Archive for Uncategorized

Testing My Faith

{ March 13, 2009 @ 7:12 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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So I had to go to Costco today for work.  Fine, not a problem, I love Costco. 

But folks, do you want to know what they were sampling today?  Maple BACON.

I love bacon.  Absolutely adore it, and I could eat it every day.  But fear not, reader, I don’t eat it every day.  In fact I don’t eat it often at all.  But I love everything about it – the taste, the smell, the saltiness, the grease.  Mmmmm.

Anyway, I’m Catholic.  Ish.  I’m not a good practicing Catholic for the most part, but I do observe Lent.  I’m sure in the grand scheme of things God would rather see me at church every week instead of just not eating meat on Fridays and giving up something I love (cookies, this year)  for 6 weeks, but for now, that is just the way it is.

Don’t worry, I weathered the storm.  Pushed my cart right past that evil bacon.  Nice try, Satan!

I know God appreciates the sacrifice.

:)

Vegas, Baby….

{ November 20, 2008 @ 5:53 am } · { travel }
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So next week B and I are going to Vegas.  Yay!

Well, actually, next week B and I are going to Vegas with my mom, step-dad, and sister.  So not exactly a romantic getaway, but still I’m really looking forward to it.  The whole week, no work.  Aaahhhhhhh. 

Anyway, B booked our flights months ago.  He had some miles leftover from when he used to travel frequently for work, so he booked both of our flights.  I was happy, because it meant I didn’t have to pay for it.  But last week he decided he wanted to see if he could change our flights around.  Wanted to arrive in Vegas earlier and leave earlier. 

Fine.  I don’t really care.  Except he told me that he might change our 6:00 p.m. flight out of Vegas to 6:00 a.m..  Whoa…..slow down there, dude.  I am NOT a morning person.  Not even a little.  B well knows this.  So I started whining, bitching, pissing and moaning.  At length.  But then I ended it by telling him, well, I would NEVER do that on my own, but you paid for the flight, so do whatever you need to do.

CLEARLY I didn’t mean it.

Anyway, he went ahead and booked the 6:00 a.m. flight.  Ugh.  It pissed me off, not just because I’m too lazy to get my ass out of bed to be at the airport by 4:00 a.m., but because he totally disregarded what I said.  We discussed it together, I said how much I HATED the idea, and he totally ignored me and did his own thing.  I told him I was unhappy about it (several times) and he told me “oh, you’ll be fine.” 

The next day I was still stewing about it at work, so I sent him an email.  Told him I really was mad about it because I felt that he didn’t listen to me.  If he doesn’t want my opinion, then he shouldn’t ask for it.  I have to deal with that crap all day long at work, I don’t need it in my personal life.  B is not my boss. 

So he called me after work and said he was sorry that I was upset about it.  He didn’t mean to ignore me, he just wanted us to get back early (as opposed to our other flight that was to get in at midnight) so that we would have time to go the next day to get a Christmas tree together.  We had already figured out that that was the only day we would have to do that together.  He thought it would be something fun for us to do together, and wanted us to have enough time to get it, put it up, and decorate it.

Oh.

Then he went on to say that he just wanted to concentrate on the vacation.  He has been to Vegas a number of times, but always for work, and he is really looking forward to being there with me, and showing me around, and just spending all that time together in general.

Oh.

Well, there went all my good arguments out the window.  But for sure I will be a total bitch the morning of the early flight. 

Anyway, I’m definitely looking forward to it.  I am always happy to get away and I have never been to Vegas, so it should a good time.  Any suggestions?

Yes, now I am THAT girl…

{ October 16, 2008 @ 4:15 am } · { Uncategorized }
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Folks, I have now become one of those women I used to shake my head at.  “Get a grip, ladies”, I used to say to myself. 

So last weekend B left me alone at his house while he went to work.  I snooped. 

