Archive for relationships

Movin’ On Up (Or Not)

{ April 28, 2009 @ 3:52 am } · { love, moving in, relationships }
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I feel sort of hopeless about the moving in together thing.  Like it may never happen.

I already knew there were obstacles.  Like I discussed in my last post.  He has a condo, he has to sell it, that could take a long time, blah blah blah.  You’ve heard it all before. 

But I was at his place over the weekend, and he was showing me some houses that he was looking at online.  And I said, “Babe, do you anticipate buying a house that is currently on the market[?]“, because it seems impossible to me that it could all happen quickly enough.  We started talking about the whole thing.

Then we came to money issues.  Namely, how the hell does one come up with 20% down?  I have quite a bit of money saved, but certainly not 20%.  He has equity in his condo, so when he sells it, he’ll have that money.  It might get us close to 20%.  But not quite.  So then he started talking about how I might be eligible for first time home-buyers programs.  Ok, fine.

But I had to break it to him that I don’t intend for us to jointly purchase property without any kind of commitment in our relationship.  I’ve been reluctant to bring it up, because I don’t want to seem like I’m pushing him into something or that I’m punishing him for not having asked me to marry him yet.  I just don’t think it is a smart idea.  Because if we break up?  We’ll basically have to go through a divorce without ever having been married.  We will have to sell the house, or one of us will have to buy the other one out of the property.  A huge mess. 

So then what are our options?  He could buy the house alone.  But then he will get approved for much less of a mortgage since I won’t be on it.  So our housing choices will be much more limited.  Ugh. 

Am I shooting myself in the foot here?  I don’t want to make it more difficult, but I also don’t want to jump the gun. Buying a house is a big deal for me.  Moving in together is a big deal for me.  I don’t take it lightly. 

So anyway, he basically said, well, I don’t think we should make more of a commitment until we live together.  And I understand that, I do.  I could go either way, myself.  I don’t mind living together before getting married, but I could do it the other way too. 

But the fact that he is so adamant about us living together before getting engaged or married sort of reinforces my point, I think.  What is basically boils down to is that he isn’t sure.  And why do I want to tie myself financially to someone who isn’t sure?

I don’t love it that he is still unsure, but I do understand it.  He’s just being careful and cautious, and that is not a bad thing.  I’m not one to rush into anything either, but it really is getting to be time.  I need to know that this is going where I want it to go, and that it isn’t going to take several more years to get there. 

We haven’t talked about marriage really at all because he brought it up and I didn’ t want bring it up because I didn’t want to be THAT girl.  Always talking (whining) about getting married.  I didn’t want to push him (or anyone) into marrying me.  It’s just so cliche – you know?   But as my friend recently reminded me, “you have to be some form of THAT girl.  THAT girl?  Is married.  You are not.  Do the math.”

I also didn’t want to be THAT girl who is desperately listening to her biological clock ticking.  Because we know how it ends for that girl (Mary and Bachelor Bob, anyone?).  In three and a half hears I will be 35, and I think we all know what that means (unless you happen to be male, dear reader).  I’ve never been concerned with things happening at a certain pace or in a certain time, but now I find myself concerned about it.  I want things to happen totally organically, but maybe that isn’t realistic.  I don’t know. 

I know it will all work out, I just want it to be sooner rather than later.  And I’m getting impatient.

What’s new?

{ January 30, 2009 @ 3:21 am } · { dating, life, moving in, relationships }
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I had such good intentions for several posts I was going to write in January, discussing my goals for the new year and whatnot.  That didn’t happen.  But suffice it to say that none of it was terribly original anyway.  I mostly have the same goals as everyone else.  Blah blah blah, you know?

Anyway, I’ve been gone for a while.  Not from my life, just from this blog.  When everything is going along normally, I don’t have much to write about, I guess.  I guess I need more angst.  Not that I want it.  I would rather have writer’s block than genuine angst, I guess.

So what have I been up to lately?  More of the same, mostly.  I saw Wicked over the weekend.  It was the last weekend in Chicago, and I hadn’t realized it was leaving until the last minute, so I got totally nailed on the ticket prices, but I did manage to get tickets so B and I had a nice night out in the city.  Wicked was great, by the way.  Go see it if you can when it tours. 

