Archive for love

Movin’ On Up (Or Not)

{ April 28, 2009 @ 3:52 am } · { love, moving in, relationships }
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I feel sort of hopeless about the moving in together thing.  Like it may never happen.

I already knew there were obstacles.  Like I discussed in my last post.  He has a condo, he has to sell it, that could take a long time, blah blah blah.  You’ve heard it all before. 

But I was at his place over the weekend, and he was showing me some houses that he was looking at online.  And I said, “Babe, do you anticipate buying a house that is currently on the market[?]“, because it seems impossible to me that it could all happen quickly enough.  We started talking about the whole thing.

Then we came to money issues.  Namely, how the hell does one come up with 20% down?  I have quite a bit of money saved, but certainly not 20%.  He has equity in his condo, so when he sells it, he’ll have that money.  It might get us close to 20%.  But not quite.  So then he started talking about how I might be eligible for first time home-buyers programs.  Ok, fine.

But I had to break it to him that I don’t intend for us to jointly purchase property without any kind of commitment in our relationship.  I’ve been reluctant to bring it up, because I don’t want to seem like I’m pushing him into something or that I’m punishing him for not having asked me to marry him yet.  I just don’t think it is a smart idea.  Because if we break up?  We’ll basically have to go through a divorce without ever having been married.  We will have to sell the house, or one of us will have to buy the other one out of the property.  A huge mess. 

So then what are our options?  He could buy the house alone.  But then he will get approved for much less of a mortgage since I won’t be on it.  So our housing choices will be much more limited.  Ugh. 

Am I shooting myself in the foot here?  I don’t want to make it more difficult, but I also don’t want to jump the gun. Buying a house is a big deal for me.  Moving in together is a big deal for me.  I don’t take it lightly. 

So anyway, he basically said, well, I don’t think we should make more of a commitment until we live together.  And I understand that, I do.  I could go either way, myself.  I don’t mind living together before getting married, but I could do it the other way too. 

But the fact that he is so adamant about us living together before getting engaged or married sort of reinforces my point, I think.  What is basically boils down to is that he isn’t sure.  And why do I want to tie myself financially to someone who isn’t sure?

I don’t love it that he is still unsure, but I do understand it.  He’s just being careful and cautious, and that is not a bad thing.  I’m not one to rush into anything either, but it really is getting to be time.  I need to know that this is going where I want it to go, and that it isn’t going to take several more years to get there. 

We haven’t talked about marriage really at all because he brought it up and I didn’ t want bring it up because I didn’t want to be THAT girl.  Always talking (whining) about getting married.  I didn’t want to push him (or anyone) into marrying me.  It’s just so cliche – you know?   But as my friend recently reminded me, “you have to be some form of THAT girl.  THAT girl?  Is married.  You are not.  Do the math.”

I also didn’t want to be THAT girl who is desperately listening to her biological clock ticking.  Because we know how it ends for that girl (Mary and Bachelor Bob, anyone?).  In three and a half hears I will be 35, and I think we all know what that means (unless you happen to be male, dear reader).  I’ve never been concerned with things happening at a certain pace or in a certain time, but now I find myself concerned about it.  I want things to happen totally organically, but maybe that isn’t realistic.  I don’t know. 

I know it will all work out, I just want it to be sooner rather than later.  And I’m getting impatient.

You have to give a little, take a little….

{ December 15, 2008 @ 5:56 am } · { family, holidays, love, relationships }
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I’m just now realizing that being in a relationship means that I have to compromise, which essentially just boils down to this little fact:  I don’t always get what I want.

I never said I wasn’t selfish, folks. 

The current compromise is Christmas.  This will be nothing new to those of you who have been in adult relationships before.  Christmas is a tricky time….how to fit everybody in?  A common problem, but one I’ve never had to concern myself with before.  And actually it isn’t really going to be a problem, things actually worked out easier this year than they normally do.  I don’t have to travel, which is pretty much uprecendented for me considering my dad lives one state over and my mom live half the country away.  Miraculously, this year it worked out that everyone is coming my way. 

