Archive for neurosis

I’m a hazard to myself

{ August 1, 2007 @ 4:22 am } · { dating, love, neurosis, random thoughts, relationships, worries }
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So B is out of town this week on a family vacation.  It is making me feel a little insecure, which I’m fully aware is ridiculous. 

I never see B during the week, so him being out of town for a week is not really that big of a deal.  The only problem is that one of us was/is out of town for 6 weekends in a row.  So I won’t see him for quite a while, probably.  This seems to bother me more than it does him. 

On Thursday evening we talked about maybe getting together on Friday evening (he was leaving on Saturday morning), if he could finish getting his stuff together and packing early enough.  So I was at home on Friday, and expecting him to call.  He didn’t call me until later, so it was obvious that we weren’t going to be getting together.  I mentioned that I was sad that we weren’t getting together before he left, and he just made some vague reference to getting his stuff together and being tired, so I didn’t say anything more.  But then I called him back, because I didn’t want to sit and stew over it for a week.  I explained to him that I feel a little weird lately, and that it didn’t seem to me that he really cared about spending time with me.  Pretty much whining.  He said that, no, he does want to spend time with me, but that I have been so wishy-washy lately about other plans I was making (in relation to travelling to see my dad and to my hometown), and so then he would make other plans, and then feel bad when I ended up with nothing to do.  This is true.  So then I felt a little foolish, because besides Friday, there was only one weekend when I felt like he didn’t want to hang out with me, and I had changed my plans at the last minute that weekend.   So I said, ok, and ended the conversation.  He asked if I was ok, and I told him yes, I’ll be fine.

I really hate that I have to have girl moments sometimes.  I try so hard to not be a “typical girl”, and show my insecurities.  But I cannot deny biology.  And, frankly, I don’t think I do myself any favors trying to act cool when I’m so not.  Because then he has no idea what bothers me, and that is not helpful to him.  In some ways it’s like I’m not really giving him a chance (and this is a problem I always have in relationships).  Truly, I think I’m the one keeping this relationship very much on the surface.

But still, I kind of felt that we should get together whenever we could given the fact that if we didn’t, we wouldn’t see each other for 6 weeks.  He obviously had no similar concerns.  The lack of intensity in this relationship is kind of worriesome. 

So he called me the first two days he was gone, and I haven’t heard from him in two days.  Which clearly is not a big deal – he is on vacation (with his family) and has stuff going on.  I definitely get that.  But there is this little whisper in my head that is worried about some vague, nameless something. 

 Anyway, I hate even to publish this because it is just more of the same thinking out loud that I’m always doing, same issues, mostly in my head.  But I am what I am, I guess.

I bruise easily

{ July 14, 2007 @ 4:22 am } · { dating, life, love, neurosis, relationships, worries }
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Sigh….

Why is it that when one thing gets you down you start picking apart all aspects of your life?  Or is it just me?

I was supposed to go out with one of my girl friends tonight.  She cancelled on me (which she always does).  No big deal, right?  But I was just sitting at my desk, feeling low.  Like a loser.  The thing is, and I never really admit this, but I don’t really have any friends. 

Ok, of course I have friends.  I have very wonderful friends that I love dearly.  They don’t live here.  They are never going to live here.  And I’m never going to live there.  So while they will be in my life, and they would do anything for me and vice versa, they are not going to be people I spend great amounts of time with.   

I have friends that live in the area (although remotely).  There are two.  One is married and has a 6 month old baby.  The other is a flake and a half.  So I never hang out with them either.  While it is great to have all these friends I can call anytime of day and certainly do spend enough time talking to/emailing with, I desperately need friends to hang out with.

So anyway, I always feel a little bit like loser when B asks me what I’m doing on the days that I’m not spending time with him (read:  six days a week).  My answer is always this – “nothing much”.  I hate that.  He has many friends, and goes out all the time.  I feel like some girl who has no life of her own, which nobody really likes.  And it’s not like I rely on any guy to be my everything – after all I have been single since time immemorial.  I can and do do things on my own and by myself.  But the fact remains that I have no friends. 

