Archive for what am I doing with my life?

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

{ March 13, 2009 @ 3:41 am } · { Facebook, aging, unattractive, what am I doing with my life?, worries }
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So a lot of my friends on Facebook have been posting old photographs lately, from high school and even some from junior high.  I don’t mind, I like looking at them.  Those years were a really great time in my life (although I had plenty of teenage angst, of course), and I get nostalgic looking at that stuff. 

However.

One of my “friends” posted several pictures from junior high.  It is a boy I knew in grade school/junior high, but I was never really great friends with him and I don’t remember speaking with him much once we were in high school.  But he’s on Facebook, and I like to see what people are doing and I enjoy leaving nice comments on Facebook, so I accepted his friends request.  Then I started getting email after email that he had tagged me in some photos.  Obviously I knew they had to be old since I haven’t seen him in so many years, and I went to check them out.  

He had posted picture after picture of me.  First a picture of me and my little junior high boyfriend (gnarly sloppy kisser, by the way).  Then he posted a picture of he and I at a school dance (not sure how that happened because we surely never dated).  He added a few more, and I was relieved to see that some of the others included other people, not just me.  But I was in all but one of them.  I started to feel a little weird about it, because like I said, we were never that good of friends.  But obviously it is harmless.

So then another girl commented on the photograph of me and him, wondering if I was his second date for this same dance, as he had posted a picture of himself and another girl at the same dance), and he said, “oh no, [Jem] is second to no one in my opinion.”

Folks, I am a sucker for ANY kind of flattery.  It made me feel good.  More than it should have, I think.

It’s just that when I look back at all of those photos from when I was younger, I can remember the confidence I had then.  I was always self-conscious, mind you, but I don’ t know, I just had a confidence then that I don’t have now.  I was cuter.  Thinner.  I felt a lot shinier then than I do now.  Does that makes sense? 

I sent one of the pictures from when I was 18 to a friend of mine who didn’t know me back then.  It took her a while to figure out which one of those girls was me.  Yikes.  She said, but [Jem], you still look the same.  You have gained weight, yes, but you could be that girl again.

Um, no.  I will never be that girl again.  She was 18.  I am 31.  She had naturally blond hair, thighs that didn’t touch, and no student loans.   Virtually no responsibilities whatsoever.  She used to walk down the football player’s hallway (which had a nasty smell, btw) in her tennis skirt and pretend she didn’ t know they were looking at her.    She could go buy a prom dress without worry about her arm flab and ginormous boobs. 

I can’t get back the youthful naivete and blissful ignorance that she had then.  Nor can I get back the flawless skin.  I try to tell myself that the thing I have now add up to more than what she had.  Those old pictures?  That’s what I looked like when I was proud of myself, and I don’t know how to explain it except to say that I don’t look like that anymore. 

I’m concerned I’m one of those cliche girls who peaked in high school.  I need to pick myself up and make some changes.  And I don’t mean to make it sound like there is so much wrong with my life or who I am not; there’s not.  I just want to polish it up and make it shine a little, you know?

You are making it so hard to stay away…

{ April 3, 2008 @ 12:40 am } · { gym, size, tv, what am I doing with my life? }
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So last night I ventured back to the gym.  I wish I could say that I’ve missed the gym after many months of abstaining from exercise, but that just isn’t the case.  But it was fine.  It was very quick, because I decided, in a total panic after stepping on the scale (which I have been avoiding as of late out of fear) to go to the gym only an hour before it closed (damn you, Biggest Loser for making me feel inspired!).  So I scrambled around, getting dressed and trying to remember everything I needed for my gym bag – water bottle, gym card, iPod, face towel, and took off.  Anyway, I did a quick little workout, and that was that.

Is it bad that the main reason I’m thinking about going back is that I when I got there I found that the gym had installed tvs at every machine?   Now I’m picturing myself settling in on the treadmill for three hours worth of Thursday night programming (as if, seriously).   Although I have my doubt that the other gym patrons really want to hear my weekly commentary/rant during episodes of the mysterious and utterly frustrating Lost.  And don’t even get me started on The Bachelor (seriously, ladies, keep your panties to yourself on date one).   But is it really so wrong that the only thing that could possibly get my lazy ass off of the couch and to the gym on a regular basis is my love of tv?

