I feel sort of hopeless about the moving in together thing.  Like it may never happen.

I already knew there were obstacles.  Like I discussed in my last post.  He has a condo, he has to sell it, that could take a long time, blah blah blah.  You’ve heard it all before. 

But I was at his place over the weekend, and he was showing me some houses that he was looking at online.  And I said, “Babe, do you anticipate buying a house that is currently on the market[?]“, because it seems impossible to me that it could all happen quickly enough.  We started talking about the whole thing.

Then we came to money issues.  Namely, how the hell does one come up with 20% down?  I have quite a bit of money saved, but certainly not 20%.  He has equity in his condo, so when he sells it, he’ll have that money.  It might get us close to 20%.  But not quite.  So then he started talking about how I might be eligible for first time home-buyers programs.  Ok, fine.

But I had to break it to him that I don’t intend for us to jointly purchase property without any kind of commitment in our relationship.  I’ve been reluctant to bring it up, because I don’t want to seem like I’m pushing him into something or that I’m punishing him for not having asked me to marry him yet.  I just don’t think it is a smart idea.  Because if we break up?  We’ll basically have to go through a divorce without ever having been married.  We will have to sell the house, or one of us will have to buy the other one out of the property.  A huge mess. 

So then what are our options?  He could buy the house alone.  But then he will get approved for much less of a mortgage since I won’t be on it.  So our housing choices will be much more limited.  Ugh. 

Am I shooting myself in the foot here?  I don’t want to make it more difficult, but I also don’t want to jump the gun. Buying a house is a big deal for me.  Moving in together is a big deal for me.  I don’t take it lightly. 

So anyway, he basically said, well, I don’t think we should make more of a commitment until we live together.  And I understand that, I do.  I could go either way, myself.  I don’t mind living together before getting married, but I could do it the other way too. 

But the fact that he is so adamant about us living together before getting engaged or married sort of reinforces my point, I think.  What is basically boils down to is that he isn’t sure.  And why do I want to tie myself financially to someone who isn’t sure?

I don’t love it that he is still unsure, but I do understand it.  He’s just being careful and cautious, and that is not a bad thing.  I’m not one to rush into anything either, but it really is getting to be time.  I need to know that this is going where I want it to go, and that it isn’t going to take several more years to get there. 

We haven’t talked about marriage really at all because he brought it up and I didn’ t want bring it up because I didn’t want to be THAT girl.  Always talking (whining) about getting married.  I didn’t want to push him (or anyone) into marrying me.  It’s just so cliche – you know?   But as my friend recently reminded me, “you have to be some form of THAT girl.  THAT girl?  Is married.  You are not.  Do the math.”

I also didn’t want to be THAT girl who is desperately listening to her biological clock ticking.  Because we know how it ends for that girl (Mary and Bachelor Bob, anyone?).  In three and a half hears I will be 35, and I think we all know what that means (unless you happen to be male, dear reader).  I’ve never been concerned with things happening at a certain pace or in a certain time, but now I find myself concerned about it.  I want things to happen totally organically, but maybe that isn’t realistic.  I don’t know. 

I know it will all work out, I just want it to be sooner rather than later.  And I’m getting impatient.

Hello people!

What’s new?  Is it just me, or is it easier to write blog posts when something is going wrong?  Seems I can only find material if I want to complain about something.  Hence my absence from the blog for the last couple of months.  I should be interesting enough to be able to write about my life, even in good times.  But, well folks, I’m just not. 

Let’s see, where were we?

B and I moving in together.  Will happen sometime.  But evidently no time in the foreseeable future.  You’d think it would be easier.  We are two grown adults, both wanting to live together.  But no.  I can pretty much pick up and move at any time.  I am not the problem. 

B has a condo.  It is far too tiny for me to move in there with him.  So he needs to sell his place.  But before he sells the place he needs to fix the crack in the ceiling and get a new tub/shower.  Both of which he has been talking about since I’ve known him.  I’ve been riding him about this stuff lately.  His friend (always nice to befriend a contractor) can do it for him, and don’t worry because, “it won’t take Mark long to fix this at all.”  Ok, so DO IT!!!  But first he needs to get an estimate, and then approved by the condo board and blah blah blah.  Ok, dude, but please, just do something!

Now, mind you, even once he does this stuff, we are still not in the clear.  He still has to sell the place.  Which is not looking too great since there are several units for sale in his building.  One of which has been up for 1.5 year and another that has been for sale for 2.5 years. 

