Archive for online dating

Long Day

{ February 29, 2008 @ 4:10 am } · { These people are killing me, aging, birthday, life, mean people, online dating, random thoughts, relationships, what am I doing with my life?, work }
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9:30 a.m.

I took a little break at work and I checked my personals inbox.  Of course I no longer do online dating, but for whatever reason (read:  laziness), I haven’t taken down my profile.  I still check my inbox every now and then, mostly for amusement purposes.  Today I got a message that reads as follows:

[I'm omitting the part that has his name and email address.  But apparently his last name is "thick"]

PS .. thick like ALAN Thicke the Actor … I know what you were thinking … and I am not a all fery, Athletic and Built.  text me for fastest reaction time

555-123-4567 … text me if you want to discuss me over dinner …

Huh?  What the hell is he talking about?  And what is “fery”?  Usually when people have bad grammar and/or spelling, I can still figure out what they are trying to say, but not this time.

Oh, and dude?  1985 called and wants its pop culture references back.  Has this guy not watched any tv in 20 years or what?  I emailed him back and said, “Dude, no thanks.   You are no Kirk Cameron.”

1:45 p.m.

I had a loud and angry argument with my boss.  He asks for my opinion, but he really only wants it if I agree with him.  He thinks I’m trying to be contrary and narrow-minded when actually I’m just telling him what the law is.  As since I’m the one reading all the cases, I should know.  I told him (as I have before) that if doesn’t want my opinion, then he shouldn’t ask for it.  The argument when on and he got mad and told me not to talk to him that way, blah blah blah. 

I ended up in tears.  Which I hate.  I can’t help it – I always go to the tears when I am frustrated.  And I know, there is no crying in the law, but you know how it is….the tears just come and can be hard to stop.

4:30

I get back to work after a trip to court.  My boss called me into his office where he was sitting with one of his clients, who for the sake of this story we will call Tom.   Tom is in our office a lot, so I know him pretty well.  I am not involved in his case(s).  My boss wanted to run a letter that he was drafting by me.  So he told me about it and asked me to look through a photo album that was sitting on his desk.  I opened it up, and it was filthy pictures Tom and and his ex-girlfriend naked and engaged in various sexual acts.  Mind you, Tom was SITTING RIGHT THERE when I opened this album.  I closed it immediately and said, “I don’t want to look at this”.    

What was my boss thinking??  Why the hell would he ask me to look at that with Tom sitting there?  I was so embarrassed.  I could maybe understand having to look at such pictures if it had a bearing on a case with which I was involved.  I am not at all involved in that case.  My boss just has no sense of boundaries.  But I was disgusted.  I almost cried again when I went back to my office, because I felt disrespected again.

6:30 p.m.

B called me when we were both on our way home from work.  Although he didn’t ask, I told him that I had a horrible day at work, and told him about it.  To which he responded with the ever popular “don’t complain if you aren’t willing to do something about it.”  Of course I know that makes sense.  But it absolutely is not what I wanted to hear.  If that is what I wanted to hear, I would have called my mother.  In fact, I told him he should call my mother and the two of them could bitch about how stupid I am, that way they can get it out of their system.  Jump right into my nightmare, B.

7:15

I got home to find a lovely letter from my health insurance company informing me that since I am so old and have entered an entirely new age range, my premuim will be increased. 

Great. 

Kick me while I’m down, Blue Cross Blue Shield.  As if I didn’t feel bad enough about the 30.   Now I am apparently a much bigger health risk.  Perfect.

8:00 p.m.

Lost.   Sigh.  WTF…..mind time travel??  I’m am very very close to my pain threshhold with this show.  Maybe I’m not evolved enough or imaginative enough or whatever, but the thing is, I watch tv for entertainment.  I like to be spoon-fed with it.  I don’t like to have to try so hard to understand something.  I literally have to read a recap of it every Friday so that I can try to make sense of what I watched.  Cut me a break here, Lost writers.  Please start writing stuff that makes sense.  And if nothing else, give me some more Kate and Sawyer.

Good night, folks.  And thank God tomorrow is Friday. 

Matchmaker, Matchmaker

{ November 9, 2007 @ 2:13 am } · { These people are killing me, dating, friends, online dating, sex }
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So today I was chatting with my friend, ManWhore.  I told him that I have this “friend” on myspace, a girl I knew in high school.  I haven’t seen or heard from her since high school, and when I first saw her myspace page, I was shocked by the blogs she writes.  They are all very naughty – highly explicit stories about her sex life.  She talks about anal sex, the length and girth of her booty call’s package, her skills in the oral area, and  she uses the nastiest words possible to describe such things. 