*Hangs head in shame*

Now, I should say, I am in no way suspicious of B.  I wasn’t looking for something in particular, I wasn’t expecting to catch him in some compromising position, or anything of the sort. 

I just like to know things.  What is there about B that I don’t know?  So I looked at his computer.

Now, I didn’t hack into his email or anything about that.  I’m pretending that is somehow worse in list of snooping infractions.  Anyway, I just took a nice stroll in his “My Documents” folder. 

It was similar to visiting an amateur porn site (and how do I know this?  I just do, alright.  This is about him, not me).  So what did I learn?  Nothing new.  I already knew the boy was a perv.  Just an average perv, though.   Pictures of random naked chicks, pictures that looked like they came from e-mail forwards.    And all of them predated me reign in his life.

Luckily I didn’t uncover any weird fetishes or proclivities.  Although, I have to say, I seriously hope B isn’t expecting me to assume some of those positions.  I am not that bendy.  And considering that I can’t do the normal splits?  I sure as hell can’t do them upside down with my crotch in the air.  Sorry dude. 

The only thing that concerned me was that there were a few pictures that could have been possibly homemade.  By him, I mean.  So he and I will soon be playing a game of “have you ever?”  A girl needs some intel, people.

But ladies, why do we do this?  I have had friends who relentlessly snooped on their bfs….checking his cell phone, hacking his email, etc.  And most of the time I think it comes from a place of insecurity.  Mine was more from curiosity, but I know that doesn’t make it better.  A man deserves his privacy, especially someone like B, who like I said, does not do anything to arouse my suspicions in the least. 

And it really only made me feel a little bad, seriously.  The whole experience didn’t start with me being insecure, but it did end that way.  I’m not sexy like those women, my body doesn’t look like that, and again, I’m not that flexible.  Would he rather be with someone better looking or someone more adventurous?  I don’t know why this bothered me more than him looking at chicks in Playboy, but it did. 

Anyway, I did it to myself.  And although it did slightly upset me, also it reinforced the fact that he really has nothing to hide.  There was nothing there to cause me to not trust him.  Obviously I am not as trustworthy.

Trying to figure out my head

{ September 15, 2008 @ 9:24 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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I just talked to B last night and it killed my good weekend buzz.

I’m not even sure why, really. 

I’m sort of writing this post as a way to sort it out in my mind and figure out why it bothered me. 

He has such a busy life – always has things to do, friends to be with.  He had friends over for the football game today (as he will pretty much every Sunday as long as the season lasts, then went to a Cubs game with his mom.  He’s going to Cubs games tonight and Wednesday night.  Talking about his plans irritated me.  But there is nothing wrong with any of it.   And I know I’m a priority for him.  The time that he spends doing this other stuff doesn’t take anything away from me…..it is all during time when I wouldn’t see him anyway. So why does it bother me? 

Because my life is not as fun?  Because he doesn’t really need me in his life?

He has a great bachelor life.  He gets to go to sporting events to his little heart’s content (and he does A LOT).  If he wants to spend $1000 to take his mom and brother to a game, he has no one to answer to or ask permission.  He can go out to happy hour with the guys (and girls) from work as often as he wants (and he usually does at least a couple of times a week).  He doesn’t have anyone waiting at home, pissed off because he is gone yet again.  He can golf as much as he wants.  He can do basically anything he wants with his time and money.  His married friends envy him.

So why would he ever want to change that?  Why give that up?  Right now he has the best of both worlds.  He can do whatever he wants, and then once a week I come over, and I’m always here when he needs me (or so I like to think). 

I also talked to him about how all of my friends/friends’ parents asking about our relationship and talking about marriage……and he didn’t really say anything in response. He told me when Ben (his best friend) talks to him about that stuff, he tells him to go f*ck himself.  I’m about 98% sure he was kidding, but it made me the tiniest bit nervous that he isn’t totally serious about me.  I’ve never worried about that before.  I don’t need to get married this minute, and I’m surely not trying to push him into it, but I need to know that it is a definite possibility.   I always assume that he sees our future in the same way I do, but what if he wants to continue our current situation indefinitely?