The only wrinkle in the plan is that there is some overlap between B’s family’s get together and mine.  Nothing we can’t handle, but I’m not going to lie, I sometimes wish I didn’t have to deal with it.  Terrible, I know. 

I just still feel awkward around his family.  And we will be going to his mom’s house, which is about 2 hours away and will be spending two nights there.  I don’t mind it, we’ve done that before, but this time his brother, sister-in-law, nephew and niece will be there too.  Also no big deal, but I feel super awkward about the morning thing.  I feel weird getting out of bed with in my pajamas, with bed head and morning breath, and hanging out with the fam.  Not to mention that I really hate getting ready at other people’s houses.  I take a long time.  And then feel like everyone is waiting on me.  I’m just the sort of person who doesn’t go anywhere without a shower, full make-up, and my hair done.  (And trust me, this sounds more impressive than it is…..if you saw me you would never realize how much time and effort I put into the whole deal).  Not that it is a big deal for people to see me in the morning without make-up or whatever, but I don’t know, it feels too intimate somehow.  Am I alone here, people? 

Anyway, I’m trying to get him to agree to come home the second night instead of staying over, and that way I’ll only be there for one morning and only his mom will be there then.  She’s already been through my morning routine.  Also my dad and family is coming here the next day so I’d rather get an early start with them than spend the morning at B’s mom’s house and still have the drive home.   I’m very happy that B and I will be together for all of the Christmas festivities with both of our families, I just wish it didn’t interfere with the time I have with my family.  I shouldn’t complain, because this year is going to be easier than most years I’m sure.

I’m trying to keep the selfishness all in my head.  Because I want to be fair.  And I don’t want to give him and/or his family short shrift, because they’ve had a rough year and it is their first Christmas without his dad. 

Oh!  And B decided that our mothers should meet.  I said, well, that’s fine, but I don’t think this will be the time because my mom will only be in town for essentially one day.  But it worked out that she will be joining us (me, my mom, stepdad, sister, and B) for Christmas Eve.  Yikes.  I’m sure it will be fine, I’m just not good at mixing groups.  I think it will be a little awkward, but as long as everyone (read:  my sister and step-dad) behaves themselves, it should be manageable. 

Anyway, enough about me and my self-centeredness.   I’m making myself sound bad.

I’m finding that buying B Christmas presents this year is much easier than last year.  I guess I just know him so much better.  I’m actually enjoying it.    And I’m interested to see if it is easier for him too.  Remember last year, folks, with the Crocs??  Shudder.  Anyway, I have been confining my shopping to late evenings, because I just don’t have the patience for the ALL the people.  And the traffic.  Ugh. 

I am already regretting one gift I bought for him.   I was shopping at Linens and Things, which is one its last couple of weeks in business.  Everything 50% off.  So I saw this stupid football snack bowl.  Shaped like a football, has a little button that when you push it, the top swings open and the football theme song comes on.  A dumb gift, ok, I know.  But it was cheap and kind of funny.  But it occurs to me now that I’m not going to find it nearly as charming should we combine households at some point.  B will want to display it or use it at dinner parties.  But all sales are final, so he’s getting it.  If we move in together I’ll just trash it with his hideously ugly coffee table.  Or banish it to the basement with all the other sports paraphernalia that he has sitting around his house now.  I’ll figure it out.

Only 5 more days until my boss takes a 3 week vacay for the holidays!  I enjoy the time apart from him almost as much as I enjoy the holidays themselves…

A little catch-up

{ November 4, 2008 @ 4:05 am } · { dating, family, friends, life, love }
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Hey!

I briefly considered doing NaPoBloMo (or however you say that – I find the name seriously annoying), but then I thought, “Seriously, [J]?”  I consider myself lucky if I can dream up enough to say once every two weeks.  I’ve never quite found a way to turn the mundane into something entertaining.  Is it wrong that the only reason I ever really wish for a more exciting life is because it would give me something to write about?

