Archive for is it just me?

I’m bringing sexy back…

{ July 17, 2008 @ 1:42 am } · { clothing, is it just me?, neuroses, random thoughts, sex, size }
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When was the first time you felt sexy?  That you had an awareness of your body?

As I was driving home from work today, I saw a group of kids, they were walking, so I’m assuming they were younger than 16.  Anyway, one of them was wearing a form-fitting shirt and seemed very self-possessed, and I suddenly flashed back to the first time I had such an awareness of my body. 

It was when I was 15.  Now, prior to that time I was not completely innocent.  I had made out with boys, had been probably to about 2nd base.  Well, rather, I had allowed a boy to get to my second base, I had never actually touched a boy.  Mostly because it had never even occurred to me. 

Its not that I hadn’t thought about my looks, because of course I had.  I worried about my hair and my clothes and the little bit of makeup that I knew how to put on.  I knew the boys thought I was cute.  But I had not conceived that I could possibly be sexy. 

Anyway, so my best friend came over and brought some clothes with her.  We were going to the County Fair, and of course, one must look good to do so.  I’m kind of embarrassed at the thought of it now, but it was the place to be back then.  So I had these brand new shorts that were hip huggers and I thought they were just soooo cool.  I put on one of my friend’s tops and looked in the mirror.  Oh my gosh, I thought, this is tight!  It wasn’t really tight, but much more form-fitted than the t-shirts (this was before the time when t-shirts came with a fitted female cut) I normally wore.  I asked my friend, “are you sure I should wear this?  Do I look fat?  Is my stomach hanging out?”  We decided that it was fine, and away we went. 

So we went to the fair and met up with a couple of boys that we use to hang out with.  One of them really noticed me and told me I looked really good in the outfit.  He wanted to get together with me after that, but I said no thanks, he had never liked me before, so really all he liked was me in my best friend’s clothes. 

But it gave me a sense of empowerment that I hadn’t had previously and was my first taste of feeling sexy.  It is a feeling that I never fully relaxed into, and it is a way that I never really feel anymore.   Sometimes I wish I still had that feeling.  And sometimes I wish I never had that awareness of my body, because it can lead to too much worrying about it, placing to much emphasis on it.  What if my arms are too flabby, or my boobs too big, my legs too short? 

Anyway.

I guess that’s why they call it the blues…

{ June 25, 2008 @ 4:32 am } · { dating, is it just me?, life, love, neuroses, relationships, unattractive }
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SF (and Elton John)- thanks for the title.  Didn’t mean to steal it from you, but it fit. 

Kinda blue today.

I don’t know why, specifically.  A combination of not feeling all that well and stress at work.

But whenever I’m in this kind of mood, I tend to take it out on my relationship with B.  All of my negative feelings surface and I focus on them.

I need this boy to love me in a way that I don’t think he does.  I want him to be captivated by my words, find me beautiful, think that I’m brilliant and funny, basically adore me and be proud to be with me. 

Ok, so maybe that’s a little bit too much.  I’m a real person with real flaws, and I don’t expect them to go unnoticed.  But at the very least, I would like him to, no, I need him to be interested in what I’m talking about, engage in conversation with me, understand my sense of humor, and in general, be happy to be with me.  I don’t mind conflict or argument (I am an attorney, for Pete’s sake, so I can handle it), and I think you need to have some conflict in your relationship so that wants and needs can be more defined and understood.

It’s not that B isn’t a good boyfriend.  He is.  He treats me very respectfully, and he would do anything for me.  But I don’t always think he gets me.  Sometimes I feel like I’m just someone for him to be with.  Like his love for me has nothing to do with me personally.  I would be afraid to ask him what it is that he likes/loves about me, because I’m very nervous that he wouldn’t be able to come up with an answer. 

Part of the problem is that it is not his nature to really discuss his feelings.  I asked him about a month ago about affection in his family.  Basically what he told me is that there is none.  His parents never showed him physical affection or told him that they loved him.  They are nice people, and certainly do love their family (and he knows that), but like a lot of people, it just isn’t their way to openly express it. 

