner B decided to go fishing for a little while off the dock.  There was still some daylight, so I decided to go down and sit with him and do some reading.  Once it got too dark (and boring), I joined Sarah and Paul at their bonfire.  Paul asked if it was my first time there and I said, yes, my boyfriend’s family has been coming here for 25 years, but this is my first year.  And I told him that I had been nervous about it, because I’m not exactly the original wilderness girl.  He said, sarcastically, “really, I would never have known because you definitely have the wardrobe down.”  Evidently a sundress, cardigan, and jewelry is not the thing to wear while down fishing off the dock.  Hmm.  Live and learn, I guess. 

Despite that, while I was finishing packing up in the cabin, I heard Paul say good-bye to B.  And he told B that he’s a really lucky guy, because I’m a great girl - smart, pretty, and witty.  I sure did like that Paul.

I know I promised (to Kara) pictures, and I’ll try to do that in my next post.  I didn’t get many good pictures, but I can at least give you an idea of the place.