After my last post, Jess asked me how I’ve been doing (due in no small part, I’m sure, to the fact that I’ve barely been writing).  

I’ve been fine.  Same old, same old, you know?  Same job, same house, same boy.

I participated in a couple of breast cancer events during October.  Of course, I do it because it is a good cause, but also, it gives me an opportunity to hang out with the women in life.  I did a walk with some friends (one a survivor) and another with my family (grandma is a two time survivor).  And don’t get me wrong, I love the men in my life beyond measure, but there is just something different and wonderful about spending good time with the ladies.  More giggly, more open, no shame. 

Plus I love pink stuff.

What else……

The last few days here have been GORGEOUS.  Sunny, warm, beautiful fall colors.  But man, it is HOT at work.  Ugh.  Ridiculous hot up in there.  I have a window in my office, so it is a little better.  But my poor clerk out in the front office sweats his ass off, and then it starts to smell like a boy’s dorm in there.  Not great.

B and I had an argument this weekend.  More specifically, I was mad at him.  We very rarely argue, mostly because he makes it SO HARD.  He does not engage in an argument.  And then I end up wondering if I’m nuts, being an irrational female.  

Truthfully, though, I know that isn’t the case.  I very rarely get mad at him.  Annoyed, yes.  Mad, no. 

Anyway, like I said, it is really hard to argue with him.  I think he doesn’t engage in it because he has absolutely no clue what to do/say when I get mad.  I have never seen a more deer-in-the-headlights look.   It is totally classic.  So he goes silent, and then a minute later will try to say something funny, hoping, I think, that I’ll forget and move on.  Sometimes I do. 

Yesterday I didn’t.  I kept at it.  Told him I was mad and why.  Then he left to go get some stuff we needed to cook breakfast.  He came back and tried to make regular small talk.  I let him know again that I was mad.  While we were cooking, I went on a very slight rampage during which he just stared at me with the look discussed above.  Didn’t say anything.  We sat down for breakfast and he was chit-chatting away.  I told him, “what you did hurt my feelings”.  I got a very begrudging apology (finally at least that).  This continued and he realized I wasn’t going to just drop it. 

I told him that his apology was one of the more pathetic ones I had heard lately.  Then he told me that he felt attacked and that I was overreacting.  I, of course, turned on the waterworks (which always pisses me off), and left the room for a little while. 

But usually when we argue I just end up feeling sorry for him because he just has no idea what to do/say.  Eventually I got over it and told him if he thought that was an overreaction, he had a few things to learn about women.  And my favorite part was how happy/relieved he was that I wasn’t mad anymore.  We had a nice make-up, and then when I wasn’t coming at him in anger, he gave me a real apology.  We rarely ever argue, so I think it scares him when I get mad. 

If/when we ever move in together, I think it is going to be a steep learning curve for him.  It is easy to keep things nice and not get mad often when we only see each other during the weekend and don’t share any responsibilities.  That’s the main thing I worry about with out relationship.  If what we have now will translate nicely into a relationship that is full-time and with shared space and responsibilities.  But that is a transition that every couple has to make at some point, and when the time comes, I think we’ll be ok.

Easy like Sunday morning…

{ September 15, 2008 @ 4:01 am } · { babies, baseball, boobs, friends, indoor sports, love, sex }
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Oh, it is Sunday evening again.  I’m just here at home, trying to soak up the last little bit of the weekend. 

I’ve had a nice weekend.  Got to see my girlfriends, got to see my B.  What more could a girl ask for?

Friday evening I went up to B’s and spent the night.  We didn’tdo much – I’m always tired on Friday nights.  But we went out for some Mexican food (my favorite) and then went back home and just hung out.  B was feeling kind of…..well…randy.  We tried some new things.  Not necessarily all things that I would be dying to do again, but it was nice to have a break from the usual.  Then we just fell asleep and went to breakfast in the morning. 