My family is not entirely different.  My dad is affectionate, my mom isn’t.  My relationship with her doesn’t suffer for it – we are very close.  And she is better now than she used to be, but she isn’t a huggy,  PTA type of mother.  My dad on the other hand (as well as his extended family) is affectionate.  He liked to hug me as a child, and hold my hand and tuck me in at night. 

So as B and I had this conversation, he said, “oh, so you are more like your dad.”  And I had never really thought of myself that way.  Because affection is not that easy for me to give in a romantic relationship.  I have to get it before I can get it.  The more comfortable I am, the easier it is, but I don’t jump into a relationship quickly, physically or emotionally.   And B is reasonably phsyically affectionate.  It comes in waves.  He was definitely more affectionate at the beginning our of relationship than he is now.    And so I’ve become fairly affectionate with him, and now I do a lot more touching than he does.

Anyway, I got off track there.  Anyway, I know that just because B doesn’t express his feeling for me doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have them.  Of course, he tells me that he loves me.  But in a more perfunctory way, at certain times, like when I’m leaving.  Not in a “I’m really feeling it right now” kind of way.  And that is ok, I don’t necessarily need him saying the words all the time.  But I need to feel it somehow.  We have moments when I feel it.  But I’m not sure it all adds up to enough. 

I need to know that there are specific things that he likes about me.  I need to know that he finds me attractive.  I need to know that he wants to be with me, that he misses me when we are apart all week every week.  I need our phone conversations during the week to be at least a little more than just a recitation of our days.  I hate to fish for compliments.  I find it humiliating to ask if he finds me attractive, if he misses me, to make a joke about him finding me charming.   But I do it, because sometimes I need to hear it.  But when I do fish for it?  Still NOTHING. 

For example, here is an exchange we had tonight.  And believe me, I’m embarrassed even to write this.  But anyway:

Me:  I still haven’t taken my dress (for a wedding this weekend) in to get hemmed yet.  I definitely need to do that tomorrow.

B:  Why didn’t you do that today?

Me:   Well, just because when I came home from work I wasn’t feeling well, so I took a nap, and just didn’t end up to getting around to it.  Plus, I feel self-conscious when I have to put on a dress for the tailor to pin up.  I’m always worried they are thinking that I shouldn’t be wearing this dress.  I know that is stupid, considering I’ll be wearing the dress in public on Saturday, but I can’t help it.

B:  I’m sure they’ve seen everything.

Me:  I know.  But I don’t want them to put me in that same category:  gnarly people they have to deal with.

B:  I’m sure its fine.

Me:  Do you think I’m gnarly?

B:  No.

Me:…..do you think I’m cute?

B:  Yeah (in an unconvincing tone of voice).

Now, mind you, I know my part of that conversation was nothing to brag about.  I’m not saying that I don’t have my issues.   But seriously, the best compliment I ever get from him is “you look nice”.  And that doesn’t come very often, believe me.

I truly don’t think I’m needy.  I don’t need him to hang all over me, I don’t need him to shower me with compliments.  But I need SOMETHING.  Anything, really.  Some spark of life, some indication that I mean something to him. 

I know that he loves me in some sense.  I know that he sees me in his future.   We’ve made vacations plans, he’s talked about us moving in together at some point, things like that.  But I need to be more than just a person to be with. 

I know, I need, I need, I need.  I don’t mean to make it sound like the relationship is all about me.  But my blog is.   And honestly, if he needs something from me that I’m not giving, I would be happy to hear it, really.  I would honestly be happy that he gives our relationship some thought, as well as thinking about what he is looking for.  I don’t want to be unreasonable.  And having very little experience with relationships, I just don’t know.  What is reasonable and what isn’t?  I know relationships have ups and downs and everything is not all candlelight and roses and grand gestures of love.  Like I said, I know still waters run deep.  And I understand that not everyone expresses their feelings very freely and openly.  I certainly don’t.  But I gotta have something. 

Ignore me.  I’m just in a mood.

Cohabitation?

{ June 5, 2008 @ 4:35 am } · { dating, is it just me?, life, love, neuroses, random thoughts, relationships }
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After my last post, several of you dear readers asked me what I think about the possibility of moving in with B.

My feelings on the subject are somewhat mixed at this point.