If it is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.  And maybe next time I’ll go back they’ll have cookies there, too.   Aahhh, a girl can dream.

You found me!

{ March 7, 2008 @ 6:06 am } · { etiquette, how you found me, is it just me?, observation, random thoughts, what am I doing with my life? }
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I thought it was time to discuss (again) what brings you dear readers to me.  I like to think of myself as someone with important and socially pertinent things to say.  And I want to discuss the topics that you, my readers, are wondering about or want to discuss.  So without further ado, here’s my best stuff:

Ok, there is one thing I want to clear up right away, because this is obviously an important issue to at least five of you who were brought to me by this particular search term.  Because I value my readers, and I’m worried that my lack of knowledge on the subject will turn some of you away forever, I am somewhat reticent to admit that you will find nothing on my blog about “molly elizabeth’s boobs”.  While I do read Molly Elizabeth’s blog, I have never seen her boobs, have never discussed her boobs, and in all truth, have never even wondered about her boobs.  I am kind of wondering now though, because I’m thinking she must have a pretty nice pair, considering the number of times this particular search has come up on my list of searches.  Sorry I can’t help.  Good luck on your search.

While we are on the subject of boobs, I know that one of you found me by looking for “picture of bouquet toss boobs”.  Again, sorry.  You must have been sorely disappointed when you came upon my blog.  I don’t even participate in bouquet tosses.  I avoid ‘em like the plague.  I sure as hell never catch the bouquet with my boobs. 

I’m gonna move on from the boob talk now.  I have many dimensions, people, and I’m not ready to focus my blog on boobs, so I’m going to now take this opportunity to answer some burning questions that you readers have.  I want to help if I can, I don’t want this blog to be all fluff.  I’m all about community service, and this is what I have to contribute:

“Should I be upset if boyfriend text me?”  YES, girl.  Geez, what kind of an asshole are you dating, anyway?   Don’t take that kind of treatment!  What kind of a girl does he think you are?! 

Huh?

“WHY DOES HE CALL EVERY NIGHT?”  I suspect this is from the same girl who asked the above question.  First he texts you, and now he won’t stop calling.  I feel your pain, girl.  And honestly, I don’t have an answer.  I don’t know why your boyfriend wants to communicate with you on a regular basis.  It’s almost like he LIKES you.  Bastard!!  My suggestion is to set boundaries.  Tell him not to speak unless spoken to.  Boyfriends are to be seen and not heard.  And if he can’t play by your rules, ditch him.  No girl should have to put up with that kind of crap.

“What makes somebody your stepsister?”  This is a tricky one, but I will do my best.  This normally occurs when one of your parents marries somebody who has a daughter.  That daughter will be your stepsister.  Happy I could help there. 

“What does dating exclusively mean?”  It means that your boyfriend expects you to date only him.  You might want to clarify that the relationship is MUTUALLY exclusive, though.  Because one never knows, and it doesn’t hurt to ask.

“How do I ignore a stuck-up manwhore?”  This is a tough one for me.  My first inclination is to say that you would ignore him the same way you would ignore any other person, but I’m not sure.  But if you stick to your guns and don’t engage in any sexual activity with him?  He’ll go away.

“I made it to third date, is that good?”  Yes?  To the extent that the datee is someone that you want to date, the more dates you go on, the better.  Just a general rule of thumb.

“Panty mess?”  Wash ‘em.  Maybe twice.

The next few searches weren’t necessarily questions, but there are some I think we should talk about:

“He touched my crotch!”  Well, you go, girl!  I just like this one because of the use of the exclamation point.  But truly, if the touching was unwanted, you can email me and I will be happy to discuss the difference between good touches and bad touches.  I joke, but I started to get a little nervous that this search was by a child and that I was making light of a serious situation.  Or some girl who was touched inappropriately by her boss.  There are laws about these kind of things and I am very familiar with them.  But anyway, I hope your experience was good.

In a related matter, one of my readers “gets turned on when [her] crotch is touched”.  Well, at least you know it works.  That’s good stuff.

“Gift for boss who is leaving”  Please.  I wish.  I would buy him a fantastic gift if only he would just LEAVE.  I am not so fortunate.