Then I drove to my hometown (about 2.24 hours) to spend some time with my girls.  Last night I went together with one of my girlfriends, and then the two of us headed over to our friend Susie’s parent’s house.  Susie and her husband and two little girls were hanging out at her parent’s house, and they wanted us to come over and visit.  It was really nice.  I really love all of my friend’s parents (keeping in mind that I’ve known all of these girls for about 15 years), and I rarely get to see them.  We all stayed up until about 2:00 in the morning just chatting away. 

Today we went party hopping.  To two birthday parties.  For one-year olds.  So yeah, exciting stuff.  But with my girlfriends, it never really matters what the activity is – we always have so much fun in each others’ company.  So despite the deafening noise of all the small children in attendance at the parties, it was a good day.  I got to hold some babies, give some adorable baby gifts, eat some cake, and spend time with friends. 

And oh, being around all these babies did not help my baby fever.  I just love their sweet little faces and I do really so look forward to being a mother, when the time is right for me.  I try not to get anxious about it, because I know it will happen eventually, but is was easier to ignore before my age started with a 3. 

Anway, I got a LOT of questions this weekend about my relationship with B.  “How is it going?  Is it serious?  Is it good?  Just good, or is it great?  Really great?  Are you in love?  If he proposed to you right now, would you be happy?  Would you be happy and just say yes?  Or would you be REALLY happy and cry and say YES!  YES!! …….”   So on and so forth.  Ad nauseum.  That kind of talk always embarasses me.  I just don’t talk like that.  It just isn’t my style.  B knows how I feel about him and I have no trouble telling him, but I’m just not a gusher.  So my face always turns red and I feel like I’m in 6th grade when my grandparents asked me about my first “boyfriend”.  Silly, I know.  But I’m just private that way. 

Cut me some slack, I come from a broken home.

While I was driving back home today, some dude on the interstate was checking me out.  You know how you can tell that another car is trying to stay even with you?  Well, he was doing that, and I looked over and he waved at me.  Then he stayed about even with me for the next 10 miles, and when he went to exit, I looked over and he blew me a kiss.  I just laughed.  Totally stupid, I know, but hey, I don’t get that much attention, so I found it amusing.  I think he liked the way my seatbelt cuts right into the middle of my boobage, thereby accenting my already too large chest.  Trust me, it’s totally hot. 

Oh, and my Sox pulled it out of their asses to win tonight, after totally blowing it in the 8th inning.  So yay!  We need all the wins we can get at this point to stay ahead of the division.

Ok, time to prepare myself for yet another week of work.  *Sigh*

Let not your hearts be heavy

{ August 27, 2008 @ 2:18 am } · { death, family, love, relationships, worries }
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That’s what the priest at B’s dad’s funeral kept repeating:  “Let not your hearts be heavy”. 

Easier said than done though, right?

NotAmy reminded me after my last post that although the services were over and life was back to normal, likely the death of B’s father will affect us for quite some time to come. 

It’s not my father.  I try to thank God every day for that very thing – keeping my family healthy.  It’s no small thing, that I know for sure.  So for me, life as usual resumes, and it is easy to forget that the same isn’t true for my B.  He is still hurting so much,  and sleeping fitfully at night.  But he’s brave and he’s a man, so he doesn’t talk about it, and I follow his lead and gloss over it as well.   But said or unsaid, it is still there.  Indeed, his heart is heavy.

B has made it clear that he intends to visit his mother every weekend.  Indefinitely, I guess.  His parents moved about 2.5 hours away last year, to a city where they know no one.  So now his mom is all alone, with all of her family back here.  B is worried about his mom and I think feels some sort of responsibility to take care of her, even though she is a very capable woman and doesn’t really need taken care of.  But he has decided that he will go to see her every weekend. 

As you dear readers know, because of the distance between my house and B’s, I only get to see B on weekends.  And regrettably, weekends are only two days long.  So B doesn’t have time to visit his mother and see me.   All of our plans have fallen by the wayside for the forseeable future.

