Archive for October, 2008

More reasons to hate Facebook

{ October 29, 2008 @ 2:23 am } · { Facebook, These people are killing me }
{ } · { Comments (5) }

I rarely ever look at the “profile” page on Facebook.  I always log in, take a look at the home page, see what all of my friends are up to and then log off.  Today I went to my actual profile page and you know what I saw?

Line after line of my comments on my friends’ walls or to their pictures.  That’s basically it.  Nobody cares about me because I don’t have kids.  If I had children, they’d make comments every time I post pictures, telling me how cute my kids are.  But I don’t, and they don’t. 

I’m cute too, people!  Sort of, anyway.  And if I’m not, then PRETEND like I am.  That’s what “friends” are for.

________________________________________________________________________________

A guy from my high school sent me a friends request a while ago.  I don’t remember him at all, but I accepted it, as I generally do to all requests.  Just to be polite, I guess. 

Anyway, this guy IMed me about three times.  I always ignored it, because apparently my politeness extends only so far.  I really have nothing to say to this guy, and have no desire to waste time small talking.  But then he IMed me again the other day, and I just sighed to myself and thought “ok, fine.  I don’t want to ignore him again, I’ll just chat with him for a few minutes and then beg off.”  Fine.

So the first thing he says to me is “so you’re a lawyer now, right?”  Uh-huh.  Already I can see a legal question coming my way.  He then proceeds to tell me about his issues at work, which, by the way, are barely issues.  Blah blah blah, I don’t like my current assignment, blah blah blah, management won’t switch me to a new assignement, blah blah blah, I signed a non-compete agreement and I want to go work for one of their local competitors.  Do you think this is the problem?

How the hell should I know?  I don’t even practice in the state that he lives in.  Nor do I handle those kinds of issues.  So I very politely try to tell him, listen, I’m not familiar with the laws in that state, and I don’t work in that area of the law.  But he keeps pushing.  He says he’s not sure if I have a boyfriend or not (read my profile, genius), but he wonders if I could call him to talk about his problem. 

Um, no?  First of all, my boyfriend has nothing to do with me dispensing legal advice.  Secondly, again dude, I’m not comfortable advising you on this issue. 

Then he says, well, no offense, butI know that most attorneys don’t want to give advice unless they are getting compensated.  Well, yeah.  It is a FOR PROFIT business.  And furthermore, who the hell likes to work for free??  It isn’t just attorneys, asshat, it’s everybody.  I’m fairly certain he doesn’t work for free. 

So I tell him, dude, this has nothing to do with compensation.  I can’t just give advice off the cuff to random people because those people?  Will rely on what I say, and then if things go wrong, guess who they want to blame??  Some poor lawyer chick they cornered on Facebook and begged for advice.  And not every question has an easy yes or no answer.  In fact, most of them don’t.  Hence cases being litigated for years and ending in someone, a judge or a jury having to make a decision one way or another. 

That guy pissed me off.  I told him I was signing off, and he said, ok, I’ll talk to you soon.  Um…no.  Unless soon = never, we won’t be talking any time soon.

Yes, now I am THAT girl…

{ October 16, 2008 @ 4:15 am } · { Uncategorized }
{ } · { Comments (3) }

Folks, I have now become one of those women I used to shake my head at.  “Get a grip, ladies”, I used to say to myself. 

So last weekend B left me alone at his house while he went to work.  I snooped. 

*Hangs head in shame*

Now, I should say, I am in no way suspicious of B.  I wasn’t looking for something in particular, I wasn’t expecting to catch him in some compromising position, or anything of the sort. 

I just like to know things.  What is there about B that I don’t know?  So I looked at his computer.

Now, I didn’t hack into his email or anything about that.  I’m pretending that is somehow worse in list of snooping infractions.  Anyway, I just took a nice stroll in his “My Documents” folder. 

It was similar to visiting an amateur porn site (and how do I know this?  I just do, alright.  This is about him, not me).  So what did I learn?  Nothing new.  I already knew the boy was a perv.  Just an average perv, though.   Pictures of random naked chicks, pictures that looked like they came from e-mail forwards.    And all of them predated me reign in his life.

Luckily I didn’t uncover any weird fetishes or proclivities.  Although, I have to say, I seriously hope B isn’t expecting me to assume some of those positions.  I am not that bendy.  And considering that I can’t do the normal splits?  I sure as hell can’t do them upside down with my crotch in the air.  Sorry dude. 

The only thing that concerned me was that there were a few pictures that could have been possibly homemade.  By him, I mean.  So he and I will soon be playing a game of “have you ever?”  A girl needs some intel, people.

But ladies, why do we do this?  I have had friends who relentlessly snooped on their bfs….checking his cell phone, hacking his email, etc.  And most of the time I think it comes from a place of insecurity.  Mine was more from curiosity, but I know that doesn’t make it better.  A man deserves his privacy, especially someone like B, who like I said, does not do anything to arouse my suspicions in the least. 

And it really only made me feel a little bad, seriously.  The whole experience didn’t start with me being insecure, but it did end that way.  I’m not sexy like those women, my body doesn’t look like that, and again, I’m not that flexible.  Would he rather be with someone better looking or someone more adventurous?  I don’t know why this bothered me more than him looking at chicks in Playboy, but it did. 

Anyway, I did it to myself.  And although it did slightly upset me, also it reinforced the fact that he really has nothing to hide.  There was nothing there to cause me to not trust him.  Obviously I am not as trustworthy.

Some things I need to get off my chest

{ October 10, 2008 @ 3:41 am } · { These people are killing me, do your job, etiquette, gym }
{ } · { Comments (5) }

Landlord Bob -

Nothing you need to discuss with me is important enough to come to my door during the last five minutes of Grey’s Anatomy. 