Also, I got a new car!  Yay!  I am 30 years old (for another month) and this is my first new car ever!  Actually it is the first car that I’ve ever really bought.  The last one I bought from my mom, so I don’t think that counts.  I am extremely lucky that I had gotten a rather large settlement (on one of my cases I was working on) right before my tangle with the plow truck, so I was able to buy the car.  Had I gotten in the accident about 3 weeks earlier, I would have cried a lot of tears worrying about how I was going to get a new car.  Sadly, I cleaned out the savings account I had just opened, but I had enough to buy the new car (Honda CR-V) and don’t have to worry about a car payment.   So I was happy.  Now I’m back to poor.  It was so nice to have a nice savings account for once.  It was fun while it lasted. 

Speaking of financials, I had one beast of a year last year.  I just got my W-2 today, and it was not pretty.  But this year has already started off extremely well for me and I have another big settlement coming.  So I finally feel better about my financial security (something that has always been an issue for me, especially because of my very very large student loans).  I hope those kind of worries are behind me.  But I guess those kind of worries never go away, right?

As for B and I – well, we’ve been dating for two years now.  Things are moving along.  For the last month or two I have really been starting to feel anxious about us moving in together.  Not anxious nervous, but anxious ready.  We’ve talked about it for a while, as you guys know, but I never felt like I was in a big rush.  Always there have been hurdles for both of us to get over before it could happen.  For me, I need to find a job closer to where he lives.  For him, he needs to fix a few things in his house and sell it before he could buy a new (and bigger) one.  I’ve basically decided that I would move up there, even with the job I have now.  And perhaps the commute would motivate me to finally hit the job trail harder than I have in the past (and present). 

So now I feel like I’m waiting on him and I want it to happen soon. 

And before I always figured that he would buy a new house (and that’s how he talks about it too), and then I would move in with him.  But now that I have more cases paying out and will have substantial amounts of capital to contribute, he has said a few things about us buying it together.  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  It seems like too big of a commitment given that we are not married (or at least engaged).  Even when I had roommates I never wanted to jointly buy anything, because at some point you move on, and then who takes the item that you bought together?  And obviously a house is a much bigger deal.  Of course I wouldn’t even move in with him if I thought we were going to break up, but one never knows.  What do you think?  I guess when it gets closer to becoming a reality we will have to talk about it. 

Anyway.  Anyone watch Lost last night?  I love you, Lost, but the time travel thing is super annoying.  Seriously.  Stop it.  Same goes for Izzy’s ghost on Grey’s Anatomy.  He’s gotta go.

You have to give a little, take a little….

{ December 15, 2008 @ 5:56 am } · { family, holidays, love, relationships }
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I’m just now realizing that being in a relationship means that I have to compromise, which essentially just boils down to this little fact:  I don’t always get what I want.

I never said I wasn’t selfish, folks. 

The current compromise is Christmas.  This will be nothing new to those of you who have been in adult relationships before.  Christmas is a tricky time….how to fit everybody in?  A common problem, but one I’ve never had to concern myself with before.  And actually it isn’t really going to be a problem, things actually worked out easier this year than they normally do.  I don’t have to travel, which is pretty much uprecendented for me considering my dad lives one state over and my mom live half the country away.  Miraculously, this year it worked out that everyone is coming my way. 

The only wrinkle in the plan is that there is some overlap between B’s family’s get together and mine.  Nothing we can’t handle, but I’m not going to lie, I sometimes wish I didn’t have to deal with it.  Terrible, I know. 

I just still feel awkward around his family.  And we will be going to his mom’s house, which is about 2 hours away and will be spending two nights there.  I don’t mind it, we’ve done that before, but this time his brother, sister-in-law, nephew and niece will be there too.  Also no big deal, but I feel super awkward about the morning thing.  I feel weird getting out of bed with in my pajamas, with bed head and morning breath, and hanging out with the fam.  Not to mention that I really hate getting ready at other people’s houses.  I take a long time.  And then feel like everyone is waiting on me.  I’m just the sort of person who doesn’t go anywhere without a shower, full make-up, and my hair done.  (And trust me, this sounds more impressive than it is…..if you saw me you would never realize how much time and effort I put into the whole deal).  Not that it is a big deal for people to see me in the morning without make-up or whatever, but I don’t know, it feels too intimate somehow.  Am I alone here, people? 