Simply put – I am lonely.  Profoundly lonely.  The kind of lonely that leaves you yearning for human touches.  And yes, it is better now that I’ve started dating, but sometimes I find that it sort of shines the spotlight on my loneliness, because I try to see what my life looks like through somebody else’s eyes.  When I am able to go home (where I grew up), I literally bask in the attention and affection of my friends.  I always come away from those weekends feeling happy and appreciated and well-loved.  A way I never feel here.  I always think, and sometimes remark to others that nobody gets me and loves me the way that they do.  But as time passes those feelings seep away, sometimes quickly, and I’m left here wondering why I’m not able to make new friends and live in this space. 

So anyway, once I’m feeling bad about my lack of friends, I start feeling negative about my relationship with B.  After all, how could he really find interest in some girl who has absolutely nothing going on?  And why is how I feel about him contingent upon how he feels about me?  I can’t analyze my feelings for him without considering how he feels.  And since I don’t have a clue how he feels, that is indeed a difficult task.  But then I start thinking maybe I should just break it off – that way I won’t have to spend what is not an insignificant amount of time worrying about what he is doing and how he feels.  That it is a complication I don’t need in my life.  That I can go back to my comfortable life.  And yes, it is really only half a life, but there was very little potential for hurt and/or disappointment.  No chance to be rejected and conversely, no chance to be loved. 

Were this a romance novel, some man would come along, somehow see my vulnerability, find it endearing, and care enough to do whatever it takes to find a way get past my tough exterior.  I would have no choice but to let myself fall, and he would catch me.  Love would be found and the rest would be history. 

This is not a romance novel.  This is my real life, and men are, well, just men.  Human.  Most of whom have their own issues, and don’t have the energy or inclination to spend the time trying to figure me out when there are so many beautiful and emotionally available women for the taking.    While my inner romantic is virtually screaming to get out, I’m the only one who can hear her.

So B and I slowly circle around, each waiting for the other to make a move, show their cards.  Probably with a window of opportunity to do so that is always narrowing.  And me, I’m so scared of making the wrong move that making no move seems preferable.  But that always ends up in the same place, with me back where I started. 

I always think that it will be easy when the right man comes along, but more and more I’m getting nervous that it will just be the same, and if that is the case, then how do I know B (and those who came before him) isn’t the right one?  Maybe I don’t need a different man so much as different attitude.    

And I guess I need to decide if giving up on the idea of love is worth knowing that I won’t be hurt, that I won’t suffer disappointments.  If if not, how do I move forward, be different, better, braver?

 All of this because my friend ditched me tonight. 

A tale of two theories…

{ July 8, 2007 @ 11:30 pm } · { dating, love, neurosis, random thoughts, relationships }
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So time marches on.  I’m still dating B.  It’s a relationship I really haven’t figured out.  In fact, he’s a man I haven’t really figured out.  And we are going on, oh, about 6 months of dating.  Still haven’t figured out how to read him.  I see him about once a week, so I wouldn’t say it is a serious relationship.   

I have narrowed the whole thing down to two theories about B/the relationship.  The first one I’ll refer to as “still waters run deep.”  This scenario assumes that B is one of those guys who are not chatty or communicative.  Doesn’t like to talk about his feelings.  Also not too touchy (feely, I mean, as opposed to sensitive).  Not big on giving compliments.  This theory allows me to believe that he has feelings for me, but just doesn’t express them in any major (read:  cannot be seen to the naked eye and requires some interpretation) way.  There are brief flashes of feelings, some nice touches, arms around me when we sleep.  Other than those flashes, I have to assume he likes me based on his actions:  inviting me virtually everywhere, introducing me to his friends, taking me to my team’s baseball games even though he is a fan of the other team in the city, calls me pretty much every day.  Not the stuff of grand romance, to be sure, but some effort on his part. 

 As I writing this I’m realizing that the “still waters run deep” theory is actually the best case scenario here.  Yikes. 