I’m not saying I don’t enjoy reading her blogs, but I was just surprised that she would post them for all the world (including her friends and family) to see.  I mean, blogging about that stuff anonymously is one thing, but owning up to this stuff in front of everyone you know is quite another. 

Anyway, so I was telling him about the blogs, and he decided, quite quickly, that he wanted to read them for himself.  He got all excited, told me it “made his day”.  Then he sent her a message telling her that he found her blogs very entertaining, because, of course, this is someone he wants to know.

Aahhh, ManWhore found his soulmate.  A girl who likes (or at least tolerates, if you do it right) anal, whose “specialty” is going down, and apparently isn’t too discriminating about her partners.  Oh, the satisfaction of bringing two slutty people together.  Should be one great night.  Makes me feel warm and fuzzy.  But kinda makes me itch too, like when you hear about a child having lice, adn all the sudden your head itches.  Yeah, kinda like that, what with all the potential diseases floating between the two of them.

Yikes.

Nothing much to say

{ May 29, 2007 @ 4:19 am } · { dating, online dating, random thoughts, relationships }
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I’m finding it hard to come up with things to say lately.  Partly I think due to the fact that I’ve been dating the same guy for a few months now, so the issues I really would like to address are pretty personal, and probably more than I want to get into here. 

 Sometimes I feel like this guy is really growing on me, and then sometimes I look at him and wonder what the connection is between us.  Does he feel it?  I don’t really know.  We don’t have any real or heavy “relationship” talks, and yet my perception is that he thinks of me as his girlfriend.  He is not real communicative in general, so it is hard to get a read on him. 

This weekend we went to a party at his friend’s house.  So I met more of his friends.  I sat down with the women, and tried to dream up things to talk about.  They asked me how I met him.  I had to admit it was online.  I never thought I was ashamed of it - all of my friends know I’m doing online dating, but I found admitting it to other people a little embarrassing. 

His one friend (“M”) kept flirting with me……and then he grabbed my ass.  I couldn’t tell if he did it on purpose.  I chalked it up to him being a flirty guy in general, but I don’t really know him.  But he’s married, so I don’t really think he was making a pass at me or anything.   

 Today we went to a baseball game.  He goes all the time, and he likes to get there REALLY early so he can catch batting practice (?).  Anyway, he came to my house, and I totally slowed him up – I had to go to the bank, get gas, etc.  I drove (because it would be easier to parallel park my little car), and then I missed the exit, and it took us about a half-hour to get back to where we should have been, and since it was later than he expected, we had a really hard time finding parking.  At one point, I said, “you really hate me today, don’t you?”  He said, it’s ok, we’ll get there.  Um……that didn’t really answer the question I asked.   Anyway, whatever, going to the game with me is not like going with the boys.  Get over it.  But I got him a couple beers and he was fine.  That’s what he gets for asking me to drive.

That’s all I have today.  Having a little writer’s (and I’m using that term loosely, of course) block. 

Guess I touched a raw nerve…..

{ May 21, 2007 @ 1:40 am } · { These people are killing me, mean people, online dating, random thoughts }
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Ah, my first negative comment.

I’m sure I’ve already mentioned that I’m not one to leave well enough alone.  Hence this post.   If I’m being honest, it did bother me a little bit.  Instantly it made me feel defensive, and I reread my post, trying to figure out what about it was offensive.  Ultimately I decided that it wasn’t. 

So what gives?  I thought, well, maybe I was being shallow.  But no.  All I’m doing with the online dating thing is looking for someone who fits with ME.  And that just isn’t someone who substitutes letter and/or numbers for words.  Sorry, can’t do it.  I think that is fair.

 And it is not like I haven’t had my fair share of those who didn’t respond to my emails.  I don’t send out emails anymore, but back when I did, the recipients ignored them all the time.  Such is life. 

Guys lower their standards all the time?  I don’t know if that is true or not, but I do know that I in no way suggested in my post that men have an easier time with the online dating thing.  I’m sure all the same issues go both ways. 

On the other hand, I have frequently told people, in my real life and here that ALL of the men that I have actually gone on dates with were very nice, sincere people.  But I think it is ok (and necessary) to sort through those you think you could potentially be a match with and those with whom you wouldn’t.    

The problem judging a person by reading ONE post on their blog is that you aren’t really getting the full picture.  If Bleah had read my other posts, he would have found that I have more often discussed my own shortcomings and things that I need to work on. 