On the pro side? Well, first and foremost, we would get to be together a lot more. We would be more intimate, more honest, more real, and learn a lot of things about each other that we don’t already know. Our lives would be more together, and not so clearly his life and my life. And that would be great. I want to be able to share myself with someone, with B. My life for so long has been just about me.

Some of those things fall on the con side as well. I guess I’m afraid to be that completely intimate and open. Of course, I’m always myself when I’m around B and try to be honest about everything. But still, the times that we share right now are easy and carefree. We don’t share any responsibilities.

When I think about the fact that there are a lot of things I don’t know about him and a lot of things he doesn’t know about me, it makes me very nervous. And not really because of the things I don’t know about him, but mostly because of the things he doesn’t know about me. It’s nothing I could say in so many words, nothing specifically I have been keeping from him, but I just don’t think I’m a picnic to live with.

I’m a slob. But I always clean before he comes over here, so he doesn’t really know that.

Also? I’ve been living completely alone for 8 years. I’ve gotten used to it. I like it. I can do what I want when I want, or nothing at all if I so choose. I can leave the dishes in the sink for tomorrow if I want to. I can sit around in various states of undress. I can watch what I want to watch on tv, I can eat what I want and when I want, I can go to bed as early or late as I want, and I can wake up as early or late as I want. My money is my money and my debts are my debts.

Geez, selfish much? I know, I know. And like I said earlier – I never intended my whole life to be entirely and wholly about ME.

So anyway, despite the fact that I just spent about 5 paragraphs being all negative about it, if everything fell into place (or rather we made everything fall into place), I would probably move in with him. Because otherwise, what am I doing? Things will never really progress past a certain point with this relationship if I don’t. I’m sure it would be great, but I’m just a cautious person by nature, and I have trouble making even the smallest decisions. I’m so afraid of making mistakes. So that decision would be a big one for me.

I guess I had always pictured me moving up BY him at some point (but still in my own place) and easing into it a little more. Who knows. It just depends on timing and any number of other factors.

Later!

Guilty Pleasures

{ May 14, 2008 @ 3:19 am } · { is it just me?, lists, random thoughts }
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Ok, we all have guilty pleasures.    Things we are embarrassed to admit in mixed company. 

Here are some of mine:

*The Hills

*Keeping Up With the Kardashians (because this flat-ass girl is intrigued by such nice big shapely asses). 

*The Bachelor (this is probably the one I’m most ashamed about)

*UsWeekly

*Cheetos

*Cold Stone Cake Batter Ice Cream with oreos and caramel

*Purse parties (ie fake bags)

*Smutty romance novels (as long as Fabio is not on the cover)

*Sleeping in the nude

*The hip abductor/adductor machines at the gym (it just feels good)

*Singing at the top of my lungs in the car (seriously, I’m good)

That’s all I can think of right now.

So what are yours?

I’ve got it under control…

{ April 17, 2008 @ 4:15 am } · { boobs, dating, is it just me?, life, love, neuroses, random thoughts, relationships, worries }
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I have a hard time allowing someone to take care of me.  It feels like giving in, somehow.  Like admitting that I can’t do it all, and showing my weakness(es). 

I’ve been having some car trouble for quite some time now, and have just been ignoring it.  I really detest spending money on car repairs, so if it isn’t literally broken, then I won’t fix it.  But it has been getting worse and worse, and B has been riding my ass like Zorro to get it fixed (incidentally, he is the type of guy who takes his car in to get looked at the minute his service engine soon light comes on.  Um…yeah, opposites attract, right?)  He explained the problem to his friend, who is a mechanic, and he basically said that it sounded like a problem wherein I can expect my wheel(s) to fall off sometime in the very immediate future.  Perfect.

So I had to get it fixed.  And for some reason, every time I think about getting my car fixed, I get immediately overwhelmed with the details – mostly, who do I take my car to?  As a woman, it is hard to trust a mechanic not to take advantage of my mechanical stupidity.  So B wanted me to bring my car up for his friend to fix.  This presents a few logistical problems, as he lives about 45 minutes away from me, and I need my car to get around. 

But I didn’t really have a choice, and I was already at B’s house on Sunday night, so we decided that I would take my car in to his friend on Monday morning, and then I would rent a car.  B wanted me to just drop him off at work and just take his car, but I really really didn’t want to inconvenience him.  I don’t like other people to be bothered with my problems.