So I guess I just need to talk to him about how he sees our future together.  But I’ve seen a lot of girls push a guy into marriage/family more quickly than they were ready for, and I definitely don’t want to do that.  If/when that time comes for us, I want to know and I want him to know that it is definitely what he wants and that it isn’t just to appease me. 

See, now I have this crap on the brain thanks to my friends and their questions!!  Damn you, peer pressure!

It’s just tears and rain

{ August 21, 2008 @ 1:02 am } · { death, family, work }
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Thanks again for the well-wishes, ladies.  You guys are the best.

We made it through the wake and funeral.  It went as well as it could, and they had a really nice turnout.  There were a lot of rough moments, as there always are in this type of situation.  But overall B and his family are holding up pretty well under the circumstances.    And I think they are relieved that all of the services are over and they can have time to themselves. 

As for me, I tried to walk to line between being there for whatever B needed and being unobtrusive.  Because no matter how important B and I are to each other, the fact is that I didn’t know his dad all that well, and I don’t know his family all that well (although better now).   So there were times I felt out of place, because of course, my level of grief is not even remotely on the same level as theirs.  In fact, most of what I feel is sympathy and caring for B and the rest of his family, as opposed to my own grief at the loss of B’s father. 

It is kind of an awkward spot to be in, because B and I are not married or engaged or anything of the sort.  Many of the family members that were there I was just meeting for the first time.  So I’m not exactly part of the family, but I wanted to be as supportive of B as I could.

During the funeral ceremony there wasn’t room in the front row for me to sit by B, so I sat in the second row, all by myself.  Of course, I cried through the entire thing, just as I feared I would, but it was ok.  It’s ok to cry at funerals, and obviously I wasn’t doing it in a loud or disruptive way.  Anyway, when the funeral was over, the funeral director announced that everyone should come pay their last respects and then exit through the side door, starting with the back row.  I started getting nervous, when it is my turn, do I stay or do I go??

Anyway, so when it was my turn, I went up to the casket, paid my respects, and then turned around and sat back down.  The only people left at that point were B’s immediate family (mom, brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew) and his Dad’s sister and brother.  At that point the two of them (B’s aunt and uncle) went up to the casket and were holding each other and sobbing.  It was breaking my heart, and B’s immediate family all started breaking down then too.  Then his aunt and uncle exited through the side door.  That’s when I thought, yeah, I don’t think I should be in here for this, so I got up and quietly exited myself.  So I felt kinda stupid, not knowing what the right thing to do was.  But I felt that B’s immediate family should have their privacy, so I think it was the right thing.  Of course, nobody in there was paying any attention to me during this time, so I’m sure I’m the only one who was worried about it.

The nice thing is that I did get to meet pretty much all of B’s extended family.  Of course, I wish it hadn’t been in that way, but I guess that’s just the way things work out in life.   They were all very nice and seemed very happy to meet me.  His aunt told me that his grandmother said that she was pleased with me, which is apparently about as good as you can do with her, so I was happy with that.  Some of the others were just very very happy B had a girlfriend.  He must have been one sad case before me. 

I was thinking about how hard it would be to work at a funeral home.  From the funeral directors down to the ushers, I just don’t think I could do that type of job.  You have to be with people during the worst moments of their lives and witness pain at its rawest.  I could not do it.  It’s nice, I guess, that you can help someone out during such a tough time, but no.  I would weep every day.  I might write the funeral home a thank you note, because it is probably a pretty thankless job, and hey, someone’s gotta do it.

Anyway, thanks again for the kind words.

In passing…

{ August 18, 2008 @ 5:56 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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Thanks for all the well wishes, girls.  I really appreciate it.

I spent the weekend with B and his family.   I came home last night to finish a brief that’s due today.  I’ll go to work for a few hours and then go back up to B’s place for the visitation and funeral. 

