Archive for aging

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

{ March 13, 2009 @ 3:41 am } · { Facebook, aging, unattractive, what am I doing with my life?, worries }
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So a lot of my friends on Facebook have been posting old photographs lately, from high school and even some from junior high.  I don’t mind, I like looking at them.  Those years were a really great time in my life (although I had plenty of teenage angst, of course), and I get nostalgic looking at that stuff. 

However.

One of my “friends” posted several pictures from junior high.  It is a boy I knew in grade school/junior high, but I was never really great friends with him and I don’t remember speaking with him much once we were in high school.  But he’s on Facebook, and I like to see what people are doing and I enjoy leaving nice comments on Facebook, so I accepted his friends request.  Then I started getting email after email that he had tagged me in some photos.  Obviously I knew they had to be old since I haven’t seen him in so many years, and I went to check them out.  

He had posted picture after picture of me.  First a picture of me and my little junior high boyfriend (gnarly sloppy kisser, by the way).  Then he posted a picture of he and I at a school dance (not sure how that happened because we surely never dated).  He added a few more, and I was relieved to see that some of the others included other people, not just me.  But I was in all but one of them.  I started to feel a little weird about it, because like I said, we were never that good of friends.  But obviously it is harmless.

So then another girl commented on the photograph of me and him, wondering if I was his second date for this same dance, as he had posted a picture of himself and another girl at the same dance), and he said, “oh no, [Jem] is second to no one in my opinion.”

Folks, I am a sucker for ANY kind of flattery.  It made me feel good.  More than it should have, I think.

It’s just that when I look back at all of those photos from when I was younger, I can remember the confidence I had then.  I was always self-conscious, mind you, but I don’ t know, I just had a confidence then that I don’t have now.  I was cuter.  Thinner.  I felt a lot shinier then than I do now.  Does that makes sense? 

I sent one of the pictures from when I was 18 to a friend of mine who didn’t know me back then.  It took her a while to figure out which one of those girls was me.  Yikes.  She said, but [Jem], you still look the same.  You have gained weight, yes, but you could be that girl again.

Um, no.  I will never be that girl again.  She was 18.  I am 31.  She had naturally blond hair, thighs that didn’t touch, and no student loans.   Virtually no responsibilities whatsoever.  She used to walk down the football player’s hallway (which had a nasty smell, btw) in her tennis skirt and pretend she didn’ t know they were looking at her.    She could go buy a prom dress without worry about her arm flab and ginormous boobs. 

I can’t get back the youthful naivete and blissful ignorance that she had then.  Nor can I get back the flawless skin.  I try to tell myself that the thing I have now add up to more than what she had.  Those old pictures?  That’s what I looked like when I was proud of myself, and I don’t know how to explain it except to say that I don’t look like that anymore. 

I’m concerned I’m one of those cliche girls who peaked in high school.  I need to pick myself up and make some changes.  And I don’t mean to make it sound like there is so much wrong with my life or who I am not; there’s not.  I just want to polish it up and make it shine a little, you know?

Reason number 4,872…..

{ August 29, 2008 @ 3:58 am } · { Facebook, aging, babies, random thoughts, worries }
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why Facebook is evil.

Now, I’m barely a member of Facebook.  I have a page, have filled out the bare minimum of a profile, and have posted exactly one picture on there.  I have about 35 friends, most of whom I never see in real life.  I don’t have anyone to stalk on Facebook, so that isn’t a problem. 

But.

Tonight I decided to do a search on the folks who graduated in my law school class.  Can I tell you?  It had to be about 90% of them that had babies/children in their main pictures.  I was all “awww” and “ooh, that’s a sweet baby” for the first page, but by the second, third and beyond pages, I started to think, “wait a minute, how have ALL of them managed to marry and reproduce in the last 5 years?”

Now.  Basically all of my friends have babies, so that’s nothing new.  But I always think, well, I’ve taken a little bit of a different path – having gone through 3 more years of school than they did.  So somehow I found it shocking that all those people who did follow the same path as I did are all married with children.

So, yeah.  It’s official – I’m WAY behind the eight ball.  Of course I know that everyone has their own timeline in life and these things are not to be worried about, but still.  The clock’s a tickin’

Home again

{ July 14, 2008 @ 3:29 am } · { aging, dating, friends, goals, life, relationships, weekend }
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Well, this weekend I left my car woes behind and took a trip home.  My girlfriends and I continued our 30th Birthday tour with my friend Tara’s birthday.  Tara is easily one of the best people I know.  Such a sweetheart and she would do anything for anyone.  I just love her.