Anyway, I’m trying to get him to agree to come home the second night instead of staying over, and that way I’ll only be there for one morning and only his mom will be there then.  She’s already been through my morning routine.  Also my dad and family is coming here the next day so I’d rather get an early start with them than spend the morning at B’s mom’s house and still have the drive home.   I’m very happy that B and I will be together for all of the Christmas festivities with both of our families, I just wish it didn’t interfere with the time I have with my family.  I shouldn’t complain, because this year is going to be easier than most years I’m sure.

I’m trying to keep the selfishness all in my head.  Because I want to be fair.  And I don’t want to give him and/or his family short shrift, because they’ve had a rough year and it is their first Christmas without his dad. 

Oh!  And B decided that our mothers should meet.  I said, well, that’s fine, but I don’t think this will be the time because my mom will only be in town for essentially one day.  But it worked out that she will be joining us (me, my mom, stepdad, sister, and B) for Christmas Eve.  Yikes.  I’m sure it will be fine, I’m just not good at mixing groups.  I think it will be a little awkward, but as long as everyone (read:  my sister and step-dad) behaves themselves, it should be manageable. 

Anyway, enough about me and my self-centeredness.   I’m making myself sound bad.

I’m finding that buying B Christmas presents this year is much easier than last year.  I guess I just know him so much better.  I’m actually enjoying it.    And I’m interested to see if it is easier for him too.  Remember last year, folks, with the Crocs??  Shudder.  Anyway, I have been confining my shopping to late evenings, because I just don’t have the patience for the ALL the people.  And the traffic.  Ugh. 

I am already regretting one gift I bought for him.   I was shopping at Linens and Things, which is one its last couple of weeks in business.  Everything 50% off.  So I saw this stupid football snack bowl.  Shaped like a football, has a little button that when you push it, the top swings open and the football theme song comes on.  A dumb gift, ok, I know.  But it was cheap and kind of funny.  But it occurs to me now that I’m not going to find it nearly as charming should we combine households at some point.  B will want to display it or use it at dinner parties.  But all sales are final, so he’s getting it.  If we move in together I’ll just trash it with his hideously ugly coffee table.  Or banish it to the basement with all the other sports paraphernalia that he has sitting around his house now.  I’ll figure it out.

Only 5 more days until my boss takes a 3 week vacay for the holidays!  I enjoy the time apart from him almost as much as I enjoy the holidays themselves…

Why is coming up with a title so hard?

{ September 26, 2008 @ 6:12 pm } · { dating, family, life, relationships }
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Hey Guys!  I haven’t posted in a while.  Just been a busy week, I guess.  My dad and step-mom are coming to visit for the weekend, so I have been a lot of prep work.  Which basically just means cleaning.  I hate to admit it, but I’m a bit of a slob.  Not in a dirty way, but on any given day I may have most of the contents of my closet strewn across my room, and I have a ginormous pile of shoes that never goes away.  I just don’t have anywhere to put them.  And how many pairs of them are in my regular rotation?  Oh, about 5, probably. 

Also I decided that my house wasn’t enough of a mess already, so I decided to paint my bedroom (a task I have been meaning to accomplish since March).  So yeah, that was fun.

Anyway, thank you for all the comments on my last post.  They were all well thought out, and I thought there was good stuff in all of them.

Ultimately, I was just having a moment of insecurity.  Which, God knows I do from time to time.  I did talk to B about it when I saw him over the weekend.  Told him that sometimes I think he would never want to give up the bachelor life.  He said basically, no.  He enjoys his life right now, but he also wants other things.  The priorities he has right now will not always be his priorities.   

Also, as much as he enjoys his single man life, I don’t think it would be the same if he didn’t have me in his life.  He has been a single boy since the beginning of time, and there is a reason why he wanted to find someone.  All the baseball/football (I am SERIOUSLY regretting the start of football season) games in the world do not add up to more than having love in your life.  (I know all you men out there are shaking your heads right now, saying “huh?  What in the world is she talking about?).  In any case, I, like most women before me, am not going to force poor B to choose between me and his sports.  That would be silly.  I just always want to feel confident that I am a priority for him. 