Awesome.  So basically by the time he gets the stuff done, gets the place on the market, and gets it sold, all of my good child-bearing years will be gone. 

I know this all begs the question (which my mother already asked):  does he really want to move in with me?  But he does.  I’m confident about that.  It was all his idea to begin with.  And he never really worries about how long it will take to sell his condo because he had always planned to borrow money from his parents to buy a bigger place and just pay them back when his place sold.

Um, no.  Maybe that was a fine idea before I was in the picture.  But I’m not comfortable borrowing money from his mother so that we can live together, even temporarily.

So we wait. 

And I’m pretty sure that every time I tell my landlord I need another extension/lease for 3 more months or 6 more months, or whatever, he laughs behind my back.  Because any way I slice it, I am not getting out of that apartment any time soon.

NEXT UP:  The only man on earth who doesn’t want to vacation (for free) in Hawaii.  Otherwise known as my boyfriend.

Ah….the Facebooks.

So a friend of a friend on Facebook (neither of whom are a friend in real life, of course) posted pictures from her Grandpa’s funeral. 

Fine.

Started out with picture of her family getting ready for the funeral, all smiles.  Thought that was a little weird, but not clearly inappropriate.   But where are the sad people?

Anyway, about midway through (and seriously, why am I looking at this album, I don’t even know the girl!), a picture of the dead guy in his coffin.  Rest his soul. 

Really?  Really, people???  Everytime I think folks have reached the heighth of wrongness on facebook, they surprise me and take it to a whole new level.

I just don’t think that  is how Grandpa Jimmy* envisioned himself being remembered…

*names have been altered to protect the deceased

So I had to go to Costco today for work.  Fine, not a problem, I love Costco. 

But folks, do you want to know what they were sampling today?  Maple BACON.

I love bacon.  Absolutely adore it, and I could eat it every day.  But fear not, reader, I don’t eat it every day.  In fact I don’t eat it often at all.  But I love everything about it – the taste, the smell, the saltiness, the grease.  Mmmmm.

Anyway, I’m Catholic.  Ish.  I’m not a good practicing Catholic for the most part, but I do observe Lent.  I’m sure in the grand scheme of things God would rather see me at church every week instead of just not eating meat on Fridays and giving up something I love (cookies, this year)  for 6 weeks, but for now, that is just the way it is.

Don’t worry, I weathered the storm.  Pushed my cart right past that evil bacon.  Nice try, Satan!

I know God appreciates the sacrifice.

So a lot of my friends on Facebook have been posting old photographs lately, from high school and even some from junior high.  I don’t mind, I like looking at them.  Those years were a really great time in my life (although I had plenty of teenage angst, of course), and I get nostalgic looking at that stuff. 

However.

One of my “friends” posted several pictures from junior high.  It is a boy I knew in grade school/junior high, but I was never really great friends with him and I don’t remember speaking with him much once we were in high school.  But he’s on Facebook, and I like to see what people are doing and I enjoy leaving nice comments on Facebook, so I accepted his friends request.  Then I started getting email after email that he had tagged me in some photos.  Obviously I knew they had to be old since I haven’t seen him in so many years, and I went to check them out.  

He had posted picture after picture of me.  First a picture of me and my little junior high boyfriend (gnarly sloppy kisser, by the way).  Then he posted a picture of he and I at a school dance (not sure how that happened because we surely never dated).  He added a few more, and I was relieved to see that some of the others included other people, not just me.  But I was in all but one of them.  I started to feel a little weird about it, because like I said, we were never that good of friends.  But obviously it is harmless.

So then another girl commented on the photograph of me and him, wondering if I was his second date for this same dance, as he had posted a picture of himself and another girl at the same dance), and he said, “oh no, [Jem] is second to no one in my opinion.”

Folks, I am a sucker for ANY kind of flattery.  It made me feel good.  More than it should have, I think.

It’s just that when I look back at all of those photos from when I was younger, I can remember the confidence I had then.  I was always self-conscious, mind you, but I don’ t know, I just had a confidence then that I don’t have now.  I was cuter.  Thinner.  I felt a lot shinier then than I do now.  Does that makes sense? 

I sent one of the pictures from when I was 18 to a friend of mine who didn’t know me back then.  It took her a while to figure out which one of those girls was me.  Yikes.  She said, but [Jem], you still look the same.  You have gained weight, yes, but you could be that girl again.

