I feel sort of hopeless about the moving in together thing. Like it may never happen.
I already knew there were obstacles. Like I discussed in my last post. He has a condo, he has to sell it, that could take a long time, blah blah blah. You’ve heard it all before.
But I was at his place over the weekend, and he was showing me some houses that he was looking at online. And I said, “Babe, do you anticipate buying a house that is currently on the market[?]“, because it seems impossible to me that it could all happen quickly enough. We started talking about the whole thing.
Then we came to money issues. Namely, how the hell does one come up with 20% down? I have quite a bit of money saved, but certainly not 20%. He has equity in his condo, so when he sells it, he’ll have that money. It might get us close to 20%. But not quite. So then he started talking about how I might be eligible for first time home-buyers programs. Ok, fine.
But I had to break it to him that I don’t intend for us to jointly purchase property without any kind of commitment in our relationship. I’ve been reluctant to bring it up, because I don’t want to seem like I’m pushing him into something or that I’m punishing him for not having asked me to marry him yet. I just don’t think it is a smart idea. Because if we break up? We’ll basically have to go through a divorce without ever having been married. We will have to sell the house, or one of us will have to buy the other one out of the property. A huge mess.
So then what are our options? He could buy the house alone. But then he will get approved for much less of a mortgage since I won’t be on it. So our housing choices will be much more limited. Ugh.
Am I shooting myself in the foot here? I don’t want to make it more difficult, but I also don’t want to jump the gun. Buying a house is a big deal for me. Moving in together is a big deal for me. I don’t take it lightly.
So anyway, he basically said, well, I don’t think we should make more of a commitment until we live together. And I understand that, I do. I could go either way, myself. I don’t mind living together before getting married, but I could do it the other way too.
But the fact that he is so adamant about us living together before getting engaged or married sort of reinforces my point, I think. What is basically boils down to is that he isn’t sure. And why do I want to tie myself financially to someone who isn’t sure?
I don’t love it that he is still unsure, but I do understand it. He’s just being careful and cautious, and that is not a bad thing. I’m not one to rush into anything either, but it really is getting to be time. I need to know that this is going where I want it to go, and that it isn’t going to take several more years to get there.
We haven’t talked about marriage really at all because he brought it up and I didn’ t want bring it up because I didn’t want to be THAT girl. Always talking (whining) about getting married. I didn’t want to push him (or anyone) into marrying me. It’s just so cliche – you know? But as my friend recently reminded me, “you have to be some form of THAT girl. THAT girl? Is married. You are not. Do the math.”
I also didn’t want to be THAT girl who is desperately listening to her biological clock ticking. Because we know how it ends for that girl (Mary and Bachelor Bob, anyone?). In three and a half hears I will be 35, and I think we all know what that means (unless you happen to be male, dear reader). I’ve never been concerned with things happening at a certain pace or in a certain time, but now I find myself concerned about it. I want things to happen totally organically, but maybe that isn’t realistic. I don’t know.
I know it will all work out, I just want it to be sooner rather than later. And I’m getting impatient.
alwayscurious Said:
on April 28, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Okay so take this for what it is worth (coming from a never-married once-inhabiting at 18 and blew up on me chick): do NOT put your name on those papers without (at minimum) a ring on your finger. I am soo beyond serious. I see a few reasons for this.
1) If he is not sure enough to marry you, why are you sure enough to tie your financial health to him? Buying a house IS a huge commitment and before you put thousands of dollars into it and take on a joint debt of several hundred thousand dollars, you need to have some assurance that you’re not going to end up screwed.
2) If you two do break up, it is so much harder to deal with the house than if you were married because there is no divorce process that forces you to do things the right way. My friend bought a house with her fiance and they broke up and it was a MESS.
3) If he has you, and he has the er.. lets say “milk”, and he owns a house with you, and you’re sharing all of the same expenses… what incentive does he have to actually marry you? Most guys are not romantics at heart. They may want married life… but they do not really want the wedding shenanigans.
4) It might actually be good for you to not use all your savings on a down payment. I don’t know what your family situation is, but if you’re planning a wedding in a year or two you might be really really grateful to have that money and not have to put flowers on a credit card.
It seems perfectly reasonable to me to tell him that you’ll live with him before you’re married (if you’re cool with that) and pull your weight on monthly expenses, but you are not signing any papers or putting in a down payment until you get a commitment. And if that means he can only put down 5-10% and has PMI until you two get married, well too bad. Not the end of the world.
But, that’s just my opinion.
-Lyndsey (BTW I don’t know why it lists me by my stupid log-in name and not my actual name)
jem1896 Said:
on April 28, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Hey Lyndsey!
Thanks for the comment. I’ve been thinking about all of the same things you mentioned for a while now, and really, I have no intention of jointly buying the house. But it is good to have some reinforcement here, because it seems like everyone else just sort of jumps in headfirst, and I know B was taken aback when I told him my position on the situation.
I’m not too worried that once we live together he won’t have any incentive to marry me (and he already has the milk!). I know he wants to get married and have a family and all that stuff. But I’m definitely not ready to throw in all my money, all my time and effort, and a whole bunch of new debt (and I already have tons and tons – thank you law school) if he isn’t ready for more commitment. My mother did not raise me that way! And working in the legal field certainly doesn’ t make one less cautious.
Anyway, we just have to look into some other options and see how it goes!
kara Said:
on April 30, 2009 at 7:56 pm
May I suggest getting on a unitard and singing, a la Beyonce-style, “If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it, if you like it you shoulda PUT A RING ON IT”?
Apologies! That’s my lame-ass attempt at humor.
All I can say is that you’ll never regret any decision you make if you don’t compromise what you feel in your gut or any promises you’ve made to yourself about living with someone and/or getting married.