Anyway, just to clarify, I never meant that I am anxious to get married now.  B and I are not at the point where it is either fish or cut bait.  Of course, I wouldn’t (and I assume he wouldn’t) bother to keep on dating if I didn’t think we had a future together.  But I’ve never been bothered by the pace of our relationship, and if anything, I’ve been the one wanting to take things slow.  I just wanted to make sure that he considers it a possibility.

Oh, and for those of you who asked, B and I have been dating for about, er…..18 months.  But we got off to a pretty slow start, because we only see each other on weekends, and I wasn’t completely sold at the beginning.

So anway, I cleared up my issues, and except for a little tantrum I threw when I realized that no, we weren’t going to get to play golf like I wanted (and we had discussed) because the Bears kicked off at noon.  Silly me.  I had totally forgotten about football and the havoc it wreaks on our Sundays.  Which isn’t a big deal, except that Sunday happens to be the only real day we get to spend together, and I hate football.  But I managed to ease the pain with some retail therapy while he watched the game.

I’m looking forward to this visit with my dad and stepmom.  It has been two years since they have been here to visit me.  We have tickets to the Sox game (and don’t even get me started on how I feel about the Sox right now, after they TOTALLY blew it in Minnesota), so that should be a good time.  And I’m happy that B and my parents get to spend some more time together.  I like it when they get to hang out together and B can see how great my parents are and why I love them so much, and vice versa.  And we are having such wonderful indian summer weather here lately, so I love to be outside soaking up what is left it.

Have a great weekend!

Let not your hearts be heavy

{ August 27, 2008 @ 2:18 am } · { death, family, love, relationships, worries }
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That’s what the priest at B’s dad’s funeral kept repeating:  “Let not your hearts be heavy”. 

Easier said than done though, right?

NotAmy reminded me after my last post that although the services were over and life was back to normal, likely the death of B’s father will affect us for quite some time to come. 

It’s not my father.  I try to thank God every day for that very thing – keeping my family healthy.  It’s no small thing, that I know for sure.  So for me, life as usual resumes, and it is easy to forget that the same isn’t true for my B.  He is still hurting so much,  and sleeping fitfully at night.  But he’s brave and he’s a man, so he doesn’t talk about it, and I follow his lead and gloss over it as well.   But said or unsaid, it is still there.  Indeed, his heart is heavy.

B has made it clear that he intends to visit his mother every weekend.  Indefinitely, I guess.  His parents moved about 2.5 hours away last year, to a city where they know no one.  So now his mom is all alone, with all of her family back here.  B is worried about his mom and I think feels some sort of responsibility to take care of her, even though she is a very capable woman and doesn’t really need taken care of.  But he has decided that he will go to see her every weekend. 

As you dear readers know, because of the distance between my house and B’s, I only get to see B on weekends.  And regrettably, weekends are only two days long.  So B doesn’t have time to visit his mother and see me.   All of our plans have fallen by the wayside for the forseeable future.

Initially, I’m slightly irritated, I’m not going to lie.  And believe me, I know how selfish that is.  But it just makes me sad not to see B.  I want to be with him.  But it isn’t about me.  And I have to keep reminding myself that it has been less than two weeks since B’s dad passed away.  So I have to be patient and supportive and understanding.  I just wish it came a little more naturally to me than it does.  Regardless, I know I can’t lay my issues on top of what he’s already dealing with, so I’ll suck it up.  I’ve been trying to figure out what I can do to make this time easier on B, and I guess this is it – allow him to do what he feels he needs to do without hassling him.

Of course, I’m glad that B is the kind of man who can be counted on, and will do anything for his family.  I know those same qualities make him a caring partner, and will someday make him a wonderful father.  I just miss him, that’s all.   

My heart too is heavy.

I don’t know what to say…

{ August 15, 2008 @ 2:47 am } · { death, love, relationships }
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B’s dad passed away tonight.