. . .

Workers at the Gym -

Please do a better job of hiding your Dunkin’ Donuts.  Thanks.

. . .

Dudes at the Gym:

Please do not come to the gym with bare feet anymore.  It makes me feel like tossing my cookies, and I already am not enjoying myself at the gym.

. . .

Cottenelle Aloe & E Toilet Paper-

Although I love how you feel against my naughty bits – so unbelievably soft.  What I don’t love is what you leave behind.  I would rather use a rougher paper than have to pick pieces of toilet paper out of my crotch.  Unfortunately, I’m stuck using up the 24 roll pack that I bought. 

. . .

Direct Auto Insurance Company -

No.  No I will not accept your offer of 50% of the estimate for the repairs to my car.  I know it can be confusing, but no,  I was not 50% at fault for being rear-ended by your insured (who, by the way, is a HE, not a SHE as you stated) while I was at a complete stop at the stoplight.  And why yes, I would like to speak to the president of the company.

Yes, Mr. President, I am well aware of a concept called  “mitigating circumstances”, but thanks so much for explaining it to me so patiently.  Unfortunately, there were not mitigating circumstances, and this is not a negotiation.  I will take 100% and not a penny less.

Thank you for providing me with a release of claim.  I’m going to need you to strike the part that says “this is a settlement of a doubtful claim”.  Also?  No, I will not take you at your word that you will reimburse me for the rental car, even though your release says nothing of the sort.  Stop insulting my intelligence and just pay the fucking claim already, k?

Oh, and no, the letter you got from the law firm?  Thanks for asking, but no, that is not my attorney.  That is ME.  I am the attorney. 

. . .

Thank God tomorrow is Friday.

The Vagaries of Bachelor Life

{ October 3, 2008 @ 3:35 am } · { Observations, dating, random thoughts }
{ } · { Comments (3) }

I am often struck by the differences between how single men and women live, usually when I’m at B’s house:

*When I first met B, he had a random group of gnarly eating utensils.  Cheap, flimsy, mangled silverware (and I use that term very loosely).  At one point I suggested to him that he put a set of silverware on his Christmas list last year, which he did.  But even then, his mom gave him a set of Martha Stewart silverware, but it was only 4 place settings.  I suggested that he go to Macy’s and buy a second set.  He didn’t understand that at all.  I said, well, what would you do if you ever had more than 4 people over for dinner?  He went ahead and got the set.

*B cooked me dinner one night and served it to me with a plastic spoon (this was before he got the new set).  He apologized, but explained how the regular stuff was in the dishwasher, so he couldn’t use them.  I said, um, [B], you COULD just hand wash dishes if you really need them.  Hadn’t occurred to him.

*Even if he did want to wash dishes by hand, he doesn’t have any sponges or dishrags.  Nothing.  Although he does have dish soap.  I bought him some dishrags.  To my knowledge, I’m the only one who has used them thus far. 

*He also doesn’t have any dish towels.  No, I take that back, he does have one.  The same one that has been hanging from the oven at least as long as I have known him.  And he recently confessed to me that he has never washed it (and he does about 4 loads of laundry a week, not sure why that has never made it in there).  I also bought him some hand towels, but I don’t think he ever switches them up.  I just do it when I’m there.

*He has no handsoap in the kitchen.  I bought him a handsoap dispenser as well.   Mostly because I got tired of running back and forth to the bathroom to wash my hands when we cook. 

*B has whole cabinets in his kitchen that are empty.  I would give my left arm for extra space in my kitchen.

*B is actually pretty good at keeping his house tidy.  He cleans his house every week , on a pretty regular schedule.  He actually keeps his house a lot more neat than I do.  But he misses some stuff:

*  His bathroom soap dispenser is always dusty and covered in crusted over soap.  I usually rinse it off when I’m in there.

*Although he is good at cleaning his bathroom mirror, he evidently doesn’t notice the blue windex streak on the wall beside his mirror. 

*He has three things in his shower – shampoo, soap, wash rag.  I have probably twenty.  A couple different sets of shampoo and conditioner, regular soap, body wash, bubble bath, salt and sugar scrubs, face soap, exfoliator, shaving gel, razors, etc.  I admit, his is probably more on the reasonable side than mine.

*B’s entire place is painted the same color:  off-white.  He calls it tan.  Trust me, it’s off-white.  Every room in my apartment is painted. 

*When his dad passed away, my mom sent B a plant.  It needs sunlight (of course), so he rigged up two cardboard boxes, taped them together with masking tape.  That is his plant stand.  It’s super attractive.

*One guy I dated used a beach towel for his bath towel.  I made fun of him enough that he asked his mom for towels for Christmas.  Even then, he didn’t personally use them.  Wanted to save them for guests and special occasions. 

*That same guy lived in a pretty cool loft in the city.  His bathroom was wall was made entirely of glass blocks.  He noticed that when I went to the bathroom (for the first time) in his place, I turned the light off.  When I came out, he asked why I was peeing in the dark.  I told him I didn’t want him to see me sitting on the pot (keep in mind the loft was just one big open space so you could see the bathroom from any point)  He laughed at me, like that was totally ridiculous.  I guarantee that every woman he has had in his loft has had the very same thought.

*B has a pizza oven.  Now, I know a lot of people have those, but truly, it is a trend I don’t understand.  I asked him why he couldn’t just cook the pizza in his regular oven, and he told me that it is just easier to do it that way.  But he has to haul that thing out from the panty (where he also has entirely empty shelves) every time.  I don’t get it.

*Like a lot of women, B does a separate load of laundry for his “delicates”.  He literally calls him that.  But his delicates?  Are sports jerseys and moisture wicking shirts. 

That’s all I can think of right now.  I wonder what men think about the way women live.  Do we do weird things?