It is going to be a really rough 2 days for him.  I know he’s a little bit nervous about everything to come – greeting all the people, saying a final good-bye to his father. 

I’m trying to do whatever he needs me to do, but truthfully, I’m not even sure what it is he needs.  Or if what he needs is anything I can provide.  All I know is that I love him so much and watching him suffer has been breaking my heart.  He tries to be stoic, but still I can see his sadness, his worry, the tears he tries to hide when he’s thinking about it.  

And I have been a big baby since the day I was born.  My mom and sister almost laughed thinking about someone calling me in tears and needing strength.  And unfortunately, they’re right – it is almost laughable.  I went to B’s house on Friday night and started crying almost immediately, and continued even after he was asleep.  I tried to do so quietly, of course, so he didn’t always know, but still. 

My goal for the next two days is to provide whatever support I can, and not cry like a baby.  Because that wouldn’t be right.  But when I think about my big guy (and the rest of his family) being so sad, I just can’t help it.   But I’ll do a lot of deep breathing and buck up.

Just waiting for number three…..

{ July 12, 2008 @ 1:43 am } · { Uncategorized }
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Here’s what I did last night:

And here’s what I did this morning:

Yeah.  That’s all I have to say about that.

On My Nightstand

{ June 10, 2008 @ 4:40 am } · { blogger participation, books }
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So today Kara asked for blogger participation, and her request was that we all take a picture of something in our environment and post it on our own blog.  I am happy to participate, because as anyone who attempts to read me frequently knows, I have been struggling for content. 

So Kara posted a picture of the contents of her bag.  I decided that would not be an appropriate picture for me, because I could not fit the contents of my bag in one frame.  Here’s a picture of my bag:

Trust me, one does not want to look in there.  It’s like the Bermuda Triangle of bags - things go in, sometimes never to be seen again.

Anyway, so I decided to take a picture of the book stack on my nightstand.  I am an avid reader, and I’ll read pretty much anything.  My stack isn’t that big right now.  It is about time to take another trip to Borders.

 

So let’s see what you’ve got, dear readers!

Death Wish

{ May 6, 2008 @ 3:51 am } · { aging, family, friends, random thoughts }
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Today I had a conversation with my friend Jaded that really bothered me.  That is not an unusual occurrence with Jaded, but this one bothered me more so than the others. 

She says she wants to die young.  Now, she never did tell me what she considered young.  But she kept saying “retirement age”, but that is still a pretty large range.  She figures that once she is no longer “useful”, she doesn’t want to be around anymore. 

I think that is a pretty insulting way of looking at retirement-aged and older people.     Also?  I think it is a slap in the face to all the people (at any age) who died before they felt it was their time.  Case in point – my grandfather died when he was sixty-nine.  He was diagnosed with lung cancer, had surgery, and died within 6 months.  Prior to his diagnosis he played golf everyday, went out fishing on his boat frequently, loved to play games, goofed around in church, and was pretty social.  We all loved to spend time with him – he was strong, he was fit, he was fun, he was smart, he had a sense of humor.  He loved life, and he always had a twinkle in his eyes.  His life was not sad or wasted or lonely.  Even now, eight years later, I cry on the spot everytime I think about the last time I said good-bye to him.     He was not ready to go, and we certainly were not ready for him to go.

Of course, I know that things get worse for people as they get older.  And some stories are much much sadder.  Some people die alone and lonely in nursing homes.  Some go slowly with diseases like Alzheimers.  Many people live for years with a very poor quality of life.  I get that. 

But to make a blanket statement that you want to die young because you don’t want to get old and no longer be useful?   I don’t know, it just seemed kind of…..luxurious to me.

Respect?