Initially, I’m slightly irritated, I’m not going to lie.  And believe me, I know how selfish that is.  But it just makes me sad not to see B.  I want to be with him.  But it isn’t about me.  And I have to keep reminding myself that it has been less than two weeks since B’s dad passed away.  So I have to be patient and supportive and understanding.  I just wish it came a little more naturally to me than it does.  Regardless, I know I can’t lay my issues on top of what he’s already dealing with, so I’ll suck it up.  I’ve been trying to figure out what I can do to make this time easier on B, and I guess this is it – allow him to do what he feels he needs to do without hassling him.

Of course, I’m glad that B is the kind of man who can be counted on, and will do anything for his family.  I know those same qualities make him a caring partner, and will someday make him a wonderful father.  I just miss him, that’s all.   

My heart too is heavy.

I don’t know what to say…

{ August 15, 2008 @ 2:47 am } · { death, love, relationships }
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B’s dad passed away tonight.

Out of nowhere.  Heart attack, I think.  The information I’ve had, that B himself has had, has been pretty scarce. 

He called me.  First to tell me that his dad had gone to the hospital and had arm pain.  Evidently they told him it was an infection, but they wanted him to go to a larger hospital because of his leukemia.  Now, he has leukemia, has had it the entire time I’ve known B, but I think it is some kind of chronic leukemia that wasn’t life threatening.  But anyway, they wanted him to go to the other hospital and they were going to do some tests on him there. 

Twenty minutes later he called me again and said it didn’t look good.  And I said, what do you mean, babe?  He said his mom, who was about 30 minutes away from the hospital at that time (I assume his dad was flown there) was told that he went into cardiac arrest and that they were performing CPR on him.  “I don’t understand,” I said, “they are still performing CPR on him?”  B said he didn’t know, but he thought that was just what they told his mom since she was still driving there.  It took my breath away, even the thought of it.  But B let me go so he could go to his brother’s house and the two of them could drive up there.

20 minutes later I got another call from B.  He was practically wailing.  One of the worst sounds I’ve ever heard.  All he could say was, “[h]e’s gone.” 

I cried (as I had been since he first told me that he probably wasn’t going to make it) and asked him where he was.  He was still at his brother’s house, so I asked if he wanted me to come over.  He said yes, and gave me the address.  As I was getting ready he called me back and said not to come because he and his brother were going to pick up their mom, who was at the hospital alone, several hours away.

So I can’t be with him right now, and I hate it.  I want to hold him in my arms, stroke his back, do whatever he needs me to do.  I can’t do that right now, and it is breaking my heart.  I can’t imagine what he is going through.  I, even in my darkest moments, cannot even allow myself to think about losing one of my parents.  I can’t even go there, even for a minute. 

Ok, deep breath.

I need to be able to pull myself together, for him.

I guess that’s why they call it the blues…

{ June 25, 2008 @ 4:32 am } · { dating, is it just me?, life, love, neuroses, relationships, unattractive }
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SF (and Elton John)- thanks for the title.  Didn’t mean to steal it from you, but it fit. 

Kinda blue today.

I don’t know why, specifically.  A combination of not feeling all that well and stress at work.

But whenever I’m in this kind of mood, I tend to take it out on my relationship with B.  All of my negative feelings surface and I focus on them.

I need this boy to love me in a way that I don’t think he does.  I want him to be captivated by my words, find me beautiful, think that I’m brilliant and funny, basically adore me and be proud to be with me. 

Ok, so maybe that’s a little bit too much.  I’m a real person with real flaws, and I don’t expect them to go unnoticed.  But at the very least, I would like him to, no, I need him to be interested in what I’m talking about, engage in conversation with me, understand my sense of humor, and in general, be happy to be with me.  I don’t mind conflict or argument (I am an attorney, for Pete’s sake, so I can handle it), and I think you need to have some conflict in your relationship so that wants and needs can be more defined and understood.

