Archive for size

I’m bringing sexy back…

{ July 17, 2008 @ 1:42 am } · { clothing, is it just me?, neuroses, random thoughts, sex, size }
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When was the first time you felt sexy?  That you had an awareness of your body?

As I was driving home from work today, I saw a group of kids, they were walking, so I’m assuming they were younger than 16.  Anyway, one of them was wearing a form-fitting shirt and seemed very self-possessed, and I suddenly flashed back to the first time I had such an awareness of my body. 

It was when I was 15.  Now, prior to that time I was not completely innocent.  I had made out with boys, had been probably to about 2nd base.  Well, rather, I had allowed a boy to get to my second base, I had never actually touched a boy.  Mostly because it had never even occurred to me. 

Its not that I hadn’t thought about my looks, because of course I had.  I worried about my hair and my clothes and the little bit of makeup that I knew how to put on.  I knew the boys thought I was cute.  But I had not conceived that I could possibly be sexy. 

Anyway, so my best friend came over and brought some clothes with her.  We were going to the County Fair, and of course, one must look good to do so.  I’m kind of embarrassed at the thought of it now, but it was the place to be back then.  So I had these brand new shorts that were hip huggers and I thought they were just soooo cool.  I put on one of my friend’s tops and looked in the mirror.  Oh my gosh, I thought, this is tight!  It wasn’t really tight, but much more form-fitted than the t-shirts (this was before the time when t-shirts came with a fitted female cut) I normally wore.  I asked my friend, “are you sure I should wear this?  Do I look fat?  Is my stomach hanging out?”  We decided that it was fine, and away we went. 

So we went to the fair and met up with a couple of boys that we use to hang out with.  One of them really noticed me and told me I looked really good in the outfit.  He wanted to get together with me after that, but I said no thanks, he had never liked me before, so really all he liked was me in my best friend’s clothes. 

But it gave me a sense of empowerment that I hadn’t had previously and was my first taste of feeling sexy.  It is a feeling that I never fully relaxed into, and it is a way that I never really feel anymore.   Sometimes I wish I still had that feeling.  And sometimes I wish I never had that awareness of my body, because it can lead to too much worrying about it, placing to much emphasis on it.  What if my arms are too flabby, or my boobs too big, my legs too short? 

Anyway.

Stuff

{ May 20, 2008 @ 3:31 am } · { Blogroll, goals, life, random thoughts, size, weight loss, work }
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Do ya’ll use Google Reader?  Maybe you’ve all been using it forever and I’m just really slow on the uptake, but seriously?  If you don’t use it, definitely check it out.  I subscribed to all of my favorite blogs and it tells me when someone has published a new post, and I don’t have to go to 137 blogs 10 times a day (obsessive, no?) to see if someone has posted.  I just sit back and let Google Reader do the work for me.  I can’t tell you how much time it saves me.  And it suggests new blogs to me all the time, and sometimes I add those too, because why not?  Seriously, check it out.

Anyway, I’ll move on to the real topic of this post.  Except I don’t really have one. 

Work?  Has been super stressful lately.  The crazy (my clients) just seem to be getting crazier.  I mean, majorly.  They have been calling and calling everyday, and my patience is wearing SO thin.  People hire me and my firm to handle their problems and to give our best advice.  But still, they think they know better.  One of my clients told me “I know the law.”  Um, yeah, so do I.  I spend what is not an insignificant amount of time researching the law, reading cases, and writing briefs.  So as far as knowing the law goes, I’m pretty sure I have a leg up on my client.  But fine, don’t take my advice.  See where that gets you.

One of B’s friend’s wife, Emily, upon finding out that I am an attorney, said that she always thought that would be cool.  She likes her job in corporate America, but it isn’t like actually helping people like I do. 

The problem is though, that my job day to day is pretty fucking thankless.  There are rare moments when I am able to help someone, and they are grateful, and I feel the satisfaction of being of some use to someone.  But day to day?  It is like babysitting.  Like being a counselor or somone’s best friend.  But it can be very personally taxing.  I will listen patiently and sympathize while someone sits with me and cries about their problems.  But by and large?  I don’t have the ability to fix their problems.  At least not in any immediate way.   

I can file a lawsuit for you.  But I can’t help you pay your bills while you are out of a job and being a single mother to a little boy.  Maybe what I can get you eventually will make it all better.  But maybe I can’t get you anything or maybe it won’t solve all of your problems.  Sometimes it just feels like a heavy weight.

Speaking of heavy weight…..I’m finding that I SUCK at the weight loss.  Seriously bad at it.  Turns out I’m not good at deprivation of any kind.  I always let loose on the weekends.  Then I’ll get to Monday and tell myself that I’m going to be more serious about it.  Then IMMEDIATELY  I start whining (in my head) about how much it sucks that I can’t eat whatever is the current object of my craving.  I start feeling sorry for myself, thinking about HOW LONG it has been since I got to eat anything good.  Then I come back to reality and think, oh yeah, that was just yesterday. 