The other theory is entitled “he’s just not that into you”.  Not my original theory, of course.  And frankly, though I’ve never read the book, I’m not sure the author was really doing women any favors.  It breeds a little bit of paranoia, I believe.  Anyway, this theory is pretty self-explanatory as well.  B doesn’t talk about his feelings for me because he has none.  Ditto with the touching.  Doesn’t tell me I look/smell/dress nice because he doesn’t think I do.   So why bother with me, you ask?  Well, you know.  A little something is better than nothing, no?  I never thought of myself as a booty-call kind of girl, but c’mon, it does happen. 

On the other hand, we live too far away from each other to really be an effective just-for-sex relationship.  And truly I don’t think it is.  It is just that the relationship is lacking any real intensity.  And so I just try to interpret every last word, look, gesture, touch, etc.  And God knows that a guy’s mind does not work the same way as a woman’s, so probably my interpretations are a little off,  and then I go get my feelings hurt over something not based in reality.  * sigh*

Not to mention that I’m not exactly a wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve kind of girl, so I’m sure that his behavior is affected by mine. 

Clearly the answer here is that I need to talk to him.  I always intend to, but I never really do.  Outwardly insecure and unsure is not a role I play very well.  That’s the problem that I find I have in relationships – I have a hard time dropping the tough exterior and allowing myself to be and allow people to see my vulnerability.  So maybe I should spend more time working on that since my behavior is the only thing I can really control. 

This stuff is harder than I had imagined during all those years of singleness.  I’m not as good at it as I thought I would be (although I had no reason to think I would be good at it).  But I’m trying.   Hopefully that counts for something.   

Reality (TV)?

{ May 22, 2007 @ 3:38 am } · { dating, love, neurosis, relationships, tv, worries }
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Ok, so I watched the finale of the Bachelor tonight.  I know, lamer than lame.  I have been over Andy and his monotone voice for several weeks now, but nonetheless wanted to see who he chose. 

He didn’t pick who I wanted him to pick.  And the rejectee was heartbroken, and of course went away in the limo feeling lower than low and like a total fool.  She said she should have known, because that is how things end for her.

Now, I hate to compare a reality tv show to real life, but nonetheless, the ending of the show made me feel a little uneasy.  I mean, who’s to say that couldn’t really happen?  One person truly feeling like the other was The One, and feeling it with all of her heart, and the other not truly feeling it.  Scary.

Granted, nobody really goes eyes wide open into a relationship with a guy who is dating another woman (or multiple women), so in that way, reality is not so much like The Bachelor.

But one of the main reasons I’m still dating BigBoy is because I’m worried it is just me.  I know it takes me a while to warm up to a guy.  When I am in any relationship, I can literally feel myself physically holding back.  And I can feel myself not always saying what I want to say.  I haven’t yet been able to really and truly let it all go.  I wish I knew why I do that. 

So I guess my concern is that the reason I never get really close to anyone I date is because of me.  It starts with me holding back, which of course they can feel, and that changes the way they feel and react, and the relationships just develop differently than they would have if I could open up. 

I guess what I don’t know is how to walk the fine line between hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.  And I suspect that if you err on the side of preparing for the worst, you will probably always get it.  Nasty little self-fulfilling prophecy.   Because it is impossible to really put it out there and allow yourself fully give of yourself and let yourself be loved while you are fearing rejection or hurt, and thinking that things probably won’t work out. 

Besides, what is the worst that can happen?  You let yourself fall in love, and then get blind-sided by rejection?  Is rejection any better just because you knew it was coming?  And isn’t that really just like double the rejection anyway?  You basically rejecting yourself before someone else does it?  Not truly believing you can make it work or that you are someone worthy of something great? 

Ok, guess I’ve got it all figured out.  Now all I’ve got to do is banish all the negative thoughts and self-doubt from my head.   No problem. 

This ain’t a love song….

{ May 5, 2007 @ 3:13 am } · { dating, life, love, neurosis, online dating, relationships }
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So I went on a meet and greet last night.  With a guy that we’ll call The Golfer.  He is someone that I’ve been feeling lukewarm about since he started emailing me.  He skipped entirely the part where the correspondence moves from email to telephone, so I had never actually talked to him.