It’s not that B isn’t a good boyfriend.  He is.  He treats me very respectfully, and he would do anything for me.  But I don’t always think he gets me.  Sometimes I feel like I’m just someone for him to be with.  Like his love for me has nothing to do with me personally.  I would be afraid to ask him what it is that he likes/loves about me, because I’m very nervous that he wouldn’t be able to come up with an answer. 

Part of the problem is that it is not his nature to really discuss his feelings.  I asked him about a month ago about affection in his family.  Basically what he told me is that there is none.  His parents never showed him physical affection or told him that they loved him.  They are nice people, and certainly do love their family (and he knows that), but like a lot of people, it just isn’t their way to openly express it. 

My family is not entirely different.  My dad is affectionate, my mom isn’t.  My relationship with her doesn’t suffer for it – we are very close.  And she is better now than she used to be, but she isn’t a huggy,  PTA type of mother.  My dad on the other hand (as well as his extended family) is affectionate.  He liked to hug me as a child, and hold my hand and tuck me in at night. 

So as B and I had this conversation, he said, “oh, so you are more like your dad.”  And I had never really thought of myself that way.  Because affection is not that easy for me to give in a romantic relationship.  I have to get it before I can get it.  The more comfortable I am, the easier it is, but I don’t jump into a relationship quickly, physically or emotionally.   And B is reasonably phsyically affectionate.  It comes in waves.  He was definitely more affectionate at the beginning our of relationship than he is now.    And so I’ve become fairly affectionate with him, and now I do a lot more touching than he does.

Anyway, I got off track there.  Anyway, I know that just because B doesn’t express his feeling for me doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have them.  Of course, he tells me that he loves me.  But in a more perfunctory way, at certain times, like when I’m leaving.  Not in a “I’m really feeling it right now” kind of way.  And that is ok, I don’t necessarily need him saying the words all the time.  But I need to feel it somehow.  We have moments when I feel it.  But I’m not sure it all adds up to enough. 

I need to know that there are specific things that he likes about me.  I need to know that he finds me attractive.  I need to know that he wants to be with me, that he misses me when we are apart all week every week.  I need our phone conversations during the week to be at least a little more than just a recitation of our days.  I hate to fish for compliments.  I find it humiliating to ask if he finds me attractive, if he misses me, to make a joke about him finding me charming.   But I do it, because sometimes I need to hear it.  But when I do fish for it?  Still NOTHING. 

For example, here is an exchange we had tonight.  And believe me, I’m embarrassed even to write this.  But anyway:

Me:  I still haven’t taken my dress (for a wedding this weekend) in to get hemmed yet.  I definitely need to do that tomorrow.

B:  Why didn’t you do that today?

Me:   Well, just because when I came home from work I wasn’t feeling well, so I took a nap, and just didn’t end up to getting around to it.  Plus, I feel self-conscious when I have to put on a dress for the tailor to pin up.  I’m always worried they are thinking that I shouldn’t be wearing this dress.  I know that is stupid, considering I’ll be wearing the dress in public on Saturday, but I can’t help it.

B:  I’m sure they’ve seen everything.

Me:  I know.  But I don’t want them to put me in that same category:  gnarly people they have to deal with.

B:  I’m sure its fine.

Me:  Do you think I’m gnarly?

B:  No.

Me:…..do you think I’m cute?

B:  Yeah (in an unconvincing tone of voice).

Now, mind you, I know my part of that conversation was nothing to brag about.  I’m not saying that I don’t have my issues.   But seriously, the best compliment I ever get from him is “you look nice”.  And that doesn’t come very often, believe me.

I truly don’t think I’m needy.  I don’t need him to hang all over me, I don’t need him to shower me with compliments.  But I need SOMETHING.  Anything, really.  Some spark of life, some indication that I mean something to him. 

I know that he loves me in some sense.  I know that he sees me in his future.   We’ve made vacations plans, he’s talked about us moving in together at some point, things like that.  But I need to be more than just a person to be with. 