Out of nowhere.  Heart attack, I think.  The information I’ve had, that B himself has had, has been pretty scarce. 

He called me.  First to tell me that his dad had gone to the hospital and had arm pain.  Evidently they told him it was an infection, but they wanted him to go to a larger hospital because of his leukemia.  Now, he has leukemia, has had it the entire time I’ve known B, but I think it is some kind of chronic leukemia that wasn’t life threatening.  But anyway, they wanted him to go to the other hospital and they were going to do some tests on him there. 

Twenty minutes later he called me again and said it didn’t look good.  And I said, what do you mean, babe?  He said his mom, who was about 30 minutes away from the hospital at that time (I assume his dad was flown there) was told that he went into cardiac arrest and that they were performing CPR on him.  “I don’t understand,” I said, “they are still performing CPR on him?”  B said he didn’t know, but he thought that was just what they told his mom since she was still driving there.  It took my breath away, even the thought of it.  But B let me go so he could go to his brother’s house and the two of them could drive up there.

20 minutes later I got another call from B.  He was practically wailing.  One of the worst sounds I’ve ever heard.  All he could say was, “[h]e’s gone.” 

I cried (as I had been since he first told me that he probably wasn’t going to make it) and asked him where he was.  He was still at his brother’s house, so I asked if he wanted me to come over.  He said yes, and gave me the address.  As I was getting ready he called me back and said not to come because he and his brother were going to pick up their mom, who was at the hospital alone, several hours away.

So I can’t be with him right now, and I hate it.  I want to hold him in my arms, stroke his back, do whatever he needs me to do.  I can’t do that right now, and it is breaking my heart.  I can’t imagine what he is going through.  I, even in my darkest moments, cannot even allow myself to think about losing one of my parents.  I can’t even go there, even for a minute. 

Ok, deep breath.

I need to be able to pull myself together, for him.

The Great Outdoors

{ July 25, 2008 @ 4:58 am } · { relationships, travel }
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So a couple of months ago B asked me to go on vacation with him the first week of August.  Who doesn’t love vacation, right?

Well, this is not exactly the vacation of my dreams for a number of reasons.  But I should start of by saying that this is B’s family vacation.  The SAME EXACT vacation his family has been taking for 25 years.  Um, yeah.  Folks?  There are a lot of places to see, it might be time to expand your horizons.  Anyway, they like it I guess.   B’s brother and his family don’t go anymore because the kids are too busy, so this year it will just be me, B, and his folks.  For an entire week.  In Wisconsin. 

Yeah.

Now, if any of you are from WI, or like to visit WI or whatever, I don’t mean to be offensive.  It’s just that camping is not my cup of tea.  I know there are beautiful places in WI – Lake Geneva, Door County, etc.  We will not be going to those places.  No.  We will be, near as I can tell, in the middle of nowhere.  And it is just that it is not exactly the type of vacation that I typically like (read:  tropical). 

At first I tried to be polite about it to B – pretending that I thought it sounded fun.  So I would casually ask, “so, what do you do when you go up there?”   And he would tell me that he would fish and golf.  Hmmm.  Then I’d say, “well, what am I going to be doing up there?”  And the only answer he has ever given me is “relax”. 

Listen, I can relax.  I have absolutely no problem laying around.  I do it in my house ALL the time.  I don’t mind doing it on vacation either.  It’s just that I’m normally doing it on the beach, the beautiful ocean in front of me, sipping boat drinks.  This is not going to be like that. 

As the trip gets closer, I’ve gotten more aggressive with my questioning (/whining).  I’ve been trying to find activities that we can do to fill the time?  Is there white-water rafting?  No.  Do you guys have a boat?  No.  Um, is there shopping?  No.  Uh, is there any festivals around?  No. 

But never fear, dear readers.  Since I was whining, B called his mom and asked what she and his aunt (who goes there with them) would be doing during the week.  Turns out they will be going to several craft fairs during the week, and guess what?!  I am invited to go with!  So that’s what I get for my bitching.  Note to self:  next time just shut up and take some books to read.