I guess negative comments are to be expected.  Of course, if I came across a post that I didn’t like, I would just exit it, and not feel compelled to leave a comment, but I guess that is just me.  I put my thoughts out there, so I will have to take whatever is given back. 

Oh, and by the way, Bleah, I don’t have a cat.   So I guess you’ll have to come up with some other nasty little stereotype for me.

The dating pool is getting a little too diluted…

{ May 17, 2007 @ 6:37 pm } · { These people are killing me, dating, online dating, random thoughts }
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So today I have an email in my inbox from a new match.  My optimistic heart did a little flutter like it always does when I get a new one, just imagining the possibilities.  Ok, I made that up.  My heart stopped doing that around week 2 of the online dating, but still, I do get a little hopeful with each one that he might be a good prospect. 

Wrong again.  This time it is a guy who lives in a different state, a good 4 four hours away from where I live.  Wonderful.  Then he says in his profile that he basically has some top-secret research job which involves him being spirited away at a moment’s notice to some unknown (to me) location.  So, he says, he is not very reliable and may have to cancel plans at the last minute.

Be still my beating heart.  How did he know that is EXACTLY what I was looking for in my dream man?  Secretive and unreliable, and long-distance to boot.  Perfect.  Or better yet, maybe he emailed me because sometimes he secretly travels to my city, and then I can one of his “girls in every port”. 

Then I noticed that while he didn’t have children (allegedly), he didn’t mind if his woman did, as long as they don’t live at home.  Um….what?  So his perfect match is a woman who has given up custody of her children, or worse yet, has had her children taken away by the state?  I suppose it could mean that her children are old enough to live outside the home, but come on now, I’m 29 years old.  Any children I might have over the age of majority would have been birthed sometime before I was 12.  Yuck. 

Come one folks, THINK before you write. 

… continue reading this entry.

This ain’t a love song (still)

{ May 7, 2007 @ 5:16 am } · { dating, life, love, online dating, relationships }
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I started writing a response to a comment left on my last post (This ain’t a love song…), and it started getting long so I just decided to turn it into a new entry. 

I don’t really feel like I’m cheating on BigBoy, even if dinner with no physical contact could be considered cheating.  He and I have never discussed dating each other exclusively.  I’d be surprised if he was dating other women, but I know he still goes on Match pretty much daily, so he definitely could be. 

But I do lie about it.  He asked me the other night if I went to dinner with a friend, and I said “uh huh”.  That is the main problem with the situation.   I want to be able to be straight-forward about it, but at the same time I don’t want to force a that conversation right now. 

 I know that ending up with someone that I’m not truly in love with is not what I want, and I don’t think I’d ever do that.  But I can see now how people find themselves in that situation.  There is an element of instant gratification that might make it seem reasonable at the time.  But I do know, and am hopefully farsighted enough to understand that it would be a only a momentary solution, and would only cause more heartache down the line.

So I don’t necessarily keep dating  BigBoy (and CityBoy before him) because I’m hoping it will turn into love.  I started doing the online dating thing because I was lonely.  Not the sort of existential lonely because I couldn’t find my soul mate (although that too).  But actually physically lonely.  Alone. 

All of my friends have been married for at least 5 years.  They have their own lives, and while those lives include me, it is only in a peripheral, me-fitting-into-their-lives sort of way.  It didn’t feel like I had a life of my own, but was just sort of piggybacking on theirs. 

So the online thing for me was about meeting people and recreation.  And of course finding someone special.  So casually dating fulfills some of those objectives.  I have met nice men who are fun to hang out with, and that makes me feel less lonely.

So I could break it off with BigBoy, and not continue to date any others that I meet who I don’t immediately feel a connection with, but then would I have?  And I know that sounds bad, like I’m one of those girls who can’t be without a man, and only breaks up with one when she finds another.  But I don’t think that’s true.  I have been alone, for years at a time.  I know I can do that.

That all being said, my main concern is that BigBoy (or any other guy I date) can’t read my mind.  He doesn’t know that I’m not serious about him, so I’m concerned that I’ll work my way into a corner where he gets more serious and I don’t, thereby giving me the ability to really hurt him when ultimately I have to call it quits. 

Luckily (??) for me, I am pretty confident, and past experience has shown that guys get tired of me before that happens.  So I’m kind of rely on it, and then things just end naturally, and relatively easily without it ever haven gotten serious, and before anybody’s feelings are really vested. 

 I know, I know.  I’m working on it.  Or at the very least thinking about working on it.   