Anyway, Tara’s big day was this weekend, so one of my other friends hosted a party at her house.  B was able to come with me, which was great (and also necessary since I was not going to be driving too far on my donut spare tire).  I like for him to come home with me, so he can get to know my friends better and because I think it is the best way for him to really know me in a way that I don’t think is fully accomplished otherwise.  Of course I try to be completely myself all of the time around B and his friends, but of course I don’t relate to his friends in the same way I relate to my own.  I just have so much fun with them, and I know B can see that.  And I think he really enjoys himself too.  My girlfriends like to ask inappropriate questions, and I enjoy watching B squirm and try to answer their questions. 

Last night one of my friends asked him where was the most unusual place that he’s ever had sex, and he just made up some silly answer.  He didn’t really have an answer.  He and I really need to work on that, because I don’t have a good answer for that question either.  I think we need to be more adventurous. 

One of my friends had a baby about a month ago.  I hadn’t met her yet, so I was excited when they came to the party for a little while with the baby.  When she was born she was only 4 pounds, and she is now up to 9 pounds, but she was still so so tiny.  And sweet.  I just loved her.  So I held her for quite some time.  B came inside after a while (he was outside with the boys while us girls were inside oohing and aahing over the baby) and said he some of them came outside to make a point of telling him I held the baby and I was doing a good job (although there is nothing too tricky about it).  Apparently that was big news.  You know how women are, “Oooh, J’s holding the baby!  I think she’s ready to have kids.”  Funny.  But whoa!!  No, definitely not ready yet.  I love babies (and children) and definitely feel the clock ticking and that little twinge when I see babies, but situationally, I’m not in the right place.  I try to picture me and my little baby living in my tiny one bedroom apartment, and me with no maternity insurance and no paid maternity leave.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure it isn’t the right time.

Anyway, a couple of you have expressed interest in a topic I discussed a while ago – how B and I had briefly talked about living together.  Nothing really new has developed in that area.  The problem is that right now we live and work pretty far apart, and I’m not anxious to add a long long commute onto my day.  So we won’t really explore the moving in together thing until one or both of us has a new job.  But its not like I’m actively hitting the job trail.  I need a new job and I do a lot of looking around for a new job, but that is about as far as it goes.  I’m somewhat intimidated by the whole job search/interview process, so that holds me back.  But I think a new job is definitely something that needs to happen within the next year, so I’m going to have to be more proactive about it.  And B wants a new job too, so at some point I think it will all come together, but it isn’t happening right now.  So we don’t really talk about it all that much because of the other changes that need to happen first. 

Oh, why do the weekends go so fast??  There’s just never enough time.  It’s Monday morning again tomorrow, and I’m just dreading it.

Death Wish

{ May 6, 2008 @ 3:51 am } · { aging, family, friends, random thoughts }
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Today I had a conversation with my friend Jaded that really bothered me.  That is not an unusual occurrence with Jaded, but this one bothered me more so than the others. 

She says she wants to die young.  Now, she never did tell me what she considered young.  But she kept saying “retirement age”, but that is still a pretty large range.  She figures that once she is no longer “useful”, she doesn’t want to be around anymore. 

I think that is a pretty insulting way of looking at retirement-aged and older people.     Also?  I think it is a slap in the face to all the people (at any age) who died before they felt it was their time.  Case in point – my grandfather died when he was sixty-nine.  He was diagnosed with lung cancer, had surgery, and died within 6 months.  Prior to his diagnosis he played golf everyday, went out fishing on his boat frequently, loved to play games, goofed around in church, and was pretty social.  We all loved to spend time with him – he was strong, he was fit, he was fun, he was smart, he had a sense of humor.  He loved life, and he always had a twinkle in his eyes.  His life was not sad or wasted or lonely.  Even now, eight years later, I cry on the spot everytime I think about the last time I said good-bye to him.     He was not ready to go, and we certainly were not ready for him to go.

Of course, I know that things get worse for people as they get older.  And some stories are much much sadder.  Some people die alone and lonely in nursing homes.  Some go slowly with diseases like Alzheimers.  Many people live for years with a very poor quality of life.  I get that. 

But to make a blanket statement that you want to die young because you don’t want to get old and no longer be useful?   I don’t know, it just seemed kind of…..luxurious to me.