I keep saying, I’m sorry babe, but I’m not a camper.  And he gets annoyed with me and keeps telling me, “It is not camping, [J],” in his best crabby voice.  And I know that it’s not – we’ll have a cabin at the “resort” with electricity and running water.  But no air conditioning.  And it is all wildernessy.  I don’t hunt, I don’t fish.

He says, oh, you can fish.  Why don’t you want to fish?  Well, there’s a couple of reasons.  I don’t like to touch fish, I don’t like to eat fish, I don’t like to smell fish, I don’t like to clean fish, I don’ t like to touch worms, I don’t like to touch minnows, I don’t like to touch any other kind of bait, I don’t like to throw fish back in the water with hook holes in their mouths, I don’t like to sit still and quiet for hours on end hoping for a bite. 

Yeah, so I don’t like to fish.

So I’m not exactly looking forward to this trip like I normally would a vacation.  And our cabin?  Is right by Ma and Pa’s.  With the windows open.  So yeah, evening extracurriculars will probably be kept to a minimum. 

Also?  I don’t think I have any appropriate clothing.  I’m pretty sure the first day I walk out in heels the others are going to be all “why did you bring this broad up here?”

All of that being said, I’m actually (finally) starting to look forward to it.  For one, I won’t have to hear my boss’s voice for an entire week.  Ahhhhhhh.  Secondly, of course I’m happy to spend some real time with B.  He and I have such a good time together and there is never nearly enough of it, so that’s great.  And there is a possibility that I’m picturing this place all wrong, right?  Maybe there is more to do than I think.  I’m hoping so.  But I went to Borders tonight and stocked up on some reading material just the same. 

Oh, the things we do for love.

Home again

{ July 14, 2008 @ 3:29 am } · { aging, dating, friends, goals, life, relationships, weekend }
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Well, this weekend I left my car woes behind and took a trip home.  My girlfriends and I continued our 30th Birthday tour with my friend Tara’s birthday.  Tara is easily one of the best people I know.  Such a sweetheart and she would do anything for anyone.  I just love her.

Anyway, Tara’s big day was this weekend, so one of my other friends hosted a party at her house.  B was able to come with me, which was great (and also necessary since I was not going to be driving too far on my donut spare tire).  I like for him to come home with me, so he can get to know my friends better and because I think it is the best way for him to really know me in a way that I don’t think is fully accomplished otherwise.  Of course I try to be completely myself all of the time around B and his friends, but of course I don’t relate to his friends in the same way I relate to my own.  I just have so much fun with them, and I know B can see that.  And I think he really enjoys himself too.  My girlfriends like to ask inappropriate questions, and I enjoy watching B squirm and try to answer their questions. 

Last night one of my friends asked him where was the most unusual place that he’s ever had sex, and he just made up some silly answer.  He didn’t really have an answer.  He and I really need to work on that, because I don’t have a good answer for that question either.  I think we need to be more adventurous. 

One of my friends had a baby about a month ago.  I hadn’t met her yet, so I was excited when they came to the party for a little while with the baby.  When she was born she was only 4 pounds, and she is now up to 9 pounds, but she was still so so tiny.  And sweet.  I just loved her.  So I held her for quite some time.  B came inside after a while (he was outside with the boys while us girls were inside oohing and aahing over the baby) and said he some of them came outside to make a point of telling him I held the baby and I was doing a good job (although there is nothing too tricky about it).  Apparently that was big news.  You know how women are, “Oooh, J’s holding the baby!  I think she’s ready to have kids.”  Funny.  But whoa!!  No, definitely not ready yet.  I love babies (and children) and definitely feel the clock ticking and that little twinge when I see babies, but situationally, I’m not in the right place.  I try to picture me and my little baby living in my tiny one bedroom apartment, and me with no maternity insurance and no paid maternity leave.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure it isn’t the right time.

Anyway, a couple of you have expressed interest in a topic I discussed a while ago – how B and I had briefly talked about living together.  Nothing really new has developed in that area.  The problem is that right now we live and work pretty far apart, and I’m not anxious to add a long long commute onto my day.  So we won’t really explore the moving in together thing until one or both of us has a new job.  But its not like I’m actively hitting the job trail.  I need a new job and I do a lot of looking around for a new job, but that is about as far as it goes.  I’m somewhat intimidated by the whole job search/interview process, so that holds me back.  But I think a new job is definitely something that needs to happen within the next year, so I’m going to have to be more proactive about it.  And B wants a new job too, so at some point I think it will all come together, but it isn’t happening right now.  So we don’t really talk about it all that much because of the other changes that need to happen first. 