{ March 4, 2008 @ 4:24 am } · { dating, indoor sports, is it just me?, neuroses, random thoughts, relationships, sex }
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 A while ago I wrote a post about a girl I knew in high school who writes very naughty blogs on her myspace page for everyone to see.  They aren’t even set to private.  Anyway, at the time I relayed how my friend ManWhore got all excited when I told him about it, and he sent her an email right away.  That was a couple of months ago.  I should probably link to it here, because I know all of you readers are just SO interested.  Anyway, here it is.

So today ManWhore told me that she has been chatting him up lately.  And I know from her blog that she is getting tired of her current FB, because despite his very large package, he very rarely ever does anything for her because she always gives him a BJ and then he is done (interesting to note:  her AUNT was the first commenter on that specific post).  Anyway, ManWhore asked me if it would bother me if (when) he hooks up with her. 

Of course it wouldn’t bother me.  But it did make me feel a little strange.  Once upon a time, ManWhore and I had a little thing…..

I’ve mentioned on here that I didn’t date for a really long time.  A long, LONG time.  About 8 years.  And not on purpose.  It was sad times.  But anyway, so my friend, who didn’t know ManWhore enough to know that he was, well, a whore, attempted to hook me up with him.  He lives kind of far away, so we had a lot of email/chat interactions for quite some time before we ever met.  Over chat we were a great match.  Similar personalities (in some ways), similar sense of humor, etc.  We clicked pretty well.  He didn’t tell me that he had such a past (or present), and I guess I thought he was like me.  Lonely.  Looking for something.   

Well, so he came to see me one day.  Drove quite a long way to see me on a work night.  And he had certain expectations, which definitely went unmet.  I guess he thought I was kidding when I said I wasn’t that kind of girl.  No matter how much you talk to someone over the internet/phone, it is still brand new when you meet in person, and it was fairly awkward.   So anyway, I didn’t sleep with him that night. 

It was after that that he told me, reluctantly, that he has quite the list of conquests.  Literally, a list.  A very very LONG list.  Meanwhile, I had a measly 2 people on my list (which hasn’t gotten long enough to memorialize on paper).  And eventually I did sleep with him.  Don’t judge, readers, it had been 8 YEARS.  So I had to get back in the saddle somehow.  But it never was the same for me once I realized that he wasn’t like me, lonely and looking for something more, so I knew what I was getting into.   I was just one in a line of girls/women that he charmingly chatted up with only the hopes of getting laid.  And that’s ok. 

But the point of my post is that though I was somewhat disappointed (at the time) that things didn’t pan out, I was more disappointed that he didn’t see that I wasn’t that kind of girl.  I never saw myself that way – like just any other girl.  I don’t know why.  I thought that my self esteem (as it related to dating/relationships with men) was pretty low.    I hadn’t been asked out on a date or even looked at in many, many years.  I didn’t have high expectations for relationships, but even with the lack of attention from the opposite sex, I thought of myself as too special to just treat like I was just some random girl, to just be used for sex.  I was actually surprised that he thought of me that way.  I never saw myself that way, as a girl who could be easily dismissed, that one wouldn’t want more with.

I guess even though I’ve had some very low years being lonely and feeling bad about myself, I am lucky that I do respect myself in that way.  And I don’t know if I would have realized that I actually felt that way about myself if it weren’t for the situation with ManWhore.  And quickly after I realized ManWhore wasn’t the kind of guy I was looking for, I went and started the online dating thing, because I had found some confidence.  

ManWhore and I are now great friends.  He is actually the person I am most open and honest with.  It is so easy because he has absolutely no shame.  And he is thus not judgmental.  And sometimes it is just easier to talk to people who have no link to your real life – don’t know your real friends, will never come into contact with your boyfriend.  So I spill my guts to him.

Do I care if he hooks up with the girl from my high school?  No.  I knew when I became a number (I asked him that my name be omitted) on his list that there were many women before me, and there would be many to come.  But it just reminded me of how strange it made me feel when I realized that not every guy was going to understand that I wasn’t just another random girl.  And then I felt sad that this girl from HS apparently doesn’t feel that way about herself. 

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