“The guy I like asked me to watch a movie.”  What?!  What is this guy’s problem anyway?  Guys expect so much these days.  Just be firm – if you don’t watch a movie, then don’t.  No means no.  Was it porn?

“This guy bit me when he kissed me.”  Vampire.  That is the only explanation I can think of.  And sometimes biters only learn their lesson when you bite them back.  Do what you gotta go. 

And finally, this last one has me a little perplexed – “pooping on purpose in diapers”.  Well…..hmm.  At least it was on purpose?  Congrats on your bowel control?  I think you might be ready to make a trial run without the diapers.  Give it a go.  Report back.

Thanks, readers!!!!  Keep ‘em coming.  I like to be of service, and these type of inquiries help to guide me in future posts – it helps to know what you are looking for.  I don’t want to going on and on ad nauseum about my job, my boyfriend, my age, etc. when there are other importan issues that need to be discussed.

Long Day

{ February 29, 2008 @ 4:10 am } · { These people are killing me, aging, birthday, life, mean people, online dating, random thoughts, relationships, what am I doing with my life?, work }
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9:30 a.m.

I took a little break at work and I checked my personals inbox.  Of course I no longer do online dating, but for whatever reason (read:  laziness), I haven’t taken down my profile.  I still check my inbox every now and then, mostly for amusement purposes.  Today I got a message that reads as follows:

[I'm omitting the part that has his name and email address.  But apparently his last name is "thick"]

PS .. thick like ALAN Thicke the Actor … I know what you were thinking … and I am not a all fery, Athletic and Built.  text me for fastest reaction time

555-123-4567 … text me if you want to discuss me over dinner …

Huh?  What the hell is he talking about?  And what is “fery”?  Usually when people have bad grammar and/or spelling, I can still figure out what they are trying to say, but not this time.

Oh, and dude?  1985 called and wants its pop culture references back.  Has this guy not watched any tv in 20 years or what?  I emailed him back and said, “Dude, no thanks.   You are no Kirk Cameron.”

1:45 p.m.

I had a loud and angry argument with my boss.  He asks for my opinion, but he really only wants it if I agree with him.  He thinks I’m trying to be contrary and narrow-minded when actually I’m just telling him what the law is.  As since I’m the one reading all the cases, I should know.  I told him (as I have before) that if doesn’t want my opinion, then he shouldn’t ask for it.  The argument when on and he got mad and told me not to talk to him that way, blah blah blah. 

I ended up in tears.  Which I hate.  I can’t help it – I always go to the tears when I am frustrated.  And I know, there is no crying in the law, but you know how it is….the tears just come and can be hard to stop.

4:30

I get back to work after a trip to court.  My boss called me into his office where he was sitting with one of his clients, who for the sake of this story we will call Tom.   Tom is in our office a lot, so I know him pretty well.  I am not involved in his case(s).  My boss wanted to run a letter that he was drafting by me.  So he told me about it and asked me to look through a photo album that was sitting on his desk.  I opened it up, and it was filthy pictures Tom and and his ex-girlfriend naked and engaged in various sexual acts.  Mind you, Tom was SITTING RIGHT THERE when I opened this album.  I closed it immediately and said, “I don’t want to look at this”.    

What was my boss thinking??  Why the hell would he ask me to look at that with Tom sitting there?  I was so embarrassed.  I could maybe understand having to look at such pictures if it had a bearing on a case with which I was involved.  I am not at all involved in that case.  My boss just has no sense of boundaries.  But I was disgusted.  I almost cried again when I went back to my office, because I felt disrespected again.

6:30 p.m.

B called me when we were both on our way home from work.  Although he didn’t ask, I told him that I had a horrible day at work, and told him about it.  To which he responded with the ever popular “don’t complain if you aren’t willing to do something about it.”  Of course I know that makes sense.  But it absolutely is not what I wanted to hear.  If that is what I wanted to hear, I would have called my mother.  In fact, I told him he should call my mother and the two of them could bitch about how stupid I am, that way they can get it out of their system.  Jump right into my nightmare, B.

7:15

I got home to find a lovely letter from my health insurance company informing me that since I am so old and have entered an entirely new age range, my premuim will be increased. 