Um, no.  I will never be that girl again.  She was 18.  I am 31.  She had naturally blond hair, thighs that didn’t touch, and no student loans.   Virtually no responsibilities whatsoever.  She used to walk down the football player’s hallway (which had a nasty smell, btw) in her tennis skirt and pretend she didn’ t know they were looking at her.    She could go buy a prom dress without worry about her arm flab and ginormous boobs. 

I can’t get back the youthful naivete and blissful ignorance that she had then.  Nor can I get back the flawless skin.  I try to tell myself that the thing I have now add up to more than what she had.  Those old pictures?  That’s what I looked like when I was proud of myself, and I don’t know how to explain it except to say that I don’t look like that anymore. 

I’m concerned I’m one of those cliche girls who peaked in high school.  I need to pick myself up and make some changes.  And I don’t mean to make it sound like there is so much wrong with my life or who I am not; there’s not.  I just want to polish it up and make it shine a little, you know?

I had such good intentions for several posts I was going to write in January, discussing my goals for the new year and whatnot.  That didn’t happen.  But suffice it to say that none of it was terribly original anyway.  I mostly have the same goals as everyone else.  Blah blah blah, you know?

Anyway, I’ve been gone for a while.  Not from my life, just from this blog.  When everything is going along normally, I don’t have much to write about, I guess.  I guess I need more angst.  Not that I want it.  I would rather have writer’s block than genuine angst, I guess.

So what have I been up to lately?  More of the same, mostly.  I saw Wicked over the weekend.  It was the last weekend in Chicago, and I hadn’t realized it was leaving until the last minute, so I got totally nailed on the ticket prices, but I did manage to get tickets so B and I had a nice night out in the city.  Wicked was great, by the way.  Go see it if you can when it tours. 

Also, I got a new car!  Yay!  I am 30 years old (for another month) and this is my first new car ever!  Actually it is the first car that I’ve ever really bought.  The last one I bought from my mom, so I don’t think that counts.  I am extremely lucky that I had gotten a rather large settlement (on one of my cases I was working on) right before my tangle with the plow truck, so I was able to buy the car.  Had I gotten in the accident about 3 weeks earlier, I would have cried a lot of tears worrying about how I was going to get a new car.  Sadly, I cleaned out the savings account I had just opened, but I had enough to buy the new car (Honda CR-V) and don’t have to worry about a car payment.   So I was happy.  Now I’m back to poor.  It was so nice to have a nice savings account for once.  It was fun while it lasted. 

Speaking of financials, I had one beast of a year last year.  I just got my W-2 today, and it was not pretty.  But this year has already started off extremely well for me and I have another big settlement coming.  So I finally feel better about my financial security (something that has always been an issue for me, especially because of my very very large student loans).  I hope those kind of worries are behind me.  But I guess those kind of worries never go away, right?

As for B and I – well, we’ve been dating for two years now.  Things are moving along.  For the last month or two I have really been starting to feel anxious about us moving in together.  Not anxious nervous, but anxious ready.  We’ve talked about it for a while, as you guys know, but I never felt like I was in a big rush.  Always there have been hurdles for both of us to get over before it could happen.  For me, I need to find a job closer to where he lives.  For him, he needs to fix a few things in his house and sell it before he could buy a new (and bigger) one.  I’ve basically decided that I would move up there, even with the job I have now.  And perhaps the commute would motivate me to finally hit the job trail harder than I have in the past (and present). 

So now I feel like I’m waiting on him and I want it to happen soon. 

And before I always figured that he would buy a new house (and that’s how he talks about it too), and then I would move in with him.  But now that I have more cases paying out and will have substantial amounts of capital to contribute, he has said a few things about us buying it together.  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  It seems like too big of a commitment given that we are not married (or at least engaged).  Even when I had roommates I never wanted to jointly buy anything, because at some point you move on, and then who takes the item that you bought together?  And obviously a house is a much bigger deal.  Of course I wouldn’t even move in with him if I thought we were going to break up, but one never knows.  What do you think?  I guess when it gets closer to becoming a reality we will have to talk about it. 

Anyway.  Anyone watch Lost last night?  I love you, Lost, but the time travel thing is super annoying.  Seriously.  Stop it.  Same goes for Izzy’s ghost on Grey’s Anatomy.  He’s gotta go.