I know, I need, I need, I need.  I don’t mean to make it sound like the relationship is all about me.  But my blog is.   And honestly, if he needs something from me that I’m not giving, I would be happy to hear it, really.  I would honestly be happy that he gives our relationship some thought, as well as thinking about what he is looking for.  I don’t want to be unreasonable.  And having very little experience with relationships, I just don’t know.  What is reasonable and what isn’t?  I know relationships have ups and downs and everything is not all candlelight and roses and grand gestures of love.  Like I said, I know still waters run deep.  And I understand that not everyone expresses their feelings very freely and openly.  I certainly don’t.  But I gotta have something. 

Ignore me.  I’m just in a mood.

Batting A Thousand

{ June 12, 2008 @ 3:08 am } · { baseball, dating, love, neuroses, relationships, worries }
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So B called me after work tonight.  He was on his way to go out, I was out at the mall.  We were just chatting, and he was telling me that they (see my previous post) had a good time at the game.  And he was telling me how bad traffic was and how long it took them to get there.  Great, I thought, more time spent together.

So in my typical perfect-timing fashion, I told him that it makes me a little uncomfortable when he hangs out with other women alone. 

Silence.

“Rebecca is my co-worker,” he tells me, with the slightest touch of irritation and defensiveness.

“And yet……she is still woman, no?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Listen, I’m not saying that you can’t hang out with her or other women, I’m just saying it makes me a little uncomfortable, especially when it is a girl I don’t know.”

“But you’ve met Rebecca.”

“I know, but I don’t know her.  The only things I know about her is that she is newly divorced and she saw your man parts at the Christmas Party.”

So then he proceeds to tell me about her – about the work she does, and how his friend M fixed up her townhouse when her husband moved out, and how she has had a really bad year.  In addition to the her divorce, her 28 year old cousin passed away from a brain tumor, and her aunt passed away also from cancer about a year later.  So she is going through a rough time.

So, yeah, I’m an asshole.  A selfish paranoid asshole.  Here I am begrudging this poor girl a good time out with my boyfriend. 

But really, all I was thinking was that all of the facts that he was giving me about Rebecca are not the kind of things I need to know in order to feel comfortable with them being alone together.  

But after that I just let it drop because like I said, I wasn’t trying to say that he shouldn’t have women friends (although I would be happier if he didn’t have SINGLE women friends that he hang out with alone).  I suppose there was no point in even telling him that it bothered me a little, but what can I say, sometimes I like to hear myself talk.   Sometimes I even like to hear myself whine.  Kinda like right now.

Ok, I’m done.  Oh, and Kara, SF, and RWG?   Thanks for the comments on my last post.  It always helps to get input from others so that I know I’m not totally nuts/paranoid and what might be an adult way to handle the situation. 

Getting to Second Base Redux

{ June 11, 2008 @ 4:58 am } · { baseball, dating, love, neuroses, relationships, worries }
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So tonight my boy is on a date with another woman. 

Ok, so technically it isn’t a date.  He’s at a baseball game with a girl from work.  We’ll call her Rebecca.  Anyway, last night I was talking to him and he mentioned that he was going to a game tonight.  I expressed suprise, I wasn’t aware he had a game tonight.  He said, yes, I told you that.  I said, well, who is going with you?  And he told me Rebecca.  Oh, I said.  Yes, I’m very articulate. 

It bugs me a little bit.  Don’t get me wrong, I trust B.  I do.  I truly don’t think he would ever cheat on me.  But there is one little tiny part of my brain that says, “you never know….”  And it’s not even so much that I worry he would cheat on me so much as I worry that he might enjoy spending time with another girl more, and ditch me somewhere down the line.  I know this is ridiculous.