Great. 

Kick me while I’m down, Blue Cross Blue Shield.  As if I didn’t feel bad enough about the 30.   Now I am apparently a much bigger health risk.  Perfect.

8:00 p.m.

Lost.   Sigh.  WTF…..mind time travel??  I’m am very very close to my pain threshhold with this show.  Maybe I’m not evolved enough or imaginative enough or whatever, but the thing is, I watch tv for entertainment.  I like to be spoon-fed with it.  I don’t like to have to try so hard to understand something.  I literally have to read a recap of it every Friday so that I can try to make sense of what I watched.  Cut me a break here, Lost writers.  Please start writing stuff that makes sense.  And if nothing else, give me some more Kate and Sawyer.

Good night, folks.  And thank God tomorrow is Friday. 

Because I’m Competitive

{ February 22, 2008 @ 2:16 am } · { what am I doing with my life?, work }
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SF wrote about her pathetic day yesterday.  And though I am well aware how hideously boring defending a deposition can be, particularly when your client keeps talking and talking and talking, as long as there is an award to be won for the most pathetic day, I thought I may as well give it my best shot.   I think I’ve got a very very good chance.

My day started with me picking up my boss.  He is disabled and has a special van to ride in.  Since we were going to court together, I picked him up and away we went.  Court went just like we wanted it to go, so that part was fine.  But then we had to waste a few hours downtown because my boss had a noon appointment with the the entity that gives us our licenses to practice law, and as we all know, he who giveth can certainly taketh away.  I live in fear of these folks, and I didn’t even want to be in their office, much less give them my name.  What I’m trying to say is that is that there is never an occasion when visiting these folks is a good thing.  Luckily the appointment wasn’t for me, but still.

 Anyway, so we made it through that appointment and went out to find that our van had been towed.  Ugh.  And as Murphy’s law would have it, my cell phone’s battery was dead, and my boss had forgotten to bring his.  Luckily the security guards in the building were very nice and allowed us to make calls for the next 30 minutes, begging the fine folks at the city’s central auto pound to allow me to come retrieve my boss’s van, despite that my name is not on the registration, and I certainly didn’t have his title with me.  These folks are very serious about having the proper paperwork to get your car back.  Finally, we got the thumbs up, and I hopped in a cab to take me to the auto pound.  Of course, I picked the one cabbie who didn’t know how to get to the address, but eventually I got there.  Stood in line for a while and then got the van.  I picked up my boss and away we went.  And though it felt like it should have been at 9:00 p.m., it was actually only 3:00, so yay, we still have time to go back to the office and work.

Ah, just another day at the office.  I really need to get a new job.

No more whining (for today)

{ January 23, 2008 @ 1:43 am } · { dating, is it just me?, life, neuroses, random thoughts, relationships, what am I doing with my life?, worries }
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Ok, dear readers, you will be glad to know that I’ve taken a break from the whining.  I can’t promise it will last long, as I do have a tendency toward whining.  Sometimes I don’t even when I’m doing it.  My dad has a video from our family trip to DC when I was in about second grade, and I hate to watch it because even when you can’t see me on the screen, you can hear me whining.  And when I was in high school, my history teacher would always say, “would you like some cheese with that whine, J?”  Asshole.  I like to pretend I’m better now, but there is a very strong likelihood that I’m not. 

Anyway.

I called up B after I wrote the last post, blubbering like a fool about how I’m not sure I’m good enough for him.  I felt sorry for him – he had no idea what I was talking about, considering we had just talked about 30 minutes prior and I had been fine.    I told him that he is so responsible, and I am not.  He said, well, but different personalities complement each other.  He said, “I’m responsible, and you’re….”.  Irresponsible, I finished for him.  Which I’m not sure is a good complement to any personality trait.  Which of course is not what he meant, but I, like most women (right??), like to put words in my man’s mouth. 

Anyway, it is never fun to have a witness to our weaker and possibly irrational moments, but ultimately I think one needs to open up to the person they are with.  So in the interest of full disclosure, I think it is probably better for B to know I have these worries and crazy moments.  And he’s so cute.  When we hung up, he kept asking with his best soft voice if I was going to be ok, and he texted me the next day to ask if I was feeling better.  I think B has a lot to learn about women – he doesn’t understand that we have these moments and they leave as quickly as they come. 