Oh, why do the weekends go so fast??  There’s just never enough time.  It’s Monday morning again tomorrow, and I’m just dreading it.

I guess that’s why they call it the blues…

{ June 25, 2008 @ 4:32 am } · { dating, is it just me?, life, love, neuroses, relationships, unattractive }
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SF (and Elton John)- thanks for the title.  Didn’t mean to steal it from you, but it fit. 

Kinda blue today.

I don’t know why, specifically.  A combination of not feeling all that well and stress at work.

But whenever I’m in this kind of mood, I tend to take it out on my relationship with B.  All of my negative feelings surface and I focus on them.

I need this boy to love me in a way that I don’t think he does.  I want him to be captivated by my words, find me beautiful, think that I’m brilliant and funny, basically adore me and be proud to be with me. 

Ok, so maybe that’s a little bit too much.  I’m a real person with real flaws, and I don’t expect them to go unnoticed.  But at the very least, I would like him to, no, I need him to be interested in what I’m talking about, engage in conversation with me, understand my sense of humor, and in general, be happy to be with me.  I don’t mind conflict or argument (I am an attorney, for Pete’s sake, so I can handle it), and I think you need to have some conflict in your relationship so that wants and needs can be more defined and understood.

It’s not that B isn’t a good boyfriend.  He is.  He treats me very respectfully, and he would do anything for me.  But I don’t always think he gets me.  Sometimes I feel like I’m just someone for him to be with.  Like his love for me has nothing to do with me personally.  I would be afraid to ask him what it is that he likes/loves about me, because I’m very nervous that he wouldn’t be able to come up with an answer. 

Part of the problem is that it is not his nature to really discuss his feelings.  I asked him about a month ago about affection in his family.  Basically what he told me is that there is none.  His parents never showed him physical affection or told him that they loved him.  They are nice people, and certainly do love their family (and he knows that), but like a lot of people, it just isn’t their way to openly express it. 

My family is not entirely different.  My dad is affectionate, my mom isn’t.  My relationship with her doesn’t suffer for it – we are very close.  And she is better now than she used to be, but she isn’t a huggy,  PTA type of mother.  My dad on the other hand (as well as his extended family) is affectionate.  He liked to hug me as a child, and hold my hand and tuck me in at night. 

So as B and I had this conversation, he said, “oh, so you are more like your dad.”  And I had never really thought of myself that way.  Because affection is not that easy for me to give in a romantic relationship.  I have to get it before I can get it.  The more comfortable I am, the easier it is, but I don’t jump into a relationship quickly, physically or emotionally.   And B is reasonably phsyically affectionate.  It comes in waves.  He was definitely more affectionate at the beginning our of relationship than he is now.    And so I’ve become fairly affectionate with him, and now I do a lot more touching than he does.

Anyway, I got off track there.  Anyway, I know that just because B doesn’t express his feeling for me doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have them.  Of course, he tells me that he loves me.  But in a more perfunctory way, at certain times, like when I’m leaving.  Not in a “I’m really feeling it right now” kind of way.  And that is ok, I don’t necessarily need him saying the words all the time.  But I need to feel it somehow.  We have moments when I feel it.  But I’m not sure it all adds up to enough. 

I need to know that there are specific things that he likes about me.  I need to know that he finds me attractive.  I need to know that he wants to be with me, that he misses me when we are apart all week every week.  I need our phone conversations during the week to be at least a little more than just a recitation of our days.  I hate to fish for compliments.  I find it humiliating to ask if he finds me attractive, if he misses me, to make a joke about him finding me charming.   But I do it, because sometimes I need to hear it.  But when I do fish for it?  Still NOTHING. 

For example, here is an exchange we had tonight.  And believe me, I’m embarrassed even to write this.  But anyway:

Me:  I still haven’t taken my dress (for a wedding this weekend) in to get hemmed yet.  I definitely need to do that tomorrow.