Long Day

{ February 29, 2008 @ 4:10 am } · { These people are killing me, aging, birthday, life, mean people, online dating, random thoughts, relationships, what am I doing with my life?, work }
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9:30 a.m.

I took a little break at work and I checked my personals inbox.  Of course I no longer do online dating, but for whatever reason (read:  laziness), I haven’t taken down my profile.  I still check my inbox every now and then, mostly for amusement purposes.  Today I got a message that reads as follows:

[I'm omitting the part that has his name and email address.  But apparently his last name is "thick"]

PS .. thick like ALAN Thicke the Actor … I know what you were thinking … and I am not a all fery, Athletic and Built.  text me for fastest reaction time

555-123-4567 … text me if you want to discuss me over dinner …

Huh?  What the hell is he talking about?  And what is “fery”?  Usually when people have bad grammar and/or spelling, I can still figure out what they are trying to say, but not this time.

Oh, and dude?  1985 called and wants its pop culture references back.  Has this guy not watched any tv in 20 years or what?  I emailed him back and said, “Dude, no thanks.   You are no Kirk Cameron.”

1:45 p.m.

I had a loud and angry argument with my boss.  He asks for my opinion, but he really only wants it if I agree with him.  He thinks I’m trying to be contrary and narrow-minded when actually I’m just telling him what the law is.  As since I’m the one reading all the cases, I should know.  I told him (as I have before) that if doesn’t want my opinion, then he shouldn’t ask for it.  The argument when on and he got mad and told me not to talk to him that way, blah blah blah. 

I ended up in tears.  Which I hate.  I can’t help it – I always go to the tears when I am frustrated.  And I know, there is no crying in the law, but you know how it is….the tears just come and can be hard to stop.

4:30

I get back to work after a trip to court.  My boss called me into his office where he was sitting with one of his clients, who for the sake of this story we will call Tom.   Tom is in our office a lot, so I know him pretty well.  I am not involved in his case(s).  My boss wanted to run a letter that he was drafting by me.  So he told me about it and asked me to look through a photo album that was sitting on his desk.  I opened it up, and it was filthy pictures Tom and and his ex-girlfriend naked and engaged in various sexual acts.  Mind you, Tom was SITTING RIGHT THERE when I opened this album.  I closed it immediately and said, “I don’t want to look at this”.    

What was my boss thinking??  Why the hell would he ask me to look at that with Tom sitting there?  I was so embarrassed.  I could maybe understand having to look at such pictures if it had a bearing on a case with which I was involved.  I am not at all involved in that case.  My boss just has no sense of boundaries.  But I was disgusted.  I almost cried again when I went back to my office, because I felt disrespected again.

6:30 p.m.

B called me when we were both on our way home from work.  Although he didn’t ask, I told him that I had a horrible day at work, and told him about it.  To which he responded with the ever popular “don’t complain if you aren’t willing to do something about it.”  Of course I know that makes sense.  But it absolutely is not what I wanted to hear.  If that is what I wanted to hear, I would have called my mother.  In fact, I told him he should call my mother and the two of them could bitch about how stupid I am, that way they can get it out of their system.  Jump right into my nightmare, B.

7:15

I got home to find a lovely letter from my health insurance company informing me that since I am so old and have entered an entirely new age range, my premuim will be increased. 

Great. 

Kick me while I’m down, Blue Cross Blue Shield.  As if I didn’t feel bad enough about the 30.   Now I am apparently a much bigger health risk.  Perfect.

8:00 p.m.

Lost.   Sigh.  WTF…..mind time travel??  I’m am very very close to my pain threshhold with this show.  Maybe I’m not evolved enough or imaginative enough or whatever, but the thing is, I watch tv for entertainment.  I like to be spoon-fed with it.  I don’t like to have to try so hard to understand something.  I literally have to read a recap of it every Friday so that I can try to make sense of what I watched.  Cut me a break here, Lost writers.  Please start writing stuff that makes sense.  And if nothing else, give me some more Kate and Sawyer.

Good night, folks.  And thank God tomorrow is Friday. 

It’s Official

{ February 27, 2008 @ 5:31 am } · { aging, birthday, dating, love, neuroses }
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I have kissed my twenties good-bye.  

Although, in all truth, they were pretty boring for the most part, so I don’t know why I miss them already.  Too much wasted youth.

I would revisit the post I wrote several months ago about some goals I set for myself to meet before my birthday, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t do any of them, so I’m not even going to look.  No need to start off on the wrong foot.