So, onward and upward.  Well, onward anyway. 

Wallowing

{ January 21, 2008 @ 4:07 am } · { aging, dating, goals, is it just me?, life, neuroses, random thoughts, what am I doing with my life?, worries }
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I’m still in a funk. 

I had a dream on Friday night.  B and I were (inexplicably) at a street fair in Cincinnati.  We don’t live anywhere near Cincinnati.  But anyway, there were hoards of people, and somehow we got separated.  I don’t remember how, but I do remember it was his fault.  So I looked around for him for a while, and then I called him and asked him where he was, but before he could answer, my cell phone battery went dead.  So I kept walking around and around and around trying to find him – for hours.  I was crying and was really frustrated, and I couldn’t even borrow a stranger’s phone to call him because I don’t even know his number (the hazard of never actually dialing phone numbers anymore).   I woke up without having found him and I was actually crying in my sleep. 

So who cares about dreams, right?  But when I woke up, I could hear B’s voice in my head saying, in that I’m-talking-to-a-child” voice, “well, you should have charged your phone last night”.

 So when I think about getting more serious with B, I start to feel a little panicked.  What it boils down to is that I’m not sure I bring enough to the table. 

 I am not quite the responsible citizen that B is:  I don’t charge my cell phone every night, I don’t go to the mechanic as soon as my “service engine soon” light comes on, I almost always let my gas tank get to “E” before I go to fill up, I don’t go to the dentist every 6 months, I don’t have life, renter’s, or dental insurance, I don’t clean my bathroom every Thursday, and I don’t have a 401(k).  The list goes on and on. 

Furthermore, I have no money or assets to speak of.  In fact, I come with student loan debt somewhere in the six figures, and a credit score that is less than perfect. 

I guess I’m not sure why someone would want to be with me, outside of just some good times.  I mean, really be with me, share a life and responsibilities with me.  I still feel like a child in that regard, and I thought I’d be smarter by the time I got to this age. 

*Sigh*

Thirty something…

{ January 18, 2008 @ 3:21 am } · { aging, goals, is it just me?, life, neuroses, random thoughts, what am I doing with my life?, work, worries }
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So today my friend asked me how I feel about turning 30 in a month.  My mood went from cheerful to depressed in about 10 seconds flat. 

Not great, that’s how I feel.  Like I’m still perpetually behind the eight ball.   Which seemed ok, I guess, during my twenties (not that I liked it).   I look around to see what I have to show for my nearly 30 years, and what I find, folks?  It ain’t much.     

I didn’t make enough of my twenties.  I spent too much time being self-conscious and not enough time enjoying life.  Too much time playing bit parts in the lives of others and too little time making something of my own life.  Too much time in my head and not enough time out in the world – meeting new people, breathing in the fresh air and lifting my face to the sun.    And I didn’t appreciate my beautiful youthful skin the way I should have – the way I would now if I had it back.  Regrettably, I allowed those years to just pass by me.  Those years are coming to a close and I’ve only just begun to enjoy them.

 I don’t mean to be all melodramatic, like 30 is so old or that the end of my life is closing in (although one never knows).

It’s just…..not only am I not where I thought I would be when I was 30, I’m not where I realistically should be.  When one is 15 or 20, you have an idea of where you should be at 30, but I don’t know how realistic it really is.  I’ve been out of school for almost 5 years now, but I still feel like a student.  For that matter, I still live like a student.  I still live in the same small apartment, still drive the same car, I’m not married, I don’t have children – my life is still all about me.  The only thing different is that my parents no longer support me (regrettably) and now I actually have to pay my student loans instead of just taking them out (DEFINITELY regrettable).   I just haven’t come far enough.  It has been years since my friends all passed certain milestones (getting married, having children, buying homes), and I feel like I am not any closer to any of that than I ever have been. 

I am the most educated person I know (outside of my step-father), and the least wealthy.  I have all the tools I need, I just have been too lazy about getting ahead in the world.