Things that sucked about yesterday:

1.  The never ending snow in Chicago this winter

2.  The unadulterated, life-flashing-before-my-eyes terror of being hit by a plow truck (twice) before careening across 4 lanes of a busy expressway and coming to rest at the median.

3.  My totalled car

4.  My ruined plan to wait a few more months before buying a new car when I get my next bonus

5.  The crappy attitude of the police officer who apparently didn’t like my responses to his questions while I was still shaking like a leaf and unable to form clear thoughts. 

6.  The traffic ticket

7.  The inevitable increase in my automobile insurance

Things to be thankful for about yesterday:

1.  The ridiculous amounts of snow piled up on the shoulder of the road that allowed me to come to a full stop about half a foot before I crashed head on into the cement median.

2.  God, fate, karma, or whatever rule of the universe that allowed me to slide sideways across 4 lanes of busy expressway traffic without being hit again.

3.  My ability to walk away from that accident without anything more than a tiny bit of soreness.

4.  That nobody else was hurt (my civic didn’t even make a dent in the plow truck).

5.  The friendly tow truck driver who kept smiling even though he first had to shovel several feet of snow away from the front of my car before being able to hook me up and winch me out of the snowbank.  I needed that smile. 

6.  My boyfriend who came to find me and waited until the tow truck driver arrived and during my follow-up with the police officer.

7.  My boyfriend who held my hand as I cried all the way to dinner about 2 hours later because it was that scary.

8.  Even though my new car plan is foiled, I got a bonus check last week that will allow me to buy a decent and relatively new used car with cash.  So while I will not get the car of my dreams, I’m at least thankful to have the means to still work something out.

I’m just now realizing that being in a relationship means that I have to compromise, which essentially just boils down to this little fact:  I don’t always get what I want.

I never said I wasn’t selfish, folks. 

The current compromise is Christmas.  This will be nothing new to those of you who have been in adult relationships before.  Christmas is a tricky time….how to fit everybody in?  A common problem, but one I’ve never had to concern myself with before.  And actually it isn’t really going to be a problem, things actually worked out easier this year than they normally do.  I don’t have to travel, which is pretty much uprecendented for me considering my dad lives one state over and my mom live half the country away.  Miraculously, this year it worked out that everyone is coming my way. 

The only wrinkle in the plan is that there is some overlap between B’s family’s get together and mine.  Nothing we can’t handle, but I’m not going to lie, I sometimes wish I didn’t have to deal with it.  Terrible, I know. 

I just still feel awkward around his family.  And we will be going to his mom’s house, which is about 2 hours away and will be spending two nights there.  I don’t mind it, we’ve done that before, but this time his brother, sister-in-law, nephew and niece will be there too.  Also no big deal, but I feel super awkward about the morning thing.  I feel weird getting out of bed with in my pajamas, with bed head and morning breath, and hanging out with the fam.  Not to mention that I really hate getting ready at other people’s houses.  I take a long time.  And then feel like everyone is waiting on me.  I’m just the sort of person who doesn’t go anywhere without a shower, full make-up, and my hair done.  (And trust me, this sounds more impressive than it is…..if you saw me you would never realize how much time and effort I put into the whole deal).  Not that it is a big deal for people to see me in the morning without make-up or whatever, but I don’t know, it feels too intimate somehow.  Am I alone here, people? 

Anyway, I’m trying to get him to agree to come home the second night instead of staying over, and that way I’ll only be there for one morning and only his mom will be there then.  She’s already been through my morning routine.  Also my dad and family is coming here the next day so I’d rather get an early start with them than spend the morning at B’s mom’s house and still have the drive home.   I’m very happy that B and I will be together for all of the Christmas festivities with both of our families, I just wish it didn’t interfere with the time I have with my family.  I shouldn’t complain, because this year is going to be easier than most years I’m sure.

I’m trying to keep the selfishness all in my head.  Because I want to be fair.  And I don’t want to give him and/or his family short shrift, because they’ve had a rough year and it is their first Christmas without his dad. 

Oh!  And B decided that our mothers should meet.  I said, well, that’s fine, but I don’t think this will be the time because my mom will only be in town for essentially one day.  But it worked out that she will be joining us (me, my mom, stepdad, sister, and B) for Christmas Eve.  Yikes.  I’m sure it will be fine, I’m just not good at mixing groups.  I think it will be a little awkward, but as long as everyone (read:  my sister and step-dad) behaves themselves, it should be manageable. 