And BigBoy got sick this weekend, so we didn’t hang out.  Thus I did not have the opportunity to put my weekend goal into action.  So I’m putting that goal on hold until the next time we hang out.  Or at least the next time we talk. 

This ain’t a love song….

{ May 5, 2007 @ 3:13 am } · { dating, life, love, neurosis, online dating, relationships }
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So I went on a meet and greet last night.  With a guy that we’ll call The Golfer.  He is someone that I’ve been feeling lukewarm about since he started emailing me.  He skipped entirely the part where the correspondence moves from email to telephone, so I had never actually talked to him.

Anyway, we met for dinner last night.  So we got seated and settled in, and then…….nothing.  Silence.  So immediately I started talking, about anything and everything.  And it turned out ok, he is fairly attractive, a gentleman, well-dressed, etc.  But still…….nothing.  I felt nothing.    Didn’t even remotely light my fire.  I’m starting to feel like it is asking to much to want a man with a dynamic personality.

 So as we were leaving, he asked if he could call me.  I said, “Sure!”, all cheerful-like.  Just like I always do.  My (brutal) truth-telling skills need a little work.  And so I continue to add another guy to the list of men I date because of my fear of hurting someone’s feelings.  Only it is even worse this time, because now I am practically cheating (in a no physical contact sort-of-way) on BigBoy (who is number one on my list of men with whom I have failed to end it) with a guy I could take or leave.  Go me. 

But hey, I’m a glass-half-full kind of a girl (and now I can hear my mom and best friend laughing in my head), so we’ll start with the good news - I am VERY good at the first date.  I have a 100% success rate.  The bad news the first date leads to the second date, then the third, fourth, fifth, etc.  And next thing I know, I’m knee-deep in an actual relationship that I’m not really into. 

Don’t get me wrong – I’ve liked all the guys I’ve dated.  The relationships have all been pleasant, and since I have been so starved for even basic physical affection (hand-holding, hand on the small of my back and the like), it is nice to have the attention of a man who is into me.  But the relationships have never progressed to anything serious, and I’m pretty sure that’s my fault. 

I’m not putting it out there.  The conversations never progress to anything other than basically light-hearted subjects.  But I don’t know how to make it deeper than that.  And undoubtedly the guys I date take the lead from the vibe (or lack thereof) they are getting from me. 

But I’m trying, which is much more than I was doing a year ago.  So hopefully I’m making progress. 

Goal for the weekend: I’m going to be spending a lot of time with BigBoy this weekend, so I am going to make a concerted effort to get to know him on a more personal level.  I’ve been sort of dating him for about 4 months now, and I know all the basic stuff about him – job, family, friends, etc., but I don’t know anything about his dating history and things of that nature.  Sometimes I avoid asking such questions because they usually come right back at you, and my dating history of, oh……basically NONE, is kind of embarrassing.  So I will attempt to throw caution to the wind and ask, even if it means I will have to answer as well.

To be (exclusive) or not to be??

{ May 2, 2007 @ 2:33 am } · { dating, love, online dating, relationships }
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So at what point in a relationship do you assume that it is exclusive?  Ever?

Jaded tells me that if you haven’t had “the talk”, then you should always assume that he is seeing other people, and conduct yourself accordingly. But I’m a little worried that isn’t true.

I am still dating BigBoy. I know, I know. But in my defense, he is growing on me somewhat. I DO like him, I just can’t see myself falling in love with him. I kind of hope that he feels the same, because otherwise I will ultimately hurt his feelings, and I would hate to do that.

Anyway, I have another date lined up for this week. No big deal, more of a meet-and-greet than a date, but nonetheless I am going out with a new guy. Obviously I do not plan on telling BigBoy about the date. But regardless of the fact that he won’t know about it, I’m concerned that he might think we are exclusively dating and wouldn’t understand me going out with another guy. But I sure as hell don’t want to bring it up, because I’m a little scared it will end up with us deciding not to date other people. And once we’ve done that, then I am his girlfriend for sure, and I am definitely leading him on.

Turns out I’m not mature enough to date. I avoid these real discussions like the plague, and I worry more about what I’m getting than I do about what I’m giving.

On a somewhat related note, this guy I’m going out with on Thursday is a guy that I’ve emailed with off and on probably for about 2 months now. I’ve been hedging about getting together because I don’t really have a burning desire to meet up with the guy. The emails are boring. So I basically said I’d get together with him just to be polite. So I’m not really expecting it to go anywhere, I’m more or less just wanting to get it over with.

Anway, so I told him that I could get together on Thursday evening. He emailed back and said that worked for him, and have I given any thought to where and what time? Um….no. That’s why I’m the FEMALE. Man up and make a plan! It is just dinner. So that did not please me very much.