But then we went to the rental car agency, and the representative asked me for my driver’s license and credit card.  And then I realized that I had left my driver’s license in my work bag, and I told the guy that.  “Are you serious?” asked B.  Um….yeah.  He clearly doesn’t know what it is like to have to switch bags all the time.  It is not easy, folks!

So anyway, he had to rent the car then, and I just took his car.  Off I went to work, and B called me with the diagnosis within about an hour and a half.   $1000 and a few hours later, I had a fixed car, so I had to drive back up to B’s so that we could do the car switcheroo again.

Anyway, not to make a short story long, but my point was that if I had just followed my instincts, I would have just went to the Honda dealer to get it fixed, figured out how to get from work from there, and probably paid twice as much to get it fixed.  And there would have been a lot of whining involved, I’m sure.  But nobody else would have had to deal with my problem.

But as much as I want to be perfect at taking care of myself, sometimes it feels nice to let someone lighten the load just a little bit, and make the problem solving easier.  And I think it made B feel good to be able to help me, because that is what loved ones are for. 

Once I read a guy’s profile on an online dating website that said something to the effect of “I am looking for a woman who will love me and who will allow me to love her.  It sounds so simple, but it really is hard to find a woman who will let herself be loved.” 

I didn’t quite understand it at the time (and I never emailed him because I thought he was out of my league looks-wise, right Kara?), but I think it is kind of the same thing that I’ve been talking about.  Women are so independent and self-sufficient these days, and have a hard time giving up a little bit of self-control and letting a guy in.  But everyone wants to feel like they are bringing something to the table in a relationship, so I think we (or at least I) need to ease up a little and let them show what they have to give.

Anyway.

On a wholly unrelated note, I still keep getting searches on my blog for “MollyElizabeth’s boobs” and now I got one for “Kara’s boobs”.  What gives?  I mean, I’m sure that Molly Elizabeth and Kara both have fantastic breasts, but you won’t find them here.  And I have to say, I’m a little jealous that you folks aren’t searching out my breasts.  This is my blog, people.  I’m just saying. 

 

Playing dumb….

{ March 13, 2008 @ 3:52 am } · { dating, dirty, friends, indoor sports, is it just me?, observation, relationships, sex }
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So High School Girl wrote a new blog about a new guy that she recently hooked up with.  She said he was everything she was looking for, and that he was ten times better than her last guy, who, though I’ve never met him, I like to refer to as Huge Penis Boy (HPB)(as his member has been much lauded on her blog).  But, oh, despite everything she liked about him, there is one major drawback….he has a live-in girlfriend. 

I thought, hmm…..this sure does sound like ManWhore.  And despite everything I know about him, he never told me his girlfriend lives with him.  He is extremely closed lip about the girlfriend.  Probably because he doesn’t want to ruin any chance he thinks he has for me to sleep with him, should the situation arise.  It won’t.

Anyway, then High School Girl emailed me and asked me what I knew about ManWhore.  Oh…..crap.  What don’t I know about ManWhore (except that the gf lives with him)?  I know far more about ManWhore than I probably should.  More than I would ever discuss, because I kiss my grandmother with this mouth, and trust me, some of the facts are not pretty. 

But I don’t know what to say.  ManWhore is my friend, and though I would never tell her the specifics, do I tell her that he is a slut?  I have no relationship with her, but I feel as though I might owe her some truth, just as a woman.  Obviously she already slept with him, and there is no way to put that horse back in the barn.  However, her blog made it sound like she was interested in him for more than just sex. 

So I’m torn.  Maybe I just play dumb and just say something generic.  Talk about how I know him, blah blah blah.  Not what she’s looking for, but maybe I don’t want to get involved.

But then, he obviously already told her that he has a live-in girlfriend.  So, what’s the confusion?  What does she think he wants with her?  Why even get involved with someone like that – you’ll never get what you want.  I told him I was surprised that he told her about the girlfriend, a fact he hasn’t found fit to mention to me in two years.  He said, well, he thought he would put it all out there, that way if she didn’t like it, she had the opportunity to walk away from him.   He said he laid the ground rules.  I said what, don’t call me, I’ll call you?  Don’t speak unless spoken to?  He said, well, basically yes.  His house is off limits.  He probably won’t return calls or texts, at least in a timely manner.