I need to step up my game.  And get over the fact that it is going to require some sacrifice. 

Any suggestions, dear readers?  Any good low cal/fat recipes?  Anything you like to do to keep in shape? 

But Corner Bakery and their 800 calorie chopped salad can fuck me. 

Good night!

Weight just a minute….

{ May 12, 2008 @ 4:25 am } · { goals, size, weight loss }
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So as I’ve said before, B and I are doing this biggest loser couples edition weight loss competition against my mom and stepdad.  We just finished up our first week.

I was getting frustrated with B because he didn’t seem to be modifiying his eating habits.  During the first week I know he had pizza at least twice, I personally saw him eating a ginormous burrito, and his friend Ben told me that he has not been behaving (food-wise) at work.  So I was kinda riding his ass like Zorro. 

Meanwhile, I was really trying to eat healthier foods.  I spent nearly twice as much as I normally do at the grocery store stocking up on fruits and a vegetable.  And other good choices.  I (following the advice of SELF) made salad dressing with cornstarch-thickened vegetable stock instead of oil (that one needs some work – it was not so tasty).  I made chocolate cupcakes using pumpkin to replace the oil and eggs (also not that great because the texture was off and there was no frosting).  Certainly I was eating perfectly (no thanks to Cold Stone), but I was trying. 

We weigh in on Thursdays, so when B and I were eating dinner on Sunday night (me eating a Thai Salad, B eating a huge cheesy burrito), I very casually asked him what his weight loss plan was going to be for the week.  He told me that he was going to give up drinking soda at work.

I sat there quietly, nodding my head encouragingly, waiting for the rest of his plan.  But no, that was his entire plan.   Um….we are not going to be winning any competition with him just giving up soda, I thought.  But I kept it to myself because I didn’t want to nag him.

But in my head I was all self-righteous.  I am trying to eat healthier, to lose weight.  Clearly I am going to have to carry this team.  Maybe if I can get off to a good start, B will get his act together. 

B and his no soda for 4 days?  Lost 5 pounds.  Me?  1.8. 

Yeah.  Guess I’ll shut up and just worry about myself. 

Oh, and perusing cooking blogs with beautiful food pictures all day every day while in self-deprivation mode?  Is torture.   But I’m just that kind of girl. 

You are making it so hard to stay away…

{ April 3, 2008 @ 12:40 am } · { gym, size, tv, what am I doing with my life? }
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So last night I ventured back to the gym.  I wish I could say that I’ve missed the gym after many months of abstaining from exercise, but that just isn’t the case.  But it was fine.  It was very quick, because I decided, in a total panic after stepping on the scale (which I have been avoiding as of late out of fear) to go to the gym only an hour before it closed (damn you, Biggest Loser for making me feel inspired!).  So I scrambled around, getting dressed and trying to remember everything I needed for my gym bag – water bottle, gym card, iPod, face towel, and took off.  Anyway, I did a quick little workout, and that was that.

Is it bad that the main reason I’m thinking about going back is that I when I got there I found that the gym had installed tvs at every machine?   Now I’m picturing myself settling in on the treadmill for three hours worth of Thursday night programming (as if, seriously).   Although I have my doubt that the other gym patrons really want to hear my weekly commentary/rant during episodes of the mysterious and utterly frustrating Lost.  And don’t even get me started on The Bachelor (seriously, ladies, keep your panties to yourself on date one).   But is it really so wrong that the only thing that could possibly get my lazy ass off of the couch and to the gym on a regular basis is my love of tv?

If it is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.  And maybe next time I’ll go back they’ll have cookies there, too.   Aahhh, a girl can dream.

I’m not her

{ February 7, 2008 @ 6:43 pm } · { dating, neuroses, random thoughts, relationships, size, unattractive, worries }
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I’ve been having a hard time coming up with material to write about lately.   I guess that is probably obvious to those of you who read my blog.  I don’t know if it is the result of the the winter blahs or just a boring life, but I apologize to those of you who are looking for interesting stuff to read. 

Lent snuck up on me this year like it always does.  Now, I am Catholic, but I’m not exactly devout.  Not even close, really, but for some reason I always observe Lent.  This year I am giving up swearing.  I have done this in the past, but for whatever reason, it never sticks very well long-term.  I have the face of a 13 year old girl, but the mouth of a sailor.  It is not very ladylike.  I blame it on my job.  This is the only place I’ve ever worked where it was appropriate (and probably even necessary) to swear.  When I first started working here, my boss came to me after about two weeks and told me that he and the others had been talking, and they thought it was odd that I never swore.  I told him that I do swear, but I’ve never worked in a place where it was acceptable.  Now, some six years later, I have a mouth that I probably shouldn’t kiss my grandmother with. 