Big head, small brain….

{ April 25, 2007 @ 8:52 pm } · { These people are killing me, dating, love, online dating, relationships }
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The human head is bigger than the globe. It conceives itself as containing more. It can think and rethink itself and ourselves from any desired point outside the gravitational pull of the earth. It starts by writing one thing and later reads itself as something else. The human head is monstrous.”
-Gunter Grass

 So this is an email I received on match.  *Sigh……shakes head*

What the hell does it mean?  I thought he was saying that I have a big head, which I didn’t find very complimentary.  But I wasn’t sure, so I consulted a couple of my friends (because of course I like to run the weird ones by them).  First I talked to a friend of mine that heretofor will be referred to as “ManWhore”.  I chat with ManWhore on a daily basis, so I forwarded him the email and told him that I was afraid this guy was saying I have a big head.  He said, “I think he is saying you have big boobs and he wants to put his head there.”  Hmm, ok.   There’s a thought, although not a very probable one, since this guy doesn’t know how big my breasts are.  But I guess we know where ManWhore’s head is.   

Still not sure, I consulted another friend that I talk to an a daily basis, who shall be referred to as Jaded Lawyer Girl (“Jaded”).  Jaded told me she is pretty sure he is a serial killer who collects heads.  (Side note – seriously, Jaded, lay off the true crime novels)

So there you go.  Funny little thing, this perception business, isn’t it?  So obviously I have no idea why he put that quote in his email, or why, for the love of all things holy, he thought it would entice me to write back to him.  Perhaps it is a very lovely quote about the brain power of man or some such nonsense.  Unfortunately (fortunately?), I am not that deep.  Nor do I aspire to be.  Maybe I need to rethink what I said in my profile, because I’m starting to wonder what it was that inspired the majority of responses I’ve gotten.

 Guys, there is a pretty wide gap between not trying enough and trying too hard.  On the one hand, if you just wink at me or send me a pre-packaged ice-breaker, I’m probably not going to respond, unless your profile is fantastic (and if you can’t be original enough to send an actual email, it probably isn’t).  On the other hand, keep it simple.  I don’t need fancy quotes or pick-up lines.     And don’t over-shoot.  Avoid words like stunning, gorgeous, beautiful – it’s too much and feels disingenuine.  Do NOT call me sweetie, honey, or baby – I don’t know you from a hole in the wall.  Just let me know you think I’m cute and you liked my profile for whatever reason.  Maybe tell me a little something about yourself.  That’s all. 

But really, maybe I do need new pictures that make my head look smaller…..

To all the men who may have borne my babies….

{ April 23, 2007 @ 10:27 pm } · { These people are killing me, life, love, online dating, relationships }
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So I got an email today from a potential match.  Regardless of my initial impression, I always read the profile, just to be fair.  His profile started off fairly normal.  Then he wanted to ask his potential mates a question, to help determine what kind of person they are.  The question was something along these lines:  “what would you do if you got a call telling youthat you had a child out of wedlock from a one-night-stand in a foreign country?”

Oh, where to start……..

I have to say, I would be PRETTY DAMN SHOCKED if that happened.  My (disappointing?) lack of overseas one-night-stands notwithstanding, I’d be hard-pressed to come up with a response if faced with the fact that some indiscretion ended up with me getting some poor man pregnant.  What does one say in such a situation?

So women, please, be careful.  Not only is there a trail around the globe of broken hearts you left in your wake after your vacation abroad, but apparently a string of unwed pregnant men. 

But seriously, why the hell would you write that in your profile?  Save your skeletons for AT LEAST date number 4 (the first and second dates are too soon, and God knows you will NOT end up with a successful “third date” if you whip that story out prematurely).

Come on guys, you have to put your best foot forward on your profile.  And I’m certainly not suggesting that you lie, but please, you have to pretty it up.  At least take what you’ve got and make it shine a little bit.  Of course you should mention if you have children (and BTW, when a woman says they are looking for someone without children, she usually means it), but we don’t need to hear the details of the conception. 

It’s a good thing I am now in my six months free with my online dating service, because some days I just think quitting is a better option than making myself read the emails and profiles….I just get too sad and want to offer what I consider to be helpful advice for writing a profile (not that mine has been so wildy successful).  It is like when I go to church (roughly 4 times a year) and all I can do is look at the people and think about how they could do better with their hair and/or clothing.  I might be missing the forest for the trees………

But at least it occupies my time, I guess. 

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