I thought, who the hell hears these “ground rules” and thinks, “ok, that sounds fine”?   Who takes that kind of shit?  Um….no thanks.  Take your rules and move on.  I have my own rules in a relationship, and they definitely involve answering my calls, or at least returning them.   I am very demanding that way.

Anyway, I haven’t had much to write about lately, so at least ManWhore has provided me some fodder.  I’ll try to do some more exciting things so I have some material. 

You found me!

{ March 7, 2008 @ 6:06 am } · { etiquette, how you found me, is it just me?, observation, random thoughts, what am I doing with my life? }
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I thought it was time to discuss (again) what brings you dear readers to me.  I like to think of myself as someone with important and socially pertinent things to say.  And I want to discuss the topics that you, my readers, are wondering about or want to discuss.  So without further ado, here’s my best stuff:

Ok, there is one thing I want to clear up right away, because this is obviously an important issue to at least five of you who were brought to me by this particular search term.  Because I value my readers, and I’m worried that my lack of knowledge on the subject will turn some of you away forever, I am somewhat reticent to admit that you will find nothing on my blog about “molly elizabeth’s boobs”.  While I do read Molly Elizabeth’s blog, I have never seen her boobs, have never discussed her boobs, and in all truth, have never even wondered about her boobs.  I am kind of wondering now though, because I’m thinking she must have a pretty nice pair, considering the number of times this particular search has come up on my list of searches.  Sorry I can’t help.  Good luck on your search.

While we are on the subject of boobs, I know that one of you found me by looking for “picture of bouquet toss boobs”.  Again, sorry.  You must have been sorely disappointed when you came upon my blog.  I don’t even participate in bouquet tosses.  I avoid ‘em like the plague.  I sure as hell never catch the bouquet with my boobs. 

I’m gonna move on from the boob talk now.  I have many dimensions, people, and I’m not ready to focus my blog on boobs, so I’m going to now take this opportunity to answer some burning questions that you readers have.  I want to help if I can, I don’t want this blog to be all fluff.  I’m all about community service, and this is what I have to contribute:

“Should I be upset if boyfriend text me?”  YES, girl.  Geez, what kind of an asshole are you dating, anyway?   Don’t take that kind of treatment!  What kind of a girl does he think you are?! 

Huh?

“WHY DOES HE CALL EVERY NIGHT?”  I suspect this is from the same girl who asked the above question.  First he texts you, and now he won’t stop calling.  I feel your pain, girl.  And honestly, I don’t have an answer.  I don’t know why your boyfriend wants to communicate with you on a regular basis.  It’s almost like he LIKES you.  Bastard!!  My suggestion is to set boundaries.  Tell him not to speak unless spoken to.  Boyfriends are to be seen and not heard.  And if he can’t play by your rules, ditch him.  No girl should have to put up with that kind of crap.

“What makes somebody your stepsister?”  This is a tricky one, but I will do my best.  This normally occurs when one of your parents marries somebody who has a daughter.  That daughter will be your stepsister.  Happy I could help there. 

“What does dating exclusively mean?”  It means that your boyfriend expects you to date only him.  You might want to clarify that the relationship is MUTUALLY exclusive, though.  Because one never knows, and it doesn’t hurt to ask.

“How do I ignore a stuck-up manwhore?”  This is a tough one for me.  My first inclination is to say that you would ignore him the same way you would ignore any other person, but I’m not sure.  But if you stick to your guns and don’t engage in any sexual activity with him?  He’ll go away.

“I made it to third date, is that good?”  Yes?  To the extent that the datee is someone that you want to date, the more dates you go on, the better.  Just a general rule of thumb.

“Panty mess?”  Wash ‘em.  Maybe twice.

The next few searches weren’t necessarily questions, but there are some I think we should talk about:

“He touched my crotch!”  Well, you go, girl!  I just like this one because of the use of the exclamation point.  But truly, if the touching was unwanted, you can email me and I will be happy to discuss the difference between good touches and bad touches.  I joke, but I started to get a little nervous that this search was by a child and that I was making light of a serious situation.  Or some girl who was touched inappropriately by her boss.  There are laws about these kind of things and I am very familiar with them.  But anyway, I hope your experience was good.