Mostly the problem is that I don’t really know Rebecca that well.  Here’s what I know so far:  she is newly divorced and she saw B’s weenus at the office Christmas party.  I exaggerate a little- she just walked in on him in the men’s restroom.  It was a story that I didn’t find particularly amusing at the time, and I don’t now.  Anyway, the point is that there is so much I don’t know, such as what exactly is their relationship and if she has any romantic interest in my man.  And, she gets to see him everyday, and I don’t.  He has this whole life that I’m not a part of, and so I think in many respects the people he works with and his friends know him much better than I do.

I had this same issue last year when B went to a game with another girl, Katherine (I’d link to that post if I weren’t too lazy to find it).  If he went to a game alone with Katherine now, I wouldn’t care at all because I know her a lot better now.    If it is a girl he is friends with that he knew before me (which is pretty much everyone), then I assume they would have gotten together before I entered the picture if they wanted to.  But Rebecca was married before, so this is a little different.

Anyway, it really is no big deal, but it is bugging me a little bit.  But my problem is this – I could talk to him about it, but what result am I looking for?  I don’t necessarily mean to say that he shouldn’t go to a baseball game with Rebecca (or any other woman for that matter).  I certainly don’t mean to say that he isn’t allowed to have female friends.   I definitely don’t want to be that girl.  So I don’t know.  I’ll probably be over it by the time I talk to him, but I might just tell him it sketches me out a bit and leave it at that. 

But I still don’t know (a la “When Harry Met Sally”) if women and men can ever be just friends.  Is there always some sexual tension from one side or the other?  I don’t have any male friends that I hang out with alone.  All of my guy friends are the husbands of my girl friends.  I have ManWhore, but he doesn’t live around here, so I don’t ever see him.  And if we did hang out, he would forever be trying to get into my pants. 

Anyway, good night.

Cohabitation?

{ June 5, 2008 @ 4:35 am } · { dating, is it just me?, life, love, neuroses, random thoughts, relationships }
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After my last post, several of you dear readers asked me what I think about the possibility of moving in with B.

My feelings on the subject are somewhat mixed at this point.

On the pro side? Well, first and foremost, we would get to be together a lot more. We would be more intimate, more honest, more real, and learn a lot of things about each other that we don’t already know. Our lives would be more together, and not so clearly his life and my life. And that would be great. I want to be able to share myself with someone, with B. My life for so long has been just about me.

Some of those things fall on the con side as well. I guess I’m afraid to be that completely intimate and open. Of course, I’m always myself when I’m around B and try to be honest about everything. But still, the times that we share right now are easy and carefree. We don’t share any responsibilities.

When I think about the fact that there are a lot of things I don’t know about him and a lot of things he doesn’t know about me, it makes me very nervous. And not really because of the things I don’t know about him, but mostly because of the things he doesn’t know about me. It’s nothing I could say in so many words, nothing specifically I have been keeping from him, but I just don’t think I’m a picnic to live with.

I’m a slob. But I always clean before he comes over here, so he doesn’t really know that.

Also? I’ve been living completely alone for 8 years. I’ve gotten used to it. I like it. I can do what I want when I want, or nothing at all if I so choose. I can leave the dishes in the sink for tomorrow if I want to. I can sit around in various states of undress. I can watch what I want to watch on tv, I can eat what I want and when I want, I can go to bed as early or late as I want, and I can wake up as early or late as I want. My money is my money and my debts are my debts.

Geez, selfish much? I know, I know. And like I said earlier – I never intended my whole life to be entirely and wholly about ME.

So anyway, despite the fact that I just spent about 5 paragraphs being all negative about it, if everything fell into place (or rather we made everything fall into place), I would probably move in with him. Because otherwise, what am I doing? Things will never really progress past a certain point with this relationship if I don’t. I’m sure it would be great, but I’m just a cautious person by nature, and I have trouble making even the smallest decisions. I’m so afraid of making mistakes. So that decision would be a big one for me.

I guess I had always pictured me moving up BY him at some point (but still in my own place) and easing into it a little more. Who knows. It just depends on timing and any number of other factors.

Later!

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