B:  Why didn’t you do that today?

Me:   Well, just because when I came home from work I wasn’t feeling well, so I took a nap, and just didn’t end up to getting around to it.  Plus, I feel self-conscious when I have to put on a dress for the tailor to pin up.  I’m always worried they are thinking that I shouldn’t be wearing this dress.  I know that is stupid, considering I’ll be wearing the dress in public on Saturday, but I can’t help it.

B:  I’m sure they’ve seen everything.

Me:  I know.  But I don’t want them to put me in that same category:  gnarly people they have to deal with.

B:  I’m sure its fine.

Me:  Do you think I’m gnarly?

B:  No.

Me:…..do you think I’m cute?

B:  Yeah (in an unconvincing tone of voice).

Now, mind you, I know my part of that conversation was nothing to brag about.  I’m not saying that I don’t have my issues.   But seriously, the best compliment I ever get from him is “you look nice”.  And that doesn’t come very often, believe me.

I truly don’t think I’m needy.  I don’t need him to hang all over me, I don’t need him to shower me with compliments.  But I need SOMETHING.  Anything, really.  Some spark of life, some indication that I mean something to him. 

I know that he loves me in some sense.  I know that he sees me in his future.   We’ve made vacations plans, he’s talked about us moving in together at some point, things like that.  But I need to be more than just a person to be with. 

I know, I need, I need, I need.  I don’t mean to make it sound like the relationship is all about me.  But my blog is.   And honestly, if he needs something from me that I’m not giving, I would be happy to hear it, really.  I would honestly be happy that he gives our relationship some thought, as well as thinking about what he is looking for.  I don’t want to be unreasonable.  And having very little experience with relationships, I just don’t know.  What is reasonable and what isn’t?  I know relationships have ups and downs and everything is not all candlelight and roses and grand gestures of love.  Like I said, I know still waters run deep.  And I understand that not everyone expresses their feelings very freely and openly.  I certainly don’t.  But I gotta have something. 

Ignore me.  I’m just in a mood.

Batting A Thousand

{ June 12, 2008 @ 3:08 am } · { baseball, dating, love, neuroses, relationships, worries }
{ } · { Comments (6) }

So B called me after work tonight.  He was on his way to go out, I was out at the mall.  We were just chatting, and he was telling me that they (see my previous post) had a good time at the game.  And he was telling me how bad traffic was and how long it took them to get there.  Great, I thought, more time spent together.

So in my typical perfect-timing fashion, I told him that it makes me a little uncomfortable when he hangs out with other women alone. 

Silence.

“Rebecca is my co-worker,” he tells me, with the slightest touch of irritation and defensiveness.

“And yet……she is still woman, no?”

“Well, yeah.”

“Listen, I’m not saying that you can’t hang out with her or other women, I’m just saying it makes me a little uncomfortable, especially when it is a girl I don’t know.”

“But you’ve met Rebecca.”

“I know, but I don’t know her.  The only things I know about her is that she is newly divorced and she saw your man parts at the Christmas Party.”

So then he proceeds to tell me about her – about the work she does, and how his friend M fixed up her townhouse when her husband moved out, and how she has had a really bad year.  In addition to the her divorce, her 28 year old cousin passed away from a brain tumor, and her aunt passed away also from cancer about a year later.  So she is going through a rough time.

So, yeah, I’m an asshole.  A selfish paranoid asshole.  Here I am begrudging this poor girl a good time out with my boyfriend. 

But really, all I was thinking was that all of the facts that he was giving me about Rebecca are not the kind of things I need to know in order to feel comfortable with them being alone together.  

But after that I just let it drop because like I said, I wasn’t trying to say that he shouldn’t have women friends (although I would be happier if he didn’t have SINGLE women friends that he hang out with alone).  I suppose there was no point in even telling him that it bothered me a little, but what can I say, sometimes I like to hear myself talk.   Sometimes I even like to hear myself whine.  Kinda like right now.

Ok, I’m done.  Oh, and Kara, SF, and RWG?   Thanks for the comments on my last post.  It always helps to get input from others so that I know I’m not totally nuts/paranoid and what might be an adult way to handle the situation. 

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