But last night I was talking to B, and he said, instead of giving something up (he is Catholic too, and even less devout than I am, which is barely possible), maybe we should DO something affirmative instead.  Ok, I said, what do you have in mind?  He told me that he was thinking that we should commit to going to the gym at least four times a week (on our own, not together). 

Not a bad idea, right? 

Except he already goes to the gym nearly every day.  So mostly, he just wants ME to go to the gym.  He thinks I’m a fat pig (to paraphrase).  I don’t like that.  It hurt my feelings.  I know I need to get in shape and lose weight.  I’m not blind.   But I need to date someone who thinks I’m cute.   And I don’t think he does.  I can remember him telling me ONE time, in over a year that we’ve been dating, that I’m “pretty cute”.  Just the one time.    And that was roughly the third date (and thus he was trying to get lucky). 

I know this is shallow and superficial, and probably says something about how I am insecure and need someone to feed my ego, but I don’t care.  I don’t need endless gushing about how beautiful I am, but I need something.  I can’t get naked in front of someone who thinks I’m fat.   I know I need to go to the gym, I don’t need him to tell me that. 

And frankly?  Suggesting to me that I get my fat ass to the gym does not exactly inspire me to do so.  Quite the opposite, in fact.  My first inclination is to act like a 15 year old and rebel.  To say, screw you (see, I’m already doing better with the language thing), now I DEFINITELY am not going to the gym.  Ever.  And yes, I have been known to cut my nose off to spite my face. 

My friend Jaded told me that men are just like that.  They think that they are all entitled to date someone with the looks of a supermodel, regardless of what they look like themselves.  If that is the case, perhaps they should concentrate on trying to land such a woman, instead of trying to turn some average (but well-meaning) woman into a supermodel.  Jaded said that they know that can’t get those perfect-looking women so they have to go with plan B, which is apparently trying to make a girl like me look better.  And readers?  I already try to do the very best I can.  Every single day.  I try to dress nice, I’m well groomed, I always style my hair, wear make-up, wear heels.  I am bigger than I should be, yes, but I’m not schlumpy. 

*Sigh*  I’ve never thought of myself as a girl that a guy has to settle for.  Some begruding, this-is-the-best-I-can-do kind of girlfriend.  I don’t like that.  I won’t be some girl who is just good enough to make the cut, but nothing to write home about.  I’m not that girl.  I am not.   And if I have to, I’ll keep repeating that until both B and I believe it.   

          

Pain in the ass…..

{ January 10, 2008 @ 2:58 am } · { clothing, dating, random thoughts, size, unattractive, worries }
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Two posts in one day.  This is a personal record for me. 

So in addition to the very very lovely crocs that B bought me for Christmas (oh, and Jess, I saw you making fun of my crocs on Kara’s comments – come on now, don’t hate just because I have beautiful shoes :) ), he also gave me some panties from Victoria’s Secret.  And alas, I have figured out what Victoria’s Secret actually is – she caters only to very small girls.  A club to which I very regrettably do not belong. 

And, so, while it makes me a little nauseous to tell you, dear internets, my panty size, I will do so for the sake of this story.  B asked me a while back for my sizes (which I reluctantly told him), my underwear size being one of them.  I told him  a size large/7.  Yes, I know, this is not a small butt.  Yes, a large butt with an inexplicably flat shape.  The best of both worlds, no?  But anyway, it is what it is. 

So, what I’ve learned is this:  a large/7  granny-panty that one buys at, say, Kohl’s, is not the same size as a cute little (but thankfully not thong) panty that one buys at VS.  I cannot imagine B holding up one of those little panties at VS and possibly thinking it might fit my butt.  However, bless his heart, he went ahead (probably for the sake of our relationship) and bought the L/7 panties. 

So I brought them home and thought I would just go exchange them for an XL and he would never know.  Wrong.  Vickie’s doesn’t carry an XL in this particular line.  Bitches!!  And yes, I could probably just exchange them for some other panties at VS that would work, but I wanted to get the same exact ones so that he wouldn’t notice, and I wouldn’t have to explain to him how I had to go back and exchange them for some panties that came in EXTRA LARGE.  And so it is that I am stuck with the L.  Most of them will be ok, although half of my ass will probably be hanging out.  It is really only one pair that would just be completely ridiculous, so I’ll avoid those. 

Being a woman is fun, no?  Oh, and Victoria, I’ll let you in on a secret……some of us ladies are a little more…um…shapely than others.  And while you, me, and perhaps most of the free world would rather not see me in a skimpy pair of sexy panties, my boyfriend does.  Big girls need panties too.  Help a sister out.