In a related matter, one of my readers “gets turned on when [her] crotch is touched”.  Well, at least you know it works.  That’s good stuff.

“Gift for boss who is leaving”  Please.  I wish.  I would buy him a fantastic gift if only he would just LEAVE.  I am not so fortunate.

“The guy I like asked me to watch a movie.”  What?!  What is this guy’s problem anyway?  Guys expect so much these days.  Just be firm – if you don’t watch a movie, then don’t.  No means no.  Was it porn?

“This guy bit me when he kissed me.”  Vampire.  That is the only explanation I can think of.  And sometimes biters only learn their lesson when you bite them back.  Do what you gotta go. 

And finally, this last one has me a little perplexed – “pooping on purpose in diapers”.  Well…..hmm.  At least it was on purpose?  Congrats on your bowel control?  I think you might be ready to make a trial run without the diapers.  Give it a go.  Report back.

Thanks, readers!!!!  Keep ‘em coming.  I like to be of service, and these type of inquiries help to guide me in future posts – it helps to know what you are looking for.  I don’t want to going on and on ad nauseum about my job, my boyfriend, my age, etc. when there are other importan issues that need to be discussed.

Respect?

{ March 4, 2008 @ 4:24 am } · { dating, indoor sports, is it just me?, neuroses, random thoughts, relationships, sex }
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 A while ago I wrote a post about a girl I knew in high school who writes very naughty blogs on her myspace page for everyone to see.  They aren’t even set to private.  Anyway, at the time I relayed how my friend ManWhore got all excited when I told him about it, and he sent her an email right away.  That was a couple of months ago.  I should probably link to it here, because I know all of you readers are just SO interested.  Anyway, here it is.

So today ManWhore told me that she has been chatting him up lately.  And I know from her blog that she is getting tired of her current FB, because despite his very large package, he very rarely ever does anything for her because she always gives him a BJ and then he is done (interesting to note:  her AUNT was the first commenter on that specific post).  Anyway, ManWhore asked me if it would bother me if (when) he hooks up with her. 

Of course it wouldn’t bother me.  But it did make me feel a little strange.  Once upon a time, ManWhore and I had a little thing…..

I’ve mentioned on here that I didn’t date for a really long time.  A long, LONG time.  About 8 years.  And not on purpose.  It was sad times.  But anyway, so my friend, who didn’t know ManWhore enough to know that he was, well, a whore, attempted to hook me up with him.  He lives kind of far away, so we had a lot of email/chat interactions for quite some time before we ever met.  Over chat we were a great match.  Similar personalities (in some ways), similar sense of humor, etc.  We clicked pretty well.  He didn’t tell me that he had such a past (or present), and I guess I thought he was like me.  Lonely.  Looking for something.   

Well, so he came to see me one day.  Drove quite a long way to see me on a work night.  And he had certain expectations, which definitely went unmet.  I guess he thought I was kidding when I said I wasn’t that kind of girl.  No matter how much you talk to someone over the internet/phone, it is still brand new when you meet in person, and it was fairly awkward.   So anyway, I didn’t sleep with him that night. 

It was after that that he told me, reluctantly, that he has quite the list of conquests.  Literally, a list.  A very very LONG list.  Meanwhile, I had a measly 2 people on my list (which hasn’t gotten long enough to memorialize on paper).  And eventually I did sleep with him.  Don’t judge, readers, it had been 8 YEARS.  So I had to get back in the saddle somehow.  But it never was the same for me once I realized that he wasn’t like me, lonely and looking for something more, so I knew what I was getting into.   I was just one in a line of girls/women that he charmingly chatted up with only the hopes of getting laid.  And that’s ok. 

But the point of my post is that though I was somewhat disappointed (at the time) that things didn’t pan out, I was more disappointed that he didn’t see that I wasn’t that kind of girl.  I never saw myself that way – like just any other girl.  I don’t know why.  I thought that my self esteem (as it related to dating/relationships with men) was pretty low.    I hadn’t been asked out on a date or even looked at in many, many years.  I didn’t have high expectations for relationships, but even with the lack of attention from the opposite sex, I thought of myself as too special to just treat like I was just some random girl, to just be used for sex.  I was actually surprised that he thought of me that way.  I never saw myself that way, as a girl who could be easily dismissed, that one wouldn’t want more with.