Anyway, enough about me and my self-centeredness.   I’m making myself sound bad.

I’m finding that buying B Christmas presents this year is much easier than last year.  I guess I just know him so much better.  I’m actually enjoying it.    And I’m interested to see if it is easier for him too.  Remember last year, folks, with the Crocs??  Shudder.  Anyway, I have been confining my shopping to late evenings, because I just don’t have the patience for the ALL the people.  And the traffic.  Ugh. 

I am already regretting one gift I bought for him.   I was shopping at Linens and Things, which is one its last couple of weeks in business.  Everything 50% off.  So I saw this stupid football snack bowl.  Shaped like a football, has a little button that when you push it, the top swings open and the football theme song comes on.  A dumb gift, ok, I know.  But it was cheap and kind of funny.  But it occurs to me now that I’m not going to find it nearly as charming should we combine households at some point.  B will want to display it or use it at dinner parties.  But all sales are final, so he’s getting it.  If we move in together I’ll just trash it with his hideously ugly coffee table.  Or banish it to the basement with all the other sports paraphernalia that he has sitting around his house now.  I’ll figure it out.

Only 5 more days until my boss takes a 3 week vacay for the holidays!  I enjoy the time apart from him almost as much as I enjoy the holidays themselves…

So yesterday B and I went and cut down a Christmas tree for his condo. 

When we got back, he couldn’t get it to stand up straight, so he decided to put a few magazines under the base to even it out. 

He went into his closet where he stashes his old Playboys.  Pulled out about 4 of them, WRAPPED THEM IN PLASTIC BAGS, and them placed them under the tree.

Sure wouldn ‘t want those magazines to get ruined.

Yeah.  Priorities.  Hope his niece and nephew don’t go snooping under the tree to see what Santa left them….

So next week B and I are going to Vegas.  Yay!

Well, actually, next week B and I are going to Vegas with my mom, step-dad, and sister.  So not exactly a romantic getaway, but still I’m really looking forward to it.  The whole week, no work.  Aaahhhhhhh. 

Anyway, B booked our flights months ago.  He had some miles leftover from when he used to travel frequently for work, so he booked both of our flights.  I was happy, because it meant I didn’t have to pay for it.  But last week he decided he wanted to see if he could change our flights around.  Wanted to arrive in Vegas earlier and leave earlier. 

Fine.  I don’t really care.  Except he told me that he might change our 6:00 p.m. flight out of Vegas to 6:00 a.m..  Whoa…..slow down there, dude.  I am NOT a morning person.  Not even a little.  B well knows this.  So I started whining, bitching, pissing and moaning.  At length.  But then I ended it by telling him, well, I would NEVER do that on my own, but you paid for the flight, so do whatever you need to do.

CLEARLY I didn’t mean it.

Anyway, he went ahead and booked the 6:00 a.m. flight.  Ugh.  It pissed me off, not just because I’m too lazy to get my ass out of bed to be at the airport by 4:00 a.m., but because he totally disregarded what I said.  We discussed it together, I said how much I HATED the idea, and he totally ignored me and did his own thing.  I told him I was unhappy about it (several times) and he told me “oh, you’ll be fine.” 

The next day I was still stewing about it at work, so I sent him an email.  Told him I really was mad about it because I felt that he didn’t listen to me.  If he doesn’t want my opinion, then he shouldn’t ask for it.  I have to deal with that crap all day long at work, I don’t need it in my personal life.  B is not my boss. 

So he called me after work and said he was sorry that I was upset about it.  He didn’t mean to ignore me, he just wanted us to get back early (as opposed to our other flight that was to get in at midnight) so that we would have time to go the next day to get a Christmas tree together.  We had already figured out that that was the only day we would have to do that together.  He thought it would be something fun for us to do together, and wanted us to have enough time to get it, put it up, and decorate it.

Oh.

Then he went on to say that he just wanted to concentrate on the vacation.  He has been to Vegas a number of times, but always for work, and he is really looking forward to being there with me, and showing me around, and just spending all that time together in general.

Oh.

Well, there went all my good arguments out the window.  But for sure I will be a total bitch the morning of the early flight. 

Anyway, I’m definitely looking forward to it.  I am always happy to get away and I have never been to Vegas, so it should a good time.  Any suggestions?