But anyway, I believe I’ve reached the whining threshhold on that topic, so I’ll stop.  Since we had the party last weekend, this weekend of my actual birthday was pretty tame.  B and I went out with some friends on Saturday night and then later to the bar.  We toasted out my 20s a couple of times, and it was pretty laid back, but still fun.

When B and I got home, he just gave me a good long hug, and nuzzled my neck, and just held me in his arms for a long moment.  He said he knew that I was dreading the 30, but that I shouldn’t feel bad about it – he still loves me.  I think that is as good as I’m going to get from him, and that’s ok.  It wasn’t the grand declaration of love that my dreams are made of, but it’ll do. 

I only see B on the weekends, so during the week when I’m in bed before I fall asleep, when I wake up, and when I’m daydreaming, I always think of some moment from the last time I saw B – something he said, a way that he touched me, etc.  I go back to that moment all week, until it is replaced with a new one.  I know how incredibly lame that sounds, but it just makes me feel good to think about since I don’t see him that much.  Anyway, that moment (above) is the one I’m thinking about this week.  It was my favorite.

Now, to depart from the warm and fuzzies, I have a disgusting litte story about some new sheets I bought.  I took them out of the package to wash them.  I was talking on the phone to B at the time, and I was absentmindedly picking at them, when it occurred to me that I just picked out several long hairs from the sheets.  Gross.  I mentioned it to B, but I thought, oh well, I’m getting ready to wash them anyway, so it should be fine.  But then when I got off the phone, I shook them out to get them unfolded before throwing them in the washing machine.  I notice there was something crusty all over the fitted sheet.  I literally gagged in my mouth.  How gross is that?  I’m pretty sure I have chlamydia now, just from the contact.  But I did wash my hands really well right away, so hopefully that helped. 

30ish

{ February 20, 2008 @ 3:26 am } · { aging, birthday, family, friends, life, love, relationships }
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So I am turning 30 on Sunday, a fact, which, if you’ve been paying attention, has been often lamented in my blog.  My dad, stepmom, and sister will be celebrating my birthday in Cabo, but because of a trial I have starting the week after, I am not able to go.  So my mom planned to come into town on Thursday and stay the weekend.  But on Wednesday of last week, she called and told me that they was coming tomorrow (last Thursday) instead of this Thursday.  Yikes. 

All I could think was that I needed to get home right away and clean my house.  But then I though, wait, why the hell are they coming a week early?  And who is “they” anyway?  It was supposed to just be my mom.  Anyway, as it turns out, my mom planned a surprise birthday party for me on Saturday.  But it was taking place back home, not here where I live.  So she had to tell me because she really didn’t have a way to get me there otherwise.   Basically everyone I know was in on the secret. 

Including B.  So I texted him and told him that he was in big trouble and that we were going to have a talk about the circle of trust, and who is in the circle of trust (me and him) and who is not (my mother).  Really it is more of a line than a circle, but whatever. 

So then I was all in a panic.  Who was coming to this party?  I had to find something to wear, and I need to have my highlights done, and on and on and on.  Oh, and apparently B would now be meeting my entire family all at once.  Yikes.  I wasn’t ready.  Mind you, he hadn’t even met any of my parents (I have 4) or my sister.  Let alone aunts, uncles, cousins, grandma, etc.  So I was feeling a little overwhelmed (which I think contributed to how upset I felt about V-Day). 

My sister flew in on Friday night, and on Saturday, B came over to my house, picked us up and drove us back home for the party.   

B had booked a room for us at the same hotel where all of the out-of-town guests were staying….including all of my parents.  Even though I am thisclose to 30 years old, I still feel like awkward about telling my dad that I’m sharing a hotel room with my boyfriend.  But whatever. 

Anyway, the party was wonderful.  So much fun.  All of my friends, a lot of my family, and we just a really good time all around.  It just made me feel special, especially since a lot of the guests had to travel from out of town.  And my mom is fantastic, planning the whole thing for me from halfway across the country.  She loves me.   

AND I got several spa gift certificates….ahhhh, I do so love a good massage.  I think I might schedule a massage for this weekend on my actual birthday.  And maybe a pedi too.

Wallowing

{ January 21, 2008 @ 4:07 am } · { aging, dating, goals, is it just me?, life, neuroses, random thoughts, what am I doing with my life?, worries }
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I’m still in a funk. 