*Sigh*

Clearly I’m just having a pity party wherein I lament all the things I do not have.  Allow me a moment please.  In my heart I know that I have more than 90% of the world’s population.  It is just easy to lose perspective because I don’t know that 90% of the population.  I guess I need to do some volunteering and spend more time doing something with/for those who are less privileged.  Although my work is pretty much entirely with people who are down on their luck in some way.  And to think those people turn to me for advice and assistance.  Ha!

Anyway.

Oh, and I was reading the local bar association newspaper, and I read through the obituaries, and then I started to notice that most of the deceased people were either in their 50s or 60s.  I’m not thinking the law profession is a good place to be if one is looking to live a long life.  Yikes.

This 30 stuff is messing with my head.

Patience is a virtue…

{ December 13, 2007 @ 3:24 am } · { These people are killing me, what am I doing with my life?, work }
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Is it really patience if you have to fake it?

My boss makes me crazy.  He takes advantage of my niceness pretty much every single day.  It has been going on for years, and right now I feel like I am at my limit with him and his family.

It is hard to explain without getting really in depth, but I will try to do an adequate job here.  I don’t really like talking about my job, because one never really knows who is reading.  That being said, it is really bothering me so I will now.

This year my boss lost his son.  It has been a horrible year for his family (following two long years of his son’s illness), and obviously they are heartbroken.  Because of the hard time they have had, I have done many many many things over the course of the last couple of years that fall far outside the realm of my job responsibilities.   They needed help, and there was a lot of simple things I could do to make it easier, so I did.  But his son is gone now since April, they don’t have to tend to him and care for him anymore, and they are trying to move forward as best they can.  But they got used to me doing a lot of things for them, and so they keep asking.  And I keep doing.  And at this point I feel that it is taking advantage. 

They are sucking all of the good energy out of me.  I am mad at them for expecting me to do so many things, and I am even more mad at myself for doing all of it.  And so I feel crabby on most days, and really, it hurts nobody but me.  They keep taking from me, and, in all honesty, have given very little in return.    I am not adequately paid for my real job, let alone for all the extra stuff I do.  They don’t really even acknowledge every thing that I have done and continue to do for them.  There are some days (like today) that it is all I can do not to cry at my desk.  But there is no crying in baseball, and there sure as hell is no crying in law. 

I have had many clients, co-workers, and friends tell me that I must have the patience of a saint to deal with my boss.  But really, I am screaming in my head.  So frustrated.   Is that true patience?  Aren’t there people out there who happily and tirelessly give  of themselves, and who don’t feel the anger and anxiety that I feel?  Sometimes I think that I’m just being selfish.  When is it ok to look out for number one?

And so it is that everyday I wear a mask of faux patience, wishing desperately for some of the real kind. 

One of these things does not belong

{ October 8, 2007 @ 7:13 pm } · { friends, life, random thoughts, relationships, what am I doing with my life? }
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So this weekend I went home.  Two of my girlfriends just had babies 3 weeks ago, and I hadn’t met them yet.  One of my friends, for whom this baby was her first, was going to be alone for the weekend while her husband went to a wedding out of town.  So I volunteered to come stay with her and help with whatever she needed.  And then one of my other girlfriends wanted to come with me, so she and her 9 month old baby came too.  And then two of my other girlfriends came over once we were in town, one bringing her brand new baby.  So it became a little party. 

 It was a nice time.  I got to do a lot of baby holding, which was fun.   When they are teeny-tiny and all they do is sleep – that’s the part I love.  But the conversation?  It quickly turned to sleep schedules, breastfeeding, sore nipples, diaper brands, baby skin creams.  On and on and on.  I had absolutely nothing to add. 

One of these things is not like the others….

This motherhood thing is a very strong connector between women.  Makes it possible to talk to virtually any woman anywhere – the commonality is so strong. 

I don’t have it.  I’m just fun Aunt J who brings cute clothes to the babies.  Makes me feel like my life is just so selfish.  And I think that is ok, because I don’t have children, but still, a greater purpose in life would probably be a good thing for me.  I know there are other ways to have purpose in life other than having children, I just haven’t found a way to connect to any of them.  Maybe I’m lazy. 

I had a good time and was glad I could help in any way, but it made me feel a bit isolated, too. 

On the other hand, I got a full night’s sleep.  My friends, not so much. 

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