Anyway, we met for dinner last night.  So we got seated and settled in, and then…….nothing.  Silence.  So immediately I started talking, about anything and everything.  And it turned out ok, he is fairly attractive, a gentleman, well-dressed, etc.  But still…….nothing.  I felt nothing.    Didn’t even remotely light my fire.  I’m starting to feel like it is asking to much to want a man with a dynamic personality.

 So as we were leaving, he asked if he could call me.  I said, “Sure!”, all cheerful-like.  Just like I always do.  My (brutal) truth-telling skills need a little work.  And so I continue to add another guy to the list of men I date because of my fear of hurting someone’s feelings.  Only it is even worse this time, because now I am practically cheating (in a no physical contact sort-of-way) on BigBoy (who is number one on my list of men with whom I have failed to end it) with a guy I could take or leave.  Go me. 

But hey, I’m a glass-half-full kind of a girl (and now I can hear my mom and best friend laughing in my head), so we’ll start with the good news - I am VERY good at the first date.  I have a 100% success rate.  The bad news the first date leads to the second date, then the third, fourth, fifth, etc.  And next thing I know, I’m knee-deep in an actual relationship that I’m not really into. 

Don’t get me wrong – I’ve liked all the guys I’ve dated.  The relationships have all been pleasant, and since I have been so starved for even basic physical affection (hand-holding, hand on the small of my back and the like), it is nice to have the attention of a man who is into me.  But the relationships have never progressed to anything serious, and I’m pretty sure that’s my fault. 

I’m not putting it out there.  The conversations never progress to anything other than basically light-hearted subjects.  But I don’t know how to make it deeper than that.  And undoubtedly the guys I date take the lead from the vibe (or lack thereof) they are getting from me. 

But I’m trying, which is much more than I was doing a year ago.  So hopefully I’m making progress. 

Goal for the weekend: I’m going to be spending a lot of time with BigBoy this weekend, so I am going to make a concerted effort to get to know him on a more personal level.  I’ve been sort of dating him for about 4 months now, and I know all the basic stuff about him – job, family, friends, etc., but I don’t know anything about his dating history and things of that nature.  Sometimes I avoid asking such questions because they usually come right back at you, and my dating history of, oh……basically NONE, is kind of embarrassing.  So I will attempt to throw caution to the wind and ask, even if it means I will have to answer as well.

I wonder if my insurance covers psychoanalysis…..

{ April 18, 2007 @ 5:19 am } · { life, love, neurosis, relationships, worries }
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So I was watching The Bachelor tonight.  I know, I know……lame.  But I was.  Anyway, there was this one girl on the show, one bachelorette, if you will, who really layed it all out there, and got sent home anyway.

She told him that she was crazy about him, and really spilled her guts.  I thought he was really into her.  But then, I guess we all know that with men it is partly just the thrill of the chase, and, well, he had already caught her.

Anyway, what I was thinking is that there is no way I could ever do that.  I could never put my feelings out there so nakedly.  I just don’t think I have it in me.  I always feel so transparent anyway, when in reality, I’m probably not giving anything away.  And I’m worried that is going to be a problem for me.   In all reality, given the fact that I am 29 with no serious relationships and very few even casual relationships in my past, it is probably already a problem for me.  I guess what I’m looking for is a mind-reader.  Or a guy who likes to be kept guessing.   

I don’t know why it is so hard for me.  You would think I’ve had a lifetime of disappointments, let-downs, broken hearts.  But I don’t.  I’m just one of those people whose fear of being hurt or fear of looking foolish is greater than her fear of being alone.  That is pathetic.  I don’t want to be that way. 

I don’t know.  Maybe someday I’ll meet someone who inspires me to throw caution to the wind.  Someone I can’t live without.  Someone for whom I would want to make the leap.  No, more than that.  I’m sure there are any number of people for whom I would WANT to make that leap.  I already want to be better at dating, at being a girlfriend, at giving someone what they want and what I would expect in return.  But making the connection between wanting to and doing so is where I have failed.  And so I keep thinking that once I meet the right guy, I will all of the sudden be different, shed my neuroses, be the person I want to be.  But I’m starting to think that maybe it has nothing to do with the right guy.  Maybe I’m not the right girl. 

That’s a scary thought.