I guess even though I’ve had some very low years being lonely and feeling bad about myself, I am lucky that I do respect myself in that way.  And I don’t know if I would have realized that I actually felt that way about myself if it weren’t for the situation with ManWhore.  And quickly after I realized ManWhore wasn’t the kind of guy I was looking for, I went and started the online dating thing, because I had found some confidence.  

ManWhore and I are now great friends.  He is actually the person I am most open and honest with.  It is so easy because he has absolutely no shame.  And he is thus not judgmental.  And sometimes it is just easier to talk to people who have no link to your real life – don’t know your real friends, will never come into contact with your boyfriend.  So I spill my guts to him.

Do I care if he hooks up with the girl from my high school?  No.  I knew when I became a number (I asked him that my name be omitted) on his list that there were many women before me, and there would be many to come.  But it just reminded me of how strange it made me feel when I realized that not every guy was going to understand that I wasn’t just another random girl.  And then I felt sad that this girl from HS apparently doesn’t feel that way about herself. 

Is it just me?

{ February 20, 2008 @ 3:40 am } · { dirty, do your job, is it just me? }
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So B and I checked into the hotel when we went back home for my party.  We took a nap, did some other hotel room activities, and then I got up to shower to get ready for the party.  I started my shower, and when I reached for my shampoo, I noticed a whole CLUMP of long black curly hair hanging on the side of the shower.  I started freaking out, and not though I was not exactly screaming, I was definitely making noise and calling for B.  B  came running in, finding me half wet and half wrapped in a towel, shrinking away from the wall.  He thought I saw a rat or that there was “a big turd floating in the bathtub”. 

He thought I was overreacting.  He grabbed some kleenex and wiped the hair off for me.  I would have gotten completely out and called the front desk, but I was, after all, wet and naked, so I just finished my shower.  Needless to say, I was ranting to B once I finished my shower, and he told me to calm down, that it wasn’t that big of a deal.  I told him I was going to complain about it, but he didn’t want me to.  So I just waited for him to get in the shower before calling the front desk. 

Then my mom called, and I told her about it, and she told me to just relax and get ready.  

 But come on, that is seriously gross, right?  I cannot handle other people’s hair (unless it is attached to their head).  I used to freak out when my stepsisters put their hair on the shower walls, and I know them and their hair.  But a stranger’s hair??  *Shudder*

No more whining (for today)

{ January 23, 2008 @ 1:43 am } · { dating, is it just me?, life, neuroses, random thoughts, relationships, what am I doing with my life?, worries }
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Ok, dear readers, you will be glad to know that I’ve taken a break from the whining.  I can’t promise it will last long, as I do have a tendency toward whining.  Sometimes I don’t even when I’m doing it.  My dad has a video from our family trip to DC when I was in about second grade, and I hate to watch it because even when you can’t see me on the screen, you can hear me whining.  And when I was in high school, my history teacher would always say, “would you like some cheese with that whine, J?”  Asshole.  I like to pretend I’m better now, but there is a very strong likelihood that I’m not. 

Anyway.

I called up B after I wrote the last post, blubbering like a fool about how I’m not sure I’m good enough for him.  I felt sorry for him – he had no idea what I was talking about, considering we had just talked about 30 minutes prior and I had been fine.    I told him that he is so responsible, and I am not.  He said, well, but different personalities complement each other.  He said, “I’m responsible, and you’re….”.  Irresponsible, I finished for him.  Which I’m not sure is a good complement to any personality trait.  Which of course is not what he meant, but I, like most women (right??), like to put words in my man’s mouth. 

Anyway, it is never fun to have a witness to our weaker and possibly irrational moments, but ultimately I think one needs to open up to the person they are with.  So in the interest of full disclosure, I think it is probably better for B to know I have these worries and crazy moments.  And he’s so cute.  When we hung up, he kept asking with his best soft voice if I was going to be ok, and he texted me the next day to ask if I was feeling better.  I think B has a lot to learn about women – he doesn’t understand that we have these moments and they leave as quickly as they come. 

So, onward and upward.  Well, onward anyway. 

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