I had a dream on Friday night.  B and I were (inexplicably) at a street fair in Cincinnati.  We don’t live anywhere near Cincinnati.  But anyway, there were hoards of people, and somehow we got separated.  I don’t remember how, but I do remember it was his fault.  So I looked around for him for a while, and then I called him and asked him where he was, but before he could answer, my cell phone battery went dead.  So I kept walking around and around and around trying to find him – for hours.  I was crying and was really frustrated, and I couldn’t even borrow a stranger’s phone to call him because I don’t even know his number (the hazard of never actually dialing phone numbers anymore).   I woke up without having found him and I was actually crying in my sleep. 

So who cares about dreams, right?  But when I woke up, I could hear B’s voice in my head saying, in that I’m-talking-to-a-child” voice, “well, you should have charged your phone last night”.

 So when I think about getting more serious with B, I start to feel a little panicked.  What it boils down to is that I’m not sure I bring enough to the table. 

 I am not quite the responsible citizen that B is:  I don’t charge my cell phone every night, I don’t go to the mechanic as soon as my “service engine soon” light comes on, I almost always let my gas tank get to “E” before I go to fill up, I don’t go to the dentist every 6 months, I don’t have life, renter’s, or dental insurance, I don’t clean my bathroom every Thursday, and I don’t have a 401(k).  The list goes on and on. 

Furthermore, I have no money or assets to speak of.  In fact, I come with student loan debt somewhere in the six figures, and a credit score that is less than perfect. 

I guess I’m not sure why someone would want to be with me, outside of just some good times.  I mean, really be with me, share a life and responsibilities with me.  I still feel like a child in that regard, and I thought I’d be smarter by the time I got to this age. 

*Sigh*

Thirty something…

{ January 18, 2008 @ 3:21 am } · { aging, goals, is it just me?, life, neuroses, random thoughts, what am I doing with my life?, work, worries }
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So today my friend asked me how I feel about turning 30 in a month.  My mood went from cheerful to depressed in about 10 seconds flat. 

Not great, that’s how I feel.  Like I’m still perpetually behind the eight ball.   Which seemed ok, I guess, during my twenties (not that I liked it).   I look around to see what I have to show for my nearly 30 years, and what I find, folks?  It ain’t much.     

I didn’t make enough of my twenties.  I spent too much time being self-conscious and not enough time enjoying life.  Too much time playing bit parts in the lives of others and too little time making something of my own life.  Too much time in my head and not enough time out in the world – meeting new people, breathing in the fresh air and lifting my face to the sun.    And I didn’t appreciate my beautiful youthful skin the way I should have – the way I would now if I had it back.  Regrettably, I allowed those years to just pass by me.  Those years are coming to a close and I’ve only just begun to enjoy them.

 I don’t mean to be all melodramatic, like 30 is so old or that the end of my life is closing in (although one never knows).

It’s just…..not only am I not where I thought I would be when I was 30, I’m not where I realistically should be.  When one is 15 or 20, you have an idea of where you should be at 30, but I don’t know how realistic it really is.  I’ve been out of school for almost 5 years now, but I still feel like a student.  For that matter, I still live like a student.  I still live in the same small apartment, still drive the same car, I’m not married, I don’t have children – my life is still all about me.  The only thing different is that my parents no longer support me (regrettably) and now I actually have to pay my student loans instead of just taking them out (DEFINITELY regrettable).   I just haven’t come far enough.  It has been years since my friends all passed certain milestones (getting married, having children, buying homes), and I feel like I am not any closer to any of that than I ever have been. 

I am the most educated person I know (outside of my step-father), and the least wealthy.  I have all the tools I need, I just have been too lazy about getting ahead in the world.

*Sigh*

Clearly I’m just having a pity party wherein I lament all the things I do not have.  Allow me a moment please.  In my heart I know that I have more than 90% of the world’s population.  It is just easy to lose perspective because I don’t know that 90% of the population.  I guess I need to do some volunteering and spend more time doing something with/for those who are less privileged.  Although my work is pretty much entirely with people who are down on their luck in some way.  And to think those people turn to me for advice and assistance.  Ha!

Anyway.

Oh, and I was reading the local bar association newspaper, and I read through the obituaries, and then I started to notice that most of the deceased people were either in their 50s or 60s.  I’m not thinking the law profession is a good place to be if one is looking to live a long life.  Yikes.

This 